Grace Abounding to the Chief of Sinners, by John Bunyan

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Transcribed from the 1905 The kids trampolines for 5 year olds under 25 dollarsReligious Tract Society editionby David Price, email [email protected]

GRACE ABOUNDING TO THE CHIEF OF SINNERS

IN A FAITHFUL ACCOUNT OF
THE LIFE AND DEATH OF JOHN BUNYAN
OR
A BRIEF RELATION OF THE EXCEEDING
MERCY OF GOD IN CHRIST TO HIM
NAMELY

IN HISTAKING HIM OUT OF THE DUNGHILL, AND
CONVERTING HIM TO THE FAITH OF HIS BLESSEDSON JESUS
CHRIST.  HERE IS ALSO PARTICULARLYSHEWED, WHAT
SIGHT OF, AND WHAT TROUBLES HE HAD FORSIN; AND
ALSO, WHAT VARIOUS TEMPTATIONS HE HATH METWITH,
AND HOW GOD HATH CARRIED HIM THROUGHTHEM.

THOROUGHLY REVISED BY THE EIGHTHEDITION

WITH
EIGHT COLOURED ILLUSTRATIONS
BY HAROLD COPPING

London
THE RELIGIOUS TRACT SOLCIETY
4 Bouverie Street and 65 St Paul’s Churchyard
1905

p. 6Come and hear all ye thatfear
God, and I will declare what Hehath
done for my soul.—Psalm lxvi.16.

p.7PREFATORY NOTE

The text in this edition is asnearly as possible that of the eighth, which was corrected byBunyan himself a few weeks before his death.  The text of‘A Relation’ is that of the first edition of1765.  A few minor changes have been introduced for theconvenience of the reader.  The use of capital letters hasbeen considerably modified, and the orthography has been inplaces modernized.  In some few instances the Scripturereferences have been added to quotations where they did notappear in the original.  It must be remembered that Bunyanoften quoted Scripture inexactly, and it has not been deemednecessary to make all his quotations follow the text of theAuthorized Version.

The marginal summary is not part of the original, but has beenprepared for this edition in order that it may correspond withthe Society’s editions of the ‘Pilgrim’sProgress.’ [7]

p. 8Theillustrations have been prepared for this work by Mr. HaroldCopping, whose illustrations to the ‘Pilgrim’sProgress’ have justly attracted much attention.

p.9CONTENTS

p. 11APREFACE

OR, BRIEF ACCOUNT OF THE PUBLISHING THISWORK.  WRITTEN BY THE AUTHOR THEREOF, AND DEDICATED TO THOSEWHOM GOD HATH COUNTED HIM WORTHY TO BEGET TO FAITH, BY HISMINISTRY IN THE WORD

Children, Grace be with you. Amen.  I being taken from you in presence, and sotied up that I cannot perform that duty, that from God doth lieupon me to you-ward, for your farther edifying and building up infaith and holiness, etc., yet that you may see my soul hathfatherly care and desire after your spiritual and everlastingwelfare, I now once again, as before, from the top ofShenirand Hermon, so now from the lions’dens, from the mountains of the leopards(Song iv. 8),do look yet after you all, greatly longing to see your safearrival into THE desired Haven.

I thank God upon every remembrance of you; and rejoice, evenwhile I stick between the teeth of the lion in the wilderness,that the grace and mercy, and knowledge of Christ our Saviour,which God hath bestowed upon you, with abundance of faith andlove; your hungerings and thirstings after farther acquaintancewith the Father, in the Son; your tenderness of heart, yourtrembling at sin, your sober and holy deportment also, beforeboth God and men, is a great refreshment to me; For ye are ourglory and joy.  1 Thess. ii. 20.

I have sent you here enclosed, a drop of that honey that Ihave taken out of the carcase of a lion.  Judg. xiv.5–8.  I have eaten thereof myself, and am muchrefreshed thereby.  (Temptations, when we meet them atfirst, are as the lion that roared upon Samson; but if weovercome them, the next time we see them, we shall find a nest ofhoney within them.)  The Philistinesunderstand menot.  It is something of a relation of the work of God uponmy soul, even from the very first, till now, wherein you mayperceive my castings down, and risings up: for He woundeth, andHis hands make whole.  It is written in the Scripture, Isa.xxxviii. 19, The father to the children shall make known Thytruth.  Yea, it was for this reason I lay so long atSinai, Lev. iv. 10, 11, to see the fire, and the cloud, and thedarkness, that I might fear the Lord all the days of my lifeupon earth, and tell of His wondrous works to mychildren.  Psalm lxxviii. 3–5.

Moses, Numb. xxxiii. 1, 2, writ of the journeys of thechildren of Israel, from Egyptto the land ofCanaan; and commanded also that they did remember theirforty years’ travel in the wilderness.  Thou shaltremember all the way which the Lord thy God led thee these fortyyears in the wilderness, to humble thee, and toprove thee, and to know what was in thine heart,whether thou wouldst keep His commandments, orno.  Deut. viii. 2.  Wherefore this I haveendeavoured to do; and not only so, but to publish it also; that,if God will, others may be put in remembrance of what He hathdone for their souls, by reading His work upon me.

It is profitable for Christians to be often calling to mindthe very beginnings of grace with their souls.  It is anight to be much observed unto the Lord, for bringing themout from the land of Egypt.  This is that night ofthe Lord to be observed of all the children of Israel in theirgenerations.  Exod. xii. 42.  O my God(saith David), Ps. xlii. 6, my soul is cast down withinme; therefore will I remember thee from the land ofJordan, and of the Hermonites, from the hillMizar.  He remembered also the lion and the bear, whenhe went to fight with the giant of Gath.  1 Sam.xvii. 36, 37.

It was Paul’saccustomed manner, Acts xxii., andthat, when tried for his life, Acts xxiv., even to open beforehis judges the manner of his conversion: he would think of thatday, and that hour, in which he first did meet with grace; for hefound it supported him.  When God had brought the childrenof Israel out of the Red Sea, far into the wilderness, yet theymust turn quite about thither again, to remember the drowning oftheir enemies there, Numb. xiv. 25, for though they sang hispraise before, yet they soon forgat his works.  Psalm cvi.11, 12.

In this discourse of mine, you may see much; much I say, ofthe grace of God towards me: I thank God, I can count it much;for it was above my sins and Satan’s temptations too. I can remember my fears and doubts, and sad months, with comfort;they are as the head of Goliahin my hand: there wasnothing to Davidlike Goliah’ssword, eventhat sword that should have been sheathed in his bowels; for thevery sight and remembrance of that did preach forth God’sdeliverance to him.  Oh! the remembrance of my great sins,of my great temptations, and of my great fear of perishing forever!  They bring afresh into my mind, the remembrance of mygreat help, my great supports from heaven, and the great gracethat God extended to such a wretch as I.

My dear children, call to mind the former days, and years ofancient times: remember also your songs in the night, and communewith your own Hearts, Ps. lxxiii. 5–12.  Yea, lookdiligently, and leave no corner therein unsearched for thattreasure hid, even the treasure of your first and secondexperience of the grace of God towards you.  Remember, Isay, the word that first laid hold upon you: remember yourterrors of conscience, and fear of death and hell: remember alsoyour tears and prayers to God; yea, how you sighed under everyhedge for mercy.  Have you never a hill Mizartoremember?  Have you forgot the close, the milk-house, thestable, the barn, and the like, where God did visit yoursouls?  Remember also the word, the word, I say, upon whichthe Lord hath caused you to hope: if you have sinned againstlight, if you are tempted to blaspheme, if you are drowned indespair, if you think God fights against you, or if heaven is hidfrom your eyes; remember it was thus with your father; but outof them all the Lord delivered me.

I could have enlarged much in this my discourse, of mytemptations and troubles for sin; as also of the mercifulkindness and working of God with my soul: I could also havestepped into a style much higher than this, in which I have herediscoursed, and could have adorned all things more than here Ihave seemed to do, but I dare not: God did not play in temptingof me; neither did I play, when I sunk as into the bottomlesspit, when the pangs of hell caught hold upon me; whereforeI may not play in relating of them, but be plain and simple, andlay down the thing as it was; he that liketh it, let him receiveit, and he that doth not, let him produce a better. Farewell.

My dear Children,

The milk and honey are beyond this wilderness. God be merciful to you, and grant that you be notslothful to go in to possess the land.

JOHN BUNYAN.

p. 17GRACEABOUNDING TO THE CHIEF OF SINNERS
OR,
A BRIEF RELATION OF THE EXCEEDING MERCY OF GOD IN CHRIST, TO HISPOOR SERVANT, JOHN BUNYAN

In this my relation of the mercifulworking of God upon my soul, it will not be amiss, if in thefirst place, I do in a few words give you a hint of my pedigree,and manner of bringing up; that thereby the goodness and bountyof God towards me, may be the more advanced and magnified beforethe sons of men.

2.  For my descent then, it was, as is well known bymany, of a low and inconsiderable generation; my father’shouse being of that rank that is meanest, and most despised ofall the families in the land.  Wherefore, I have not here,as others, to boast of noble blood, or of any high-born state,according to the flesh; though, all things considered, I magnifythe heavenly Majesty, for that by this door He brought me intothe world, to partake of the grace and life that is in Christ bythe gospel.

3.  But yet, notwithstanding the meanness andinconsiderableness of my parents, it pleased God to put it intotheir hearts, to put me to school, to learn both to read andwrite; the which I also attained, according to the rate of otherpoor men’s children: though, to my shame, I confess, I didsoon lose that I had learned, even almost utterly, and that longbefore the Lord did work His gracious work of conversion upon mysoul.

4.  As for my own natural life, for the time that I waswithout God in the world, it was, indeed, according to thecourse of this world and the spirit that now worketh in thechildren of disobedience.  Eph. ii. 2, 3.  It wasmy delight to be ‘taken captive by the devil at hiswill,’ 2 Tim. ii. 26; being filled with allunrighteousness; the which did also so strongly work, and putforth itself, both in my heart and life, and that from a child,that I had but few equals (especially considering my years, whichwere tender, being but few) both for cursing, swearing, lying,and blaspheming the holy name of God.

5.  Yea, so settled and rooted was I in these things,that they became as a second nature to me; the which, as I havealso with soberness considered since, did so offend the Lord,that even in my childhood he did scare and affrighten me withfearful dreams, and did terrify me with fearful visions. For often, after I have spent this and the other day in sin, Ihave in my bed been greatly afflicted, while asleep, with theapprehensions of devils and wicked spirits, who still, as I thenthought, laboured to draw me away with them, of which I couldnever be rid.

6.  Also I should, at these years, be greatly afflictedand troubled with the thoughts of the fearful torments ofhell-fire; still fearing, that it would be my lot to be found atlast among those devils and hellish fiends, who are there bounddown with the chains and bonds of darkness, unto the judgment ofthe great day.

7.  These things, I say, when I was but a child, but nineor ten years old, did so distress my soul, that then in the midstof my many sports and childish vanities, amidst my vaincompanions, I was often much cast down, and afflicted in my mindtherewith, yet could I not let go my sins: yea, I was also thenso overcome with despair of life and heaven, that I should oftenwish, either that there had been no hell, or that I had been adevil; supposing they were only tormentors; that if it must needsbe, that I went thither, I might be rather a tormentor, than betormented myself.

8. A while after those terrible dreams did leave me, whichalso I soon forgot; for my pleasures did quickly cut off theremembrance of them, as if they had never been: wherefore withmore greediness, according to the strength of nature, I did stilllet loose the reins of my lust, and delighted in alltransgressions against the law of God: so that until I came tothe state of marriage, I was the very ringleader of all the youththat kept me company, in all manner of vice and ungodliness.

9.  Yea, such prevalency had the lusts and fruits of theflesh in this poor soul of mine, that had not a miracle ofprecious grace prevented, I had not only perished by the strokeof eternal justice, but had also laid myself open, even to thestroke of those laws which bring some to disgrace and open shamebefore the face of the world.

10.  In these days the thoughts of religion were verygrievous to me; I could neither endure it myself, nor that anyother should; so that when I have seen some read in those booksthat concerned Christian piety, it would be as it were a prisonto me.  Then I said unto God, Depart from me,for I desire not the knowledge of Thy ways.  Job xxi.14, 15.  I was now void of all good consideration, heavenand hell were both out of sight and mind; and as for saving anddamning, they were least in my thoughts.  O Lord,Thou knowest my life, and my ways were not hid fromThee!

11.  But this I well remember, that though I could myselfsin with the greatest delight and ease, and also take pleasure inthe vileness of my companions; yet, even then, if I had at anytime seen wicked things, by those who professed goodness, itwould make my spirit tremble.  As once above all the rest,when I was in the height of vanity, yet hearing one to swear,that was reckoned for a religious man, it had so great a strokeupon my spirit, that it made my heart ache.

12.  But God did not utterly leave me, but followed mestill, not now with convictions, but judgments; yet such as weremixed with mercy.  For once I fell into a creek of the sea,and hardly escaped drowning.  Another time I fell out of aboat into Bedfordriver, but, mercy yet preserved mealive: besides, another time, being in a field, with one of mycompanions, it chanced that an adder passed over the highway, soI having a stick in my hand, struck her over the back; and havingstunned her, I forced open her mouth with my stick, and pluckedher sting out with my fingers; by which act had not God beenmerciful unto me, I might by my desperateness, have broughtmyself to my end.

13.  This also I have taken notice of, with thanksgiving:When I was a soldier, I with others, were drawn out to go to sucha place to besiege it; but when I was just ready to go, one ofthe company desired to go in my room: to which, when I hadconsented, he took my place; and coming to the siege, as he stoodsentinel, he was shot in the head with a musket-bullet anddied.

14.  Here, as I said, were judgments and mercy, butneither of them did awaken my soul to righteousness; wherefore Isinned still, and grew more and more rebellious against God, andcareless of my own salvation.

15.  Presently after this, I changed my condition into amarried state, and my mercy was, to light upon a wife whosefather was counted godly: This woman and I, though we cametogether as poor as poor might be (not having so much householdstuff as a dish or a spoon betwixt us both), yet this she had forher part: The Plain Man’s Pathway to HeavenandThe Practice of Piety; which her father had left her whenhe died.  In these two books I would sometimes read withher, wherein I also found some things that were somewhat pleasingto me (but all this while I met with no conviction).  Shealso would be often telling of me what a godly man her fatherwas, and how he would reprove and correct vice, both in hishouse, and among his neighbours; what a strict and holy life helived in his days, both in word and deed.

16.  Wherefore these books, with this relation, thoughthey did not reach my heart, to awaken it about my sad and sinfulstate, yet they did beget within me some desires to religion: sothat because I knew no better, I fell in very eagerly with thereligion of the times; to wit, to go to church twice a day, andthat too with the foremost; and there should very devoutly, bothsay and sing, as others did, yet retaining my wicked life; butwithal, I was so over-run with the spirit of superstition, that Iadored, and that with great devotion, even all things (both thehigh-place, priest, clerk, vestment, service, and what else)belonging to the church; counting all things holy that weretherein contained, and especially, the priest and clerk mosthappy, and without doubt, greatly blessed, because they were theservants, as I then thought, of God, and were principal in theholy temple, to do His work therein.

17.  This conceit grew so strong in a little time upon myspirit, that had I but seen a priest (though never so sordid anddebauched in his life), I should find my spirit fall under him,reverence him, and knit unto him; yea, I thought, for the love Idid bear unto them (supposing them the ministers of God), I couldhave laid down at their feet, and have been trampled upon bythem; their name, their garb, and work did so intoxicate andbewitch me.

18.  After I had been thus for some considerable time,another thought came in my mind; and that was, whether we were ofthe Israelitesor no?  For finding in the scripturethat they were once the peculiar people of God, thought I, if Iwere one of this race, my soul must needs be happy.  Nowagain, I found within me a great longing to be resolved aboutthis question, but could not tell how I should: at last I askedmy father of it; who told me, No, we werenot.  Wherefore then I fell in my spirit, as to thehopes of that, and so remained.

19.  But all this while, I was not sensible of the dangerand evil of sin; I was kept from considering that sin would damnme, what religion soever I followed, unless I was found inChrist: nay, I never thought of Him, or whether there was such aOne, or no.  Thus man, while blind, dothwander, but wearieth himself with vanity, for heknoweth not the way to the city of God.  Eccles. x.15.

20.  But one day (amongst all the sermons our parsonmade) his subject was, to treat of the Sabbath day, and of theevil of breaking that, either with labour, sports orotherwise.  (Now, I was, notwithstanding my religion, onethat took much delight in all manner of vice, and especially thatwas the day that I did solace myself therewith): wherefore I fellin my conscience under his sermon, thinking and believing that hemade that sermon on purpose to show me my evil doing.  Andat that time I felt what guilt was, though never before, that Ican remember; but then I was, for the present, greatly loadentherewith, and so went home when the sermon was ended, with agreat burthen upon my spirit.

21.  This, for that instant did benumb the sinews of mybest delights, and did imbitter my former pleasures to me; buthold, it lasted not, for before I had well dined, the troublebegan to go off my mind, and my heart returned to its old course:but oh! how glad was I, that this trouble was gone from me, andthat the fire was put out, that I might sin again withoutcontrol!  Wherefore, when I had satisfied nature with myfood, I shook the sermon out of my mind, and to my old custom ofsports and gaming, I returned with great delight.

22.  But the same day, as I was in the midst of a game ofCat, and having struck it one blow from the hole, just as I wasabout to strike it the second time, a voice did suddenly dartfrom heaven into my soul, which said, Wilt thou leave thy sinsand go to heaven, or have thy sins and go tohell?  At this I was put to an exceeding maze; whereforeleaving my cat upon the ground, I looked up to heaven, and was,as if I had, with the eyes of my understanding, seen the LordJesus looking down upon me, as being very hotly displeased withme, and as if He did severely threaten me with some grievouspunishment for these and other ungodly practices.

23.  I had no sooner thus conceived in my mind, but,suddenly, this conclusion was fastened on my spirit (for theformer hint did set my sins again before my face), That I hadbeen a great and grievous sinner, and that it was now toolate for me to look after heaven; for Christ would notforgive me, nor pardon my transgressions.  Then Ifell to musing on this also; and while I was thinking of it, andfearing lest it should be so; I felt my heart sink in despair,concluding it was too late; and therefore I resolved in my mind Iwould go on in sin: for, thought I, if the case be thus, my stateis surely miserable; miserable if I leave my sins, and butmiserable if I follow them; I can but be damned, and if I must beso, I had as good be damned for many sins, as be damned forfew.

24.  Thus I stood in the midst of my play, before allthat then were present: but yet I told them nothing: but I say;having made this conclusion, I returned desperately to my sportagain; and I well remember, that presently this kind of despairdid so possess my soul, that I was persuaded I could never attainto other comfort than what I should get in sin; for heaven wasgone already, so that on that I must not think; wherefore I foundwithin me great desire to take my fill of sin, still studyingwhat sin was yet to be committed, that I might taste thesweetness of it; and I made as much haste as I could to fill mybelly with its delicates, lest I should die before I had mydesire; for that I feared greatly.  In these things, Iprotest before God, I lye not, neither do I feign this form ofspeech; these were really, strongly, and with all my heart, mydesires: The good Lord, Whose mercy isunsearchable, forgive me my transgressions!

25.  And I am very confident, that this temptation of thedevil is more usual among poor creatures, than many are aware of,even to over-run the spirits with a scurvy and seared frame ofheart, and benumbing of conscience, which frame he stilly andslily supplieth with such despair, that, though not much guiltattendeth souls, yet they continually have a secret conclusionwithin them, that there is no hope for them; for they haveloved sins, therefore after them they will go. Jer. ii. 25, and xviii. 12.

26.  Now therefore I went on in sin with great greedinessof mind, still grudging that I could not be so satisfied with it,as I would.  This did continue with me about a month, ormore; but one day, as I was standing at a neighbour’s shopwindow, and there cursing and swearing, and playing the madman,after my wonted manner, there sate within, the woman of thehouse, and heard me; who, though she also was a very loose andungodly wretch, yet protested that I swore and cursed at thatmost fearful rate, that she was made to tremble to hear me; andtold me further, that I was the ungodliest fellow forswearing, that she ever heard in all her life; andthat I, by thus doing, was able to spoil all theyouth in the whole town, if they come but in mycompany.

27.  At this reproof I was silenced, and put to secretshame; and that too, as I thought, before the God of heaven;wherefore, while I stood there, and hanging down my head, Iwished with all my heart that I might be a little child again,that my father might learn me to speak without this wicked way ofswearing; for, thought I, I am so accustomed to it, that it is invain for me to think of a reformation; for I thought it couldnever be.

28.  But how it came to pass, I know not; I did from thistime forward, so leave my swearing, that it was a great wonder tomyself to observe it; and whereas before I knew not how to speakunless I put an oath before, and another behind, to make my wordshave authority; now I could, without it, speak better, and withmore pleasantness than ever I could before.  All this whileI knew not Jesus Christ, neither did I leave my sports andplays.

29.  But quickly after this, I fell into company with onepoor man that made profession of religion; who, as I thenthought, did talk pleasantly of the scriptures, and of thematters of religion; wherefore falling into some love and likingto what he said, I betook me to my Bible, and began to take greatpleasure in reading, but especially with the historical partthereof; for as for Paul’s Epistles, and such likescriptures, I could not away with them, being as yet ignorant,either of the corruptions of my nature, or of the want and worthof Jesus Christ to save me.

30.  Wherefore I fell to some outward reformation both inmy words and life, and did set the commandments before me for myway to heaven; which commandments I also did strive to keep, and,as I thought, did keep them pretty well sometimes, and then Ishould have comfort; yet now and then should break one, and soafflict my conscience; but then I should repent, and say, I wassorry for it, and promise God to do better next time, and thereget help again; for then I thought I pleased God as well as anyman in England.

31.  Thus I continued about a year; all which time ourneighbours did take me to be a very godly man, a new andreligious man, and did marvel much to see such a great and famousalteration in my life and manners; and indeed so it was, thoughyet I knew not Christ, nor grace, nor faith, nor hope; for, as Ihave well seen since, had I then died, my state had been mostfearful.

32.  But, I say, my neighbours were amazed at this mygreat conversion, from prodigious profaneness, to something likea moral life; and truly, so they well might; for this myconversion was as great, as for Tom of Bethlehem to become asober man.  Now therefore they began to praise, to commend,and to speak well of me, both to my face, and behind myback.  Now I was, as they said, become godly; now I wasbecome a right honest man.  But oh! when I understood thesewere their words and opinions of me, it pleased me mightywell.  For, though as yet I was nothing but a poor paintedhypocrite, yet, I loved to be talked of as one that was trulygodly.  I was proud of my godliness, and indeed, I did all Idid, either to be seen of, or to be well spoken of, by men: andthus I continued for about a twelvemonth, or more.

33.  Now you must know, that, before this, I had takenmuch delight in ringing, but my consciencebeginning to betender, I thought such practicewas but vain, andtherefore forced myself to leave it; yet my mind hankered;wherefore I would go to the steeple-house, and look on, though Idurst not ring: but I thought this did not become religionneither; yet I forced myself, and would look on still, butquickly after, I began to think, how if one of the bellsshould fall?  Then I chose to stand under a main beam,that lay overthwart the steeple, from side to side, thinking hereI might stand sure; but then I should think again, should thebell fall with a swing, it might first hit the wall, and then,rebounding upon me, might kill me for all this beam; this made mestand in the steeple-door; and now, thought I, I am safe enough;for if the bell should now fall, I can slip out behind thesethick walls, and so be preserved notwithstanding.

34.  So after this I would yet go to see them ring, butwould not go any farther than the steeple-door; but then it cameinto my head, how if the steeple itself should fall?  Andthis thought (it may for aught I know) when I stood and lookedon, did continually so shake my mind, that I durst not stand atthe steeple-door any longer, but was forced to flee, for fear thesteeple should fall upon my head.

35.  Another thing was, my dancing; I was a full yearbefore I could quite leave that; but all this while, when Ithought I kept this or that commandment, or did, by word or deed,anything that I thought was good, I had great peace in myconscience, and should think with myself, God cannot choose butbe now pleased with me; yea, to relate it in mine own way, Ithought no man in Englandcould please God better thanI.

36.  But poor wretch as I was!  I was all this whileignorant of Jesus Christ; and going about to establish my ownrighteousness; and had perished therein, had not God in mercyshowed me more of my state by nature.

37.  But upon a day, the good providence of God called meto Bedford, to work on my calling; and in one of thestreets of that town, I came where there were three or four poorwomen sitting at a door, in the sun, talking about the things ofGod; and being now willing to hear them discourse, I drew near tohear what they said, for I was now a brisk talker also myself, inthe matters of religion; but I may say, I heard but understoodnot; for they were far above, out of my reach.  Theirtalk was about a new birth, the work of God on their hearts, alsohow they were convinced of their miserable state by nature; theytalked how God had visited their souls with His love in the LordJesus, and with what words and promises they had been refreshed,comforted, and supported, against the temptations of the devil:moreover, they reasoned of the suggestions and temptations ofSatan in particular; and told to each other, by which they hadbeen afflicted and how they were borne up under hisassaults.  They also discoursed of their own wretchedness ofheart, and of their unbelief; and did contemn, slight and abhortheir own righteousness, as filthy, and insufficient to do themany good.

38.  And, methought, they spake as if joy did make themspeak; they spake with such pleasantness of scripture language,and with such appearance of grace in all they said, that theywere to me, as if they had found a new world; as if they werepeople that dwelt alone, and were not to be reckonedamong their neighbours.  Numb. xxiii. 9.

39.  At this I felt my own heart began to shake, andmistrust my condition to be naught; for I saw that in all mythoughts about religion and salvation, the new-birth did neverenter into my mind; neither knew I the comfort of the word andpromise, nor the deceitfulness and treachery of my own wickedheart.  As for secret thoughts, I took no notice of them;neither did I understand what Satan’s temptations were, norhow they were to be withstood, and resisted, etc.

40.  Thus, therefore, when I had heard and consideredwhat they said, I left them, and went about my employment again,but their talk and discourse went with me; also my heart wouldtarry with them, for I was greatly affected with their words,both because by them I was convinced that I wanted the truetokens of a truly godly man, and also because by them I wasconvinced of the happy and blessed condition of him that was sucha one.

41.  Therefore I should often make it my business to begoing again and again into the company of these poor people; forI could not stay away; and the more I went amongst them, the moreI did question my condition; and as I still do remember,presently I found two things within me, at which I did sometimesmarvel (especially considering what a blind, ignorant, sordid andungodly wretch but just before I was).  The one was a verygreat softness and tenderness of heart, which caused me to fallunder the conviction of what by scripture they asserted, and theother was a great bending in my mind, to a continual meditatingon it, and on all other good things, which at any time I heard orread of.

42.  By these things my mind was now so turned, that itlay like an horse-leech at the vein, still crying out,Give, Give, Prov. xxx. 15; yea, it was so fixed oneternity, and on the things about the kingdom of heaven (that is,so far as I knew, though as yet, God knows, I knew but little),that neither pleasures, nor profits, nor persuasions, northreats, could loose it, or make it let go its hold; and though Imay speak it with shame, yet it is in very deed, a certain truth,it would then have been as difficult for me to have taken my mindfrom heaven to earth, as I have found it often since, to getagain from earth to heaven.

43.  One thing I may not omit: There was a young man inour town, to whom my heart before was knit, more than to anyother, but he being a most wicked creature for cursing, andswearing, and whoreing, I now shook him off, and forsook hiscompany; but about a quarter of a year after I had left him, Imet him in a certain lane, and asked him how he did: he, afterhis old swearing and mad way, answered, he was well.  But,Harry, said I, why do you curse and swear thus? What will become of you, if you die in thiscondition?  He answered me in a great chafe, Whatwould the devil do for company, if it were not for such asI am?

44.  About this time I met with some Ranters’books, that were put forth by some of our countrymen, which bookswere also highly in esteem by several old professors; some ofthese I read, but was not able to make any judgment about them;wherefore as I read in them, and thought upon them (seeing myselfunable to judge), I would betake myself to hearty prayer in thismanner.  O Lord, I am a fool, and not ableto know the truth from error: Lord, leave me not tomy own blindness, either to approve of or condemn thisdoctrine; if it be of God, let me not despiseit; if it be of the devil, let me not embraceit.  Lord, I lay my soul in this matter onlyat Thy foot, let me not be deceived, I humblybeseech Thee.  I had one religious intimate companionall this while, and that was the poor man I spoke of before; butabout this time, he also turned a most devilish Ranter, and gavehimself up to all manner of filthiness, especially uncleanness:he would also deny that there was a God, angel, or spirit; andwould laugh at all exhortations to sobriety; when I laboured torebuke his wickedness he would laugh the more, and pretend thathe had gone through all religions, and could never light on theright till now.  He told me also, that in a little time Ishould see all professors turn to the ways of the Ranters. Wherefore, abominating those cursed principles, I left hiscompany forthwith, and became to him as great a stranger, as Ihad been before a familiar.

45.  Neither was this man only a temptation to me, but mycalling lying in the country, I happened to light into severalpeople’s company, who though strict in religion formerly,yet were also swept away by these Ranters.  These would alsotalk with me of their ways, and condemn me as legal and dark;pretending that they only had attained to perfection, that coulddo what they would and not sin.  Oh! these temptations weresuitable to my flesh, I being but a young man and my nature inits prime; but God, who had, as I hoped, designed me for betterthings, kept me in the fear of His name, and did not suffer me toaccept such cursed principles.  And blessed be God, Who putit into my heart to cry to Him to be kept and directed, stilldistrusting my own wisdom; for I have since seen even the effectsof that prayer, in His preserving me, not only from Rantingerrors, but from those also that have sprung up since.  TheBible was precious to me in those days.

46.  And now methought, I began to look into the Biblewith new eyes, and read as I never did before, and especially theepistles of the apostle St Paul were sweet and pleasant to me;and indeed I was then never out of the Bible, either by readingor meditation; still crying out to God, that I might know thetruth, and way to heaven and glory.

47.  And as I went on and read, I lighted upon thatpassage, To one is given, by the Spirit, theword of wisdom; to another the word knowledge by the sameSpirit; and to another faith, etc.  1 Cor.xii.  And though, as I have since seen, that by thisscripture the Holy Ghost intends, in special, thingsextraordinary, yet on me it did then fasten with conviction, thatI did want things ordinary, even that understanding and wisdomthat other Christians had.  On this word I mused, and couldnot tell what to do, especially this word ‘Faith’ putme to it, for I could not help it, but sometimes must question,whether I had any faith, or no; but I was loath to conclude, Ihad no faith; for if I do so, thought I, then I shall countmyself a very cast-away indeed.

48.  No, said I, with myself, though I am convinced thatI am an ignorant sot, and that I want those blessed gifts ofknowledge and understanding that other people have; yet at aventure I will conclude, I am not altogether faithless, though Iknow not what faith is; for it was shewn me, and that too (as Ihave seen since) by Satan, that those who conclude themselves ina faithless state, have neither rest nor quiet in their souls;and I was loath to fall quite into despair.

49.  Wherefore by this suggestion I was, for a while,made afraid to see my want of faith; but God would not suffer methus to undo and destroy my soul, but did continually, againstthis my sad and blind conclusion, create still within me suchsuppositions, insomuch that I could not rest content, until I didnow come to some certain knowledge, whether I had faith or no,this always running in my mind, But how if you want faithindeed?  But how can you tell you havefaith?  And besides, I saw for certain, if I had not, Iwas sure to perish for ever.

50.  So that though I endeavoured at the first to lookover the business of Faith, yet in a little time, I betterconsidering the matter, was willing to put myself upon the trialwhether I had faith or no.  But alas, poor wretch! soignorant and brutish was I, that I knew not to this day no morehow to do it, than I know how to begin and accomplish that rareand curious piece of art, which I never yet saw orconsidered.

51.  Wherefore while I was thus considering, and beingput to my plunge about it (for you must know, that as yet I hadin this matter broken my mind to no man, only did hear andconsider), the tempter came in with this delusion, That therewas no way for me to know I had faith, but by trying towork some miracle; urging those scriptures that seem to lookthat way, for the enforcing and strengthening histemptation.  Nay, one day, as I was between Elstowand Bedford, the temptation was hot upon me, to try if Ihad faith, by doing some miracle; which miracle at this time wasthis, I must say to the puddlesthat were in thehorsepads, Be dry; and to the dry places, Be youpuddles: and truly one time I was going to say so indeed; butjust as I was about to speak, this thought came into my mind;But go under yonder hedge and pray first, that Godwould make you able.  But when I had concluded to pray,this came hot upon me; That if I prayed, and came again and triedto do it, and yet did nothing notwithstanding, then to be sure Ihad no faith, but was a cast-away, and lost; nay, thought I, ifit be so, I will not try yet, but will stay a little longer.

52.  So I continued at a great loss; for I thought, ifthey only had faith, which could do so wonderful things, then Iconcluded, that for the present I neither had it, nor yet for thetime to come, were ever like to have it.  Thus I was tossedbetwixt the devil and my own ignorance, and so perplexed,especially at some times, that I could not tell what to do.

53.  About this time, the state and happiness of thesepoor people at Bedford was thus, in a kind of a vision,presented to me, I saw as if they were on the sunny side of somehigh mountain, there refreshing themselves with the pleasantbeams of the sun, while I was shivering and shrinking in thecold, afflicted with frost, snow and dark clouds: methought also,betwixt me and them, I saw a wall that did compass about thismountain, now through this wall my soul did greatly desire topass; concluding, that if I could, I would even go into the verymidst of them, and there also comfort myself with the heat oftheir sun.

54.  About this wall I bethought myself, to go again andagain, still prying as I went, to see if I could find some way orpassage, by which I might enter therein: but none could I findfor some time: at the last, I saw, as it were, a narrow gap, likea little door-way in the wall, through which I attempted to pass:Now the passage being very strait and narrow, I made many offersto get in, but all in vain, even until I was well-nigh quite beatout, by striving to get in; at last, with great striving,methought I at first did get in my head, and after that, by asideling striving, my shoulders, and my whole body; then I wasexceeding glad, went and sat down in the midst of them, and sowas comforted with the light and heat of their sun.

55.  Now this mountain, and wall, etc., was thus made outto me: The mountain signified the church of the living God: thesun that shone thereon, the comfortable shining of His mercifulface on them that were therein; the wall I thought was the word,that did make separation between the Christians and the world;and the gap which was in the wall, I thought, was Jesus Christ,Who is the way to God the Father.  John xiv. 6; Matt. vii.14.  But forasmuch as the passage was wonderful narrow, evenso narrow that I could not, but with great difficulty, enter inthereat, it showed me, that none could enter into life, but thosethat were in downright earnest, and unless also they left thatwicked world behind them; for here was only room for body andsoul, but not for body and soul and sin.

56.  This resemblance abode upon my spirit many days; allwhich time I saw myself in a forlorn and sad condition, but yetwas provoked to a vehement hunger and desire to be one of thatnumber that did sit in the sunshine: Now also I should praywherever I was: whether at home or abroad; in house or field; andwould also often, with lifting up of heart, sing that of thefifty-first Psalm, O Lord, consider my distress;for as yet I knew not where I was.

57.  Neither as yet could I attain to any comfortablepersuasion that I had faith in Christ; but instead of havingsatisfaction here, I began to find my soul to be assaulted withfresh doubts about my future happiness; especially with such asthese, whether I was elected?  But how, ifthe day of grace should now be past and gone?

58.  By these two temptations I was very much afflictedand disquieted; sometimes by one, and sometimes by the other ofthem.  And first, to speak of that about my questioning myelection, I found at this time, that though I was in a flame tofind the way to heaven and glory, and though nothing could beatme off from this, yet this question did so offend and discourageme, that I was, especially sometimes, as if the very strength ofmy body also had been taken away by the force and powerthereof.  This scripture did also seem to me to trample uponall my desires; It is not of him that willeth, nor ofhim that runneth; but of God that showeth mercy. Rom. ix. 16.

59.  With this scripture I could not tell what to do: forI evidently saw, unless that the great God, of His infinite graceand bounty, had voluntarily chosen me to be a vessel of mercy,though I should desire, and long, and labour until my heart didbreak, no good could come of it.  Therefore this would stickwith me, How can you tell that you are elected? And what if you should not?  How then?

60.  O Lord, thought I, what if I should notindeed?  It may be you are not, said the Tempter; it may beso indeed, thought I.  Why then, said Satan, you had as goodleave off, and strive no farther; for if indeed, you should notbe elected and chosen of God, there is no talk of your beingsaved; For it is not of him that willeth, nor of himthat runneth; but of God that showeth mercy.

61.  By these things I was driven to my wits’ end,not knowing what to say, or how to answer these temptations:(indeed, I little thought that Satan had thus assaulted me, butthat rather it was my own prudence thus to start the question):for that the elect only attained eternal life; that, I withoutscruple did heartily close withal; but that myself was one ofthem, there lay the question.

62.  Thus therefore, for several days, I was greatlyassaulted and perplexed, and was often, when I have been walking,ready to sink where I went, with faintness in my mind; but oneday, after I had been so many weeks oppressed and cast downtherewith as I was now quite giving up the ghost of all my hopesof ever attaining life, that sentence fell with weight upon myspirit, Look at the generations of old, and see;did ever any trust in God, and were confounded?

63.  At which I was greatly lightened, and encouraged inmy soul; for thus, at that very instant, it was expounded to me:Begin at the beginning of Genesis, and read to the endof the Revelations, and see if you can find, thatthere were ever any that trusted in the Lord, and wereconfounded.  So coming home, I presently went to myBible, to see if I could find that saying, not doubting but tofind it presently; for it was so fresh, and with such strengthand comfort on my spirit, that it was as if it talked withme.

64.  Well, I looked, but I found it not; only it abodeupon me: Then did I ask first this good man, and then another, ifthey knew where it was, but they knew no such place.  Atthis I wondered, that such a sentence should so suddenly, andwith such comfort and strength, seize, and abide upon my heart;and yet that none could find it (for I doubted not but that itwas in holy scripture).

65.  Thus I continued above a year, and could not findthe place; but at last, casting my eye upon the Apocryphabooks, I found it in Ecclesiasticus, Eccles. ii. 10. This, at the first, did somewhat daunt me; but because by thistime I had got more experience of the love and kindness of God,it troubled me the less, especially when I considered that thoughit was not in those texts that we call holy and canonical; yetforasmuch as this sentence was the sum and substance of many ofthe promises, it was my duty to take the comfort of it; and Ibless God for that word, for it was of God to me: that word dothstill at times shine before my face.

66.  After this, that other doubt did come with strengthupon me, But how if the day of grace should be past andgone?  How if you have overstood the time ofmercy?  Now I remember that one day, as I was walking in thecountry, I was much in the thoughts of this, But how if theday of grace is past?  And to aggravate my trouble, theTempter presented to my mind those good people of Bedford,and suggested thus unto me, that these being converted already,they were all that God would save in those parts; and that I cametoo late, for these had got the blessing before I came.

67.  Now I was in great distress, thinking in very deedthat this might well be so; wherefore I went up and down,bemoaning my sad condition; counting myself far worse than athousand fools for standing off thus long, and spending so manyyears in sin as I had done; still crying out, Oh! that I hadturned sooner!  Oh! that I had turned seven years ago! It made me also angry with myself, to think that I should have nomore wit, but to trifle away my time, till my soul and heavenwere lost.

68.  But when I had been long vexed with this fear, andwas scarce able to take one step more, just about the same placewhere I received my other encouragement, these words broke inupon my mind, Compel them to come in, that my house maybe filled; and yet there is room.  Luke xiv. 22,23.  These words, but especially those, And yet there isroom, were sweet words to me; for truly I thought that bythem I saw there was place enough in heaven for me; and moreover,that when the Lord Jesus did speak these words, He then did thinkof me: and that He knowing that the time would come, that Ishould be afflicted with fear, that there was no place left forme in His bosom, did before speak this word, and leave it uponrecord, that I might find help thereby against this viletemptation.  This I then verily believed.

69.  In the light and encouragement of this word I went apretty while; and the comfort was the more, when I thought thatthe Lord Jesus should think on me so long ago, and that He shouldspeak those words on purpose for my sake; for I did think verily,that He did on purpose speak them to encourage me withal.

70.  But I was not without my temptations to go backagain; temptations I say, both from Satan, mine own heart, andcarnal acquaintance; but I thank God these were outweighed bythat sound sense of death, and of the day of judgment, whichabode, as it were, continually in my view: I would often alsothink on Nebuchadnezzar; of whom it is said, He hadgiven him all the kingdoms of the earth.  Dan. v. 18,19.  Yet, thought I, if this great man had all his portionin this world, one hour in hell-fire would make him forgetall.  Which consideration was a great help to me.

71.  I was also made, about this time, to see somethingconcerning the beasts that Mosescounted clean andunclean: I thought those beasts were types of men; theclean, types of them that were the people of God; but theunclean, types of such as were the children of the wickedone.  Now I read, that the clean beasts chewed thecud; that is, thought I, they show us, we must feed upon theword of God: they also parted the hoof.  I thoughtthat signified, we must part, if we would be saved, with the waysof ungodly men.  And also, in further reading about them, Ifound, that though we did chew the cud, as the hare; yetif we walked with claws, like a dog; or if we did part the hoof,like the swine, yet if we did not chew the cud, as thesheep, we were still, for all that, but unclean: for I thoughtthe hareto be a type of those that talk of the word, yetwalk in the ways of sin; and that the swinewas like himthat parted with his outward pollutions, but still wanteth theword of faith, without which there could be no way of salvation,let a man be never so devout.  Deut. xiv.  After this,I found by reading the word, that those that must be glorifiedwith Christ in another world must be called by Him here;called to the partaking of a share in His word and righteousness,and to the comforts and first-fruits of His Spirit; and to apeculiar interest in all those heavenly things, which do indeedprepare the soul for that rest, and house of glory, which is inheaven above.

72.  Here again I was at a very I great stand, notknowing what to do, fearing I was not called; for, thought I, ifI be not called, what then can do me good?  None but thosewho are effectually called inherit the kingdom of heaven. But oh! how I now loved those words that spake of aChristian’s calling! as when the Lord said to one,Follow Me; and to another, Come after Me: and oh,thought I, that He would say so to me too: how gladly would I runafter Him!

73.  I cannot now express with what longings andbreathings in my soul, I cried to Christ to call me.  Thus Icontinued for a time, all on a flame to be converted to JesusChrist; and did also see at that day, such glory in a convertedstate, that I could not be contented without a sharetherein.  Gold! could it have been gotten for gold, whatwould I have given for it?  Had I had a whole world, it hadall gone ten thousand times over for this, that my soul mighthave been in a converted state.

74.  How lovely now was every one in my eyes, that Ithought to be converted men and women.  They shone, theywalked like a people that carried the broad seal of heaven aboutthem.  Oh! I saw the lot was fallen to them in pleasantplaces, and they had a goodly heritage.  Psalm xvi. But that which made me sick, was that of Christ, in St Mark,He goeth up into a mountain, and calleth unto Him whomHe would, and they came unto Him.  Mark iii.13.

75.  This scripture made me faint and fear, yet itkindled fire in my soul.  That which made me fear, was this;lest Christ should have no liking to me, for He called whom Hewould.  But oh! the glory that I saw in that condition,did still so engage my heart, that I could seldom read of anythat Christ did call, but I presently wished, Would I had beenin their clothes, would I had been born Peter;would I had been born John; or, would I had beenby and had heard Him when He called them, how would I havecried, O Lord, call me also!  But,oh!  I feared He would not call me.

76.  And truly, the Lord let me go thus many monthstogether, and shewed me nothing; either that I was already, orshould be called hereafter: but at last after much time spent,and many groans to God, that I might be made partaker of the holyand heavenly calling; that word came in upon me: I willcleanse their blood, that I have not cleansed, forthe Lord dwelleth in Zion.  Joel iii. 21.  Thesewords I thought were sent to encourage me to wait still upon God;and signified unto me, that if I were not already, yet time mightcome, I might be in truth converted unto Christ.

77.  About this time I began to break my mind to thosepoor people in Bedford, and to tell them my condition;which when they had heard, they told Mr Gifford of me, whohimself also took occasion to talk with me, and was willing to bewell persuaded of me, though I think from little grounds: but heinvited me to his house, where I should hear him confer withothers, about the dealings of God with their souls; from allwhich I still received more conviction, and from that time beganto see something of the vanity and inward wretchedness of mywicked heart; for as yet I knew no great matter therein; but nowit began to be discovered unto me, and also to work at that rateas it never did before.  Now I evidently found, that lustsand corruptions put forth themselves within me, in wickedthoughts and desires, which I did not regard before; my desiresalso for heaven and life began to fail; I found also, thatwhereas before my soul was full of longing after God, now itbegan to hanker after every foolish vanity; yea, my heart wouldnot be moved to mind that which was good; it began to becareless, both of my soul and heaven; it would now continuallyhang back, both to, and in every duty; and was as a clog on theleg of a bird, to hinder me from flying.

78.  Nay, thought I, now I grow worse and worse: now I amfarther from conversion than ever I was before.  Wherefore Ibegan to sink greatly in my soul, and began to entertain suchdiscouragement in my heart, as laid me as low as hell.  Ifnow I should have burned at the stake, I could not believe thatChrist had love for me: alas!  I could neither hear Him, norsee Him, nor feel Him, nor favour any of His things; I was drivenas with a tempest, my heart would be unclean, and theCanaaniteswould dwell in the land.

79.  Sometimes I would tell my condition to the people ofGod; which, when they heard, they would pity me, and would tellme of the promises; but they had as good have told me, that Imust reach the sun with my finger, as have bidden me receive orrely upon the promises: and as soon I should have done it. All my sense and feeling were against me; and I saw I had anheart that would sin, and that lay under a law that wouldcondemn.

80.  These things have often made me think of the childwhich the father brought to Christ, who, while he wasyet coming to Him, was thrown down by the devil,and also so rent and torn by him, that he lay down andwallowed, foaming.  Luke ix. 42; Mark ix. 20.

81.  Further, in these days, I would find my heart toshut itself up against the Lord, and against His holy word: Ihave found my unbelief to set, as it were, the shoulder to thedoor, to keep Him out; and that too even then, when I have withmany a bitter sigh, cried, Good Lord, break it open: Lord,break these gates of brass, and cut these bars of ironasunder.  Psalm cvii. 16.  Yet that word wouldsometimes create in my heart a peaceable pause, I girdedthee, though thou hast not known Me.  Isaiah xlv.5.

82.  But all this while, as to the act of sinning, I wasnever more tender than now: my hinder parts were inward: I durstnot take a pin or stick, though but so big as a straw; for myconscience now was sore, and would smart at every touch: I couldnot now tell how to speak my words, for fear I should misplacethem.  Oh, how gingerly did I then go, in all I did orsaid!  I found myself as on a miry bog, that shook if I didbut stir, and was, as there, left both of God and Christ, and theSpirit, and all good things.

83.  But I observed, though I was such a great sinnerbefore conversion, yet God never much charged the guilt of thesins of my ignorance upon me; only He showed me, I was lost if Ihad not Christ, because I had been a sinner: I saw that I wanteda perfect righteousness to present me without fault before God,and this righteousness was no where to be found, but in thePerson of Jesus Christ.

84.  But my original and inward pollution; That, that wasmy plague and affliction, that I saw at a dreadful rate, alwaysputting forth itself within me; that I had the guilt of, toamazement; by reason of that, I was more loathsome in mine owneyes than was a toad, and I thought I was so in God’s eyestoo: Sin and corruption, I said, would as naturally bubble out ofmy heart, as water would bubble out of a fountain: I thought now,that every one had a better heart than I had; I could havechanged heart with any body; I thought none but the devil himselfcould equalise me for inward wickedness and pollution ofmind.  I fell therefore at the sight of my own vilenessdeeply into despair; for I concluded, that this condition that Iwas in, could not stand with a state of grace.  Sure,thought I, I am forsaken of God; sure, I am given up to thedevil, and to a reprobate mind: and thus I continued a longwhile, even for some years together.

85.  While I was thus afflicted with the fears of my owndamnation, there were two things would make me wonder; the onewas, when I saw old people hunting after the things of this life,as if they should live here always: the other was, when I foundprofessors much distressed and cast down, when they met withoutward losses; as of husband, wife, child, etc.  Lord,thought I, what a-do is here about such little things asthese!  What seeking after carnal things, by some, and whatgrief in others for the loss of them! if they so much labourafter, and shed so many tears for the things of this presentlife, how am I to be bemoaned, pitied, and prayed for!  Mysoul is dying, my soul is damning.  Were my soul but in agood condition, and were I but sure of it, ah! how rich should Iesteem myself, though blessed but with bread and water!  Ishould count those but small afflictions, and should bear them aslittle burthens.  A wounded spirit who can bear!

86. And though I was much troubled, and tossed, and afflicted,with the sight and sense and terror of my own wickedness, yet Iwas afraid to let this sight and sense go quite off my mind: thatunless guilt of conscience was taken off the right way, that is,by the blood of Christ a man grew rather worse for the loss ofhis trouble of mind, than better.  Wherefore, if my guiltlay hard upon me, then I should cry that the blood of Christmight take it off: and if it was going off without it (for thesense of sin would be sometimes as if it would die, and go quiteaway), then I would also strive to fetch it upon my heart again,by bringing the punishment of sin in hell fire upon my spirit;and should cry, Lord, let it not go off my heart,but the right way, by the blood of Christ, andthe application of Thy mercy, through Him, to mysoul, for that scripture lay much upon me, withoutshedding of blood is no remission.  Heb. ix. 22. And that which made me the more afraid of this, was, because Ihad seen some, who though when they were under wounds ofconscience, would cry and pray; yet seeking rather present easefrom their trouble, than pardon for their sin, cared not how theylost their guilt, so they got it out of their mind: now, havinggot it off the wrong way, it was not sanctified unto them; butthey grew harder and blinder, and more wicked after theirtrouble.  This made me afraid, and made me cry to God themore, that it might not be so with me.

87.  And now I was sorry that God had made me man, for Ifeared I was a reprobate; I counted man as unconverted, the mostdoleful of all the creatures.  Thus being afflicted andtossed about my sad condition, I counted myself alone, and abovethe most of men unblessed.

88.  Yea, I thought it impossible that ever I shouldattain to so much goodness of heart, as to thank God that He hadmade me a man.  Man indeed is the most noble by creation, ofall creatures in the visible world; but by sin he has madehimself the most ignoble.  The beasts, birds, fishes,etc.  I blessed their condition; for they had not a sinfulnature; they were not obnoxious to the wrath of God; they werenot to go to hell-fire after death; I could therefore haverejoiced, had my condition been as any of theirs.

89.  In this condition I went a great while, but whencomforting time was come, I heard one preach a sermon on thesewords in the song, Song iv. 1, Behold, thou artfair, my love, behold, thou artfair.  But at that time he made these two words, mylove, his chief and subject matter: from which, after he hada little opened the text, he observed these several conclusions:1. That the church, and so every saved soul, isChrist’s love, when loveless.  2.Christ’s love without a cause.  3.Christ’s love, when hated of the world. 4. Christ’s love, when under temptation and underdestruction.  5. Christ’s love, fromfirst to last.

90.  But I got nothing by what he said at present; onlywhen he came to the application of the fourth particular, thiswas the word he said; If it be so, that the saved soulis Christ’s love, when under temptation anddesertion; then poor tempted soul, when thou artassaulted, and afflicted with temptations, and thehidings of God’s face, yet think on these twowords, ‘My love,’ still.

91.  So as I was going home, these words came again intomy thoughts; and I well remember, as they came in, I said thus inmy heart, What shall I get by thinking on these twowords?  This thought had no sooner passed through myheart, but these words began thus to kindle in my spirit, Thouart My Love, thou art My Dove, twenty times together;and still as they ran in my mind, they waxed stronger and warmer,and began to make me look up; but being as yet, between hope andfear, I still replied in my heart, But is it true, butis it true?  At which that sentence fell upon me, Hewist not that it was true, which was done by theAngel.  Acts xii. 9.

92.  Then I began to give place to the word which withpower, did over and over make this joyful sound within my soul,‘Thou art my Love, thou art My Love, andnothing shall separate thee from My Love.  And with thatmy heart was filled full of comfort and hope, and now I couldbelieve that my sins should be forgiven me; yea, I was now sotaken with the love and mercy of God, that I remember I could nottell how to contain till I got home: I thought I could havespoken of His love, and have told of His mercy to me, even to thevery crows, that sat upon the ploughed lands before me, had theybeen capable to have understood me: wherefore I said in my soul,with much gladness, Well, I would I had a pen and inkhere, I would write this down before I go any farther;for surely I will not forget this forty years hence. But, alas! within less than forty days I began to question allagain; which made me begin to question all still.

93.  Yet still at times I was helped to believe, that itwas a true manifestation of grace unto my soul, though I had lostmuch of the life and favour of it.  Now about a week or afortnight after this I was much followed by this scripture,Simon, Simon; behold, Satan hath desiredto have you, Luke xxii. 31, and sometimes it would sound soloud within me, yea, and as it was, call so strongly after me,that once, above all the rest, I turned my head over my shoulder,thinking verily that some man had behind me, called me; being ata great distance, methought he called so loud: it came, as I havethought since, to have stirred me up to prayer, and towatchfulness: it came to acquaint me, that a cloud and a stormwas coming down upon me: but I understood it not.

94.  Also, as I remember, that time that it called to meso loud, was the last time that it sounded in mine ears; but methinks I hear still with what a loud voice these words,Simon, Simon, sounded in mine ears.  I thoughtverily, as I have told you, that somebody had called after me,that was half a mile behind me: and although that was not myname, yet it made me suddenly look behind me, believing that hethat called so loud, meant me.

95.  But so foolish was I, and ignorant, that I knew notthe reason of this sound; (which as I did both see and feel soonafter, was sent from heaven as an alarm, to awaken me to providefor what was coming,) only I should muse and wonder in my mind,to think what should be the reason of this scripture, and that atthis rate, so often and so loud, should still be sounding andrattling in mine ears: but, as I said before, I soon afterperceived the end of God therein.

96.  For, about the space of a month after, a very greatstorm came down upon me, which handled me twenty times worse thanall I had met with before; it came stealing upon me, now by onepiece, then by another: First, all my comfort was taken from me;then darkness seized upon me; after which, whole floods ofblasphemies, both against God, Christ, and the scriptures, werepoured upon my spirit, to my great confusion andastonishment.  These blasphemous thoughts were such asstirred up questions in me against the very being of God, and ofHis only beloved Son: As, whether there were in truth, a God orChrist?  And whether the holy scriptures were not rather afable, and cunning story, than the holy and pure word of God?

97.  The tempter would also much assault me with this,How can you tell but that theTurks had as goodscriptures to prove theirMahomet the Saviour, aswe have to prove our Jesus is?  And, could Ithink, that so many ten thousands, in so manycountries and kingdoms, should be without the knowledge ofthe right way to heaven, (if there were indeed aheaven); and that we only, who live in a corner ofthe earth, should alone be blessed therewith? Every one doth think his own religion rightest,bothJews andMoors, andPagans; and howif all our faith, and Christ, and scriptures,should be but a think so too?

98.  Sometimes I have endeavoured to argue against thesesuggestions, and to set some of the sentences of blessedPaulagainst them; but alas! I quickly felt, when I thusdid, such arguings as these would return again upon me, Thoughwe made so great a matter of Paul, and of his words,yet how could I tell, but that in very deed, hebeing a subtle and cunning man, might give himself up todeceive with strong delusions: and also take the pains andtravel, to undo and destroy his fellows.

99.  These suggestions, (with many others which at thistime I may not, and dare not utter, neither by word or pen,) didmake such a seizure upon my spirit, and did so overweigh myheart, both with their number, continuance, and fiery force, thatI felt as if there were nothing else but these from morning tonight within me; and as though indeed there could be room fornothing else; and also concluded, that God had, in very wrath tomy soul, given me up to them, to be carried away with them, aswith a mighty whirlwind.

100.  Only by the distaste that they gave unto my spirit,I felt there was something in me that refused to embracethem.  But this consideration I then only had, when Godgave me leave to swallow my spittle; otherwise the noise, andstrength, and force of these temptations would drown andoverflow, and as it were, bury all such thoughts, or theremembrance of any such thing.  While I was in thistemptation, I often found my mind suddenly put upon it to curseand swear, or to speak some grievous thing against God, or ChristHis Son, and of the scriptures.

101.  Now I thought, surely I am possessed of thedevil: at other times, again, I thought I should be bereft ofmy wits; for instead of lauding and magnifying God the Lord, withothers, if I have but heard Him spoken of, presently some mosthorrible blasphemous thought or other would bolt out of my heartagainst Him; so that whether I did think that God was, or againdid think there was no such thing, no love, nor peace, norgracious disposition could I feel within me.

102.  These things did sink me into very deep despair;for I concluded that such things could not possibly be foundamongst them that loved God.  I often, when thesetemptations had been with force upon me, did compare myself tothe case of such a child, whom some gipsy hath by force took upin her arms, and is carrying from friend and country.  Kicksometimes I did, and also shriek and cry; but yet I was bound inthe wings of the temptation, and the wind would carry meaway.  I thought also of Saul, and of the evil spirit thatdid possess him: and did greatly fear that my condition was thesame with that of his.  1 Sam. x.

103.  In these days, when I have heard others talk ofwhat was the sin against the Holy Ghost, then would the tempterso provoke me to desire to sin that against sin, that I was as ifI could not, must not, neither should be quiet until I hadcommitted it; now no sin would serve but that.  If it wereto be committed by speaking of such a word, then I have been asif my mouth would have spoken that word, whether I would or no;and in so strong a measure was this temptation upon me, thatoften I have been ready to clap my hand under my chin, to hold mymouth from opening; and to that end also, I have had thoughts atother times, to leap with my head downward, into somemuckhill-hole or other, to keep my mouth from speaking.

104.  Now again I beheld the condition of the dog andtoad, and counted the estate of every thing that God had made,far better than this dreadful state of mine, and such as mycompanions were.  Yea, gladly would I have been in thecondition of a dog or horse: for I knew they had no souls toperish under the everlasting weight of hell, or sin, as mine waslike to do.  Nay, and though I saw this, felt this, and wasbroken to pieces with it; yet that which added to my sorrow was,I could not find, that with all my soul I did desiredeliverance.  That scripture did also tear and rend my soulin the midst of these distractions, The wicked are like thetroubled sea, when it cannot rest, whose waterscast up mire and dirt.  There is no peace,saith my God, to the wicked.  Isa. lvii. 20,21.

105.  And now my heart was, at times, exceeding hard; ifI would have given a thousand pounds for a tear, I could not shedone: no nor sometimes scarce desire to shed one.  I was muchdejected, to think that this would be my lot.  I saw somecould mourn and lament their sin; and others again, could rejoiceand bless God for Christ; and others again, could quietly talkof, and with gladness remember the word of God; while I only wasin the storm or tempest.  This much sunk me, I thought mycondition was alone, I should therefore much bewail my hard hap,but get out of, or get rid of these things, I could not.

106.  While this temptation lasted, which was about ayear, I could attend upon none of the ordinances of God, but withsore and great affliction.  Yea, then I was most distressedwith blasphemies.  If I had been hearing the word, thenuncleanness, blasphemies and despair would hold me a captivethere: if I have been reading, then sometimes I had suddenthoughts to question all I read: sometimes again, my mind wouldbe so strangely snatched away, and possessed with other things,that I have neither known, nor regarded, nor remembered so muchas the sentence that but now I have read.

107.  In prayer also I have been greatly troubled at thistime; sometimes I have thought I have felt him behind me pullingmy clothes: he would be also continually at me in time of prayer,to have done, break off, make haste, you have prayed enough, andstay no longer; still drawing my mind away.  Sometimes alsohe would cast in such wicked thoughts as these; that I must prayto him, or for him: I have thought sometimes of that, Falldown; or, if thou wilt fall down and worship me. Matt. iii. 9.

108.  Also, when because I have had wandering thoughts inthe time of this duty, I have laboured to compose my mind, andfix it upon God; then with great force hath the tempter labouredto distract me, and confound me, and to turn away my mind, bypresenting to my heart and fancy, the form of a bush, a bull, abesom, or the like, as if I should pray to these: To these hewould also (at sometimes especially) so hold my mind, that I wasas if I could think of nothing else, or pray to nothing else butto these, or such as they.

109.  Yet at times I should have some strong andheart-affecting apprehensions of God, and the reality of thetruth of His gospel.  But, oh! how would my heart, at suchtimes, put forth itself with unexpressible groanings.  Mywhole soul was then in every word; I should cry with pangs afterGod, that He would be merciful unto me; but then I should bedaunted again with such conceits as these: I should think thatGod did mock at these my prayers, saying, and that in theaudience of the holy angels, This poor simple wretch dothhanker after Me, as if I had nothing to do with Mymercy, but to bestow it on such as he. Alas, poor soul! how art thoudeceived!  It is not for such as thee to have favourwith the Highest.

110.  Then hath the tempter come upon me, also, with suchdiscouragements as these: You are very hot for mercy,but I will cool you; this frame shall not lastalways: many have been as hot as you for a spurt,but I have quenched their zeal(and with this, such andsuch, who were fallen off, would be set before mine eyes). Then I should be afraid that I should do so too: But, thought I,I am glad this comes into my mind: well, I will watch, and takewhat care I can.  Though you do, said Satan, Ishall be too hard for you; I will cool you insensibly,by degrees, by little and little.  Whatcare I, saith he, though I be seven years in chilling yourheart, if I can do it at last?  Continualrocking will lull a crying child asleep: I will ply itclose, but I will have my end accomplished. Though you be burning hot at present, I can pull youfrom this fire; I shall have you cold before it belong.

111.  These things brought me into great straits; for asI at present could not find myself fit for present death, so Ithought, to live long, would make me yet more unfit; for timewould make me forget all, and wear even the remembrance of theevil of sin, the worth of heaven, and the need I had of the bloodof Christ to wash me, both out of mind and thought: but I thankChrist Jesus, these things did not at present make me slack mycrying, but rather did put me more upon it (like her who metwith adulterer, Deut. xxii. 26), in which days that was agood word to me, after I had suffered these things awhile:—I am persuaded that neither death, norlife, etc., shall be able to separate us from thelove of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.  Rom.viii. 38, 39.  And now I hoped long life would not destroyme, nor make me miss of heaven.

112.  Yet I had some supports in this temptation, thoughthey were then all questioned by me; that in Jer. iii.atthe first was something to me; and so was the consideration ofverse 5 of that chapter; that though we have spoken and done asevil things as we could, yet we should cry unto God, MyFather, Thou art the Guide of my youth, and shallreturn unto Him.

113.  I had, also, once a sweet glance from that in 2Cor. v. 21:For He hath made Him to be sin for us, Whoknew no sin, that we might be made the righteousness ofGod in Him.  I remember that one day, as I was sittingin a neighbour’s house, and there very sad at theconsideration of my many blasphemies; and as I was saying in mymind, What ground have I to say that, who have been sovile and abominable, should ever inherit eternallife?  That word came suddenly upon me, What shall wesay to these things?  If God be for us, whocan be against us? Rom. viii. 31.  That also was an helpunto me, Because I live, ye shall live also. John xiv. 19.  But these words were but hints, touches, andshort visits, though very sweet when present; only they lastednot; but, like toPeter’s sheet, of asudden were caught up from me, to heaven again. Acts x. 16.

114.  But afterwards the Lord did more fully andgraciously discover Himself unto me, and indeed, did quite, notonly deliver me from the guilt that, by these things was laidupon my conscience, but also from the very filth thereof; for thetemptation was removed, and I was put into my right mind again,as other Christians were.

115.  I remember that one day, as I was travelling intothe country, and musing on the wickedness and blasphemy of myheart, and considering the enmity that was in me to God, thatscripture came into my mind, Having made peace through theblood of His cross.  Col. i. 20.  By which I wasmade to see, both again and again, that God and my soul werefriends by His blood; yea, I saw that the justice of God, and mysinful soul could embrace and kiss each other, through Hisblood.  This was a good day to me; I hope I shall neverforget it.

116.  At another time, as I sat by the fire in my house,and was musing on my wretchedness, the Lord made that also aprecious word unto me, Forasmuch then as the children arepartakers of flesh and blood, He also Himself likewisetook part of the same, that through death He might destroyhim that had the power of death, that is the devil;and deliver those who through fear of death, were alltheir lifetime subject to bondage.  Heb. ii. 14,15.  I thought that the glory of these words was then soweighty on me, that I was both once and twice ready to swoon as Isate; yet not with grief and trouble, but with solid joy andpeace.

117.  At this time also I sate under of holy MrGifford, whose doctrine, by God’s grace, was muchfor my stability.  This man made it much his business todeliver the people of God from all those false and unsound tests,that by nature we are prone to.  He would bid us takespecial heed, that we took not up any truth upon trust; as fromthis, or that, or any other man or men; but to cry mightily toGod, that He would convince us of the reality thereof, and set usdown therein by His own Spirit in the holy word; For, saidhe, if you do otherwise, when temptations come,if strongly, you not having received them with evidencefrom heaven, will find you want that help and strength nowto resist, that once you thought you had.

118.  This was as seasonable to my soul, as the formerand latter rains in their season (for I had found, and that bysad experience, the truth of these his words: for I had feltno man can say, especially when tempted by the devil,that Jesus Christ is Lord, but by the HolyGhost).  Wherefore I found my soul, through grace, veryapt to drink in this doctrine, and to incline to pray to God,that in nothing that pertained to God’s glory, and my owneternal happiness, He would suffer me to be without theconfirmation thereof from heaven; for now I saw clearly, therewas an exceeding difference betwixt the notion of the flesh andblood, and the revelations of God in heaven: also a greatdifference betwixt that faith that is feigned, and according toman’s wisdom, and that which comes by a man’s beingborn thereto of God.  Matt. xvi. 15; 1 John v. 1.

119.  But, oh! now, how was my soul led from truth totruth by God!  Even from the birth and cradle of the Son ofGod, to His accession, and second coming from heaven to judge theworld!

120.  Truly, I then found, upon this account, the greatGod was very good unto me; for, to my remembrance, there was notany thing that I then cried unto God to make known, and revealunto me, but He was pleased to do it for me; I mean, not one partof the gospel of the Lord Jesus, but I was orderly led into it:methought I saw with great evidence, from the relation of thefour evangelists, the wonderful work of God, in giving JesusChrist to save us, from His conception and birth, even to Hissecond coming to judgment: methought I was as if I had seen Himborn, as if I had seen Him grow up; as if I had seen Him walkthrough this world, from the cradle to the cross; to which also,when He came, I saw how gently He gave Himself to be hanged, andnailed on it for my sins and wicked doings.  Also as I wasmusing on this His progress, that dropped on my spirit, He wasordained for the slaughter.  1 Peter i. 12, 20.

121.  When I have considered also the truth of Hisresurrection, and have remembered that word, Touch Me not,Mary, etc., I have seen as if He had leaped out of thegrave’s mouth, for joy that He was risen again, and had gotthe conquest over our dreadful foes.  John xx. 17.  Ihave also in the spirit, seen Him a man, on the right hand of Godthe Father for me; and have seen the manner of His coming fromheaven, to judge the world with glory, and have been confirmed inthese things by these scriptures following, Acts i. 9, 10, andvii. 56, and x. 42; Heb. vii. 24 and ix. 28; Rev. i. 18; 1 Thess.iv. 17, 18.

112.  Once I was troubled to know whether the Lord Jesuswas man as well as God, and God as well as man: and truly, inthose days, let men say what they would, unless I had it withevidence from heaven, all was nothing to me; I counted myself notset down in any truth of God.  Well, I was much troubledabout this point, and could not tell how to be resolved; at last,that in Rev. v. 6 came into my mind: And I beheld,and, to, in the midst of the throne, andof the four beasts, and in the midst of the elders,stood a Lamb, as it had been slain.  In themidst of the throne, thought I, there is the Godhead; in themidst of the elders, there is His manhood; but, oh! methoughtthis did glister!  It was a goodly touch, and gave me sweetsatisfaction.  That other scripture also did help me much inthis, For unto us a Child is born, unto us a Son isgiven; and the government shall be upon His shoulder:and His name shall be called Wonderful, Counsellor,the Mighty God, the Everlasting Father, thePrince of Peace, etc.  Isa. ix. 6.

123.  Also besides these teachings of God in His word,the Lord made use of two things to confirm me in this truth; theone was the errors of the Quakers and the other was the guilt ofsin; for as the Quakers did oppose this truth, so God did themore confirm me in it, by leading me into the scripture that didwonderfully maintain it.

124. The errors that this people then maintained,were:—

‘1.  That the holy scriptures were not the word ofGod.

‘2.  That every man in the world had the spirit ofChrist, grace, faith, etc.

‘3.  That Christ Jesus, as crucified, and dyingsixteen hundred years ago, did not satisfy divine justice for thesins of the people.

‘4.  That Christ’s flesh and blood werewithin the saints.

‘5.  That the bodies of the good and bad that areburied in the church-yard, shall not arise again.

‘6.  That the resurrection is past with good menalready.

‘7.  That that man Jesus, that was crucifiedbetween two thieves, on mount Calvary, in the land ofCanaan, by Jerusalem, was not ascended above thestarry heavens.

‘8.  That He should not, even the same Jesus thatdied by the hands of the Jews, come again at the last day; and asman, judge all nations,’ etc.

125.  Many more vile and abominable things were in thosedays fomented by them, by which I was driven to a more narrowsearch of the scriptures, and was through their light andtestimony, not only enlightened, but greatly confirmed andcomforted in the truth: And, as I said, the guilt of sin did helpme much; for still as that would come upon me, the blood ofChrist did take it off again, and again, and again; and that toosweetly, according to the scripture.  O friends!cry to God to reveal Jesus Christ unto you; there isnone teacheth like Him.

126.  It would be too long here to stay, to tell you inparticular, how God did set me down in all the things of Christ,and how He did, that He might so do, lead me into His words; yea,and also how He did open them unto me, and make them shine beforeme, and cause them to dwell with me, talk with me, and comfort meover and over, both of His own being, and the being of His Son,and Spirit, and word, and gospel.

127.  Only this, as I said before, I will say unto youagain, that in general, He was pleased to take this course withme; first, to suffer me to be afflicted with temptationsconcerning them, and then reveal them unto me; as sometimes Ishould lie under great guilt for sin, even crushed to the groundtherewith; and then the Lord would show me the death of Christ;yea, so sprinkle my conscience with His blood, that I shouldfind, and that before I was aware, that in that conscience, wherebut just now did reign and rage the law, even there would restand abide the peace and love of God, through Christ.

128.  Now I had an evidence, as I thought, of mysalvation, from heaven, with many golden seals thereon, allhanging in my sight.  Now could I remember thismanifestation, and the other discovery of grace, with comfort;and should often long and desire that the last day were come,that I might be for ever inflamed with the sight, and joy, andcommunion of Him, Whose head was crowned with thorns, Whose facewas spit upon, and body broken, and soul made an offering for mysins.  For whereas before I lay continually trembling at themouth of hell, now methought I was got so far therefrom, that Icould not, when I looked back, scarce discern it!  And oh!thought I, that I were fourscore years old now, that I might diequickly, that my soul might be gone to rest.

129.  But before I had got thus far out of these mytemptations, I did greatly long to see some ancient godlyman’s experience, who had writ some hundreds of yearsbefore I was born; for those who had writ in our days, I thought(but I desire them now to pardon me) that they had writ only thatwhich others felt; or else had, through the strength of theirwits and parts, studied to answer such objections as theyperceived others were perplexed with, without going downthemselves into the deep.  Well, after many such longings inmy mind, the God, in Whose hands are all our days and ways, didcast into my hand (one day) a book of MartinLuther’s; it was his Comment on the Galatians;it also was so old, that it was ready to fall piece from piece ifI did but turn it over.  Now I was pleased much that such anold book had fallen into my hand, the which when I had but alittle way perused, I found my condition in his experience solargely and profoundly handled, as if his book had been writtenout of my heart.  This made me marvel: for thus thought I,This man could not know any thing of the state of Christiansnow, but must needs write and speak the experience offormer days.

130.  Besides, he doth most gravely also in that book,debate of the rise of these temptations, namely, blasphemy,desperation, and the like; showing that the law of Moses,as well as the devil, death, and hell, hath a very great handtherein: the which, at first, was very strange to me; butconsidering and watching, I found it so indeed.  But ofparticulars here, I intend nothing; only this methinks I must letfall before all men—I do prefer this book of MartinLutherupon the Galatians(excepting the Holy Bible)before all the books that ever I had seen, as most fit for awounded conscience.

131.  And now I found, as I thought, that I loved Christdearly: Oh! methought my soul cleaved unto Him, my affectionscleaved unto Him; I felt love to Him as hot as fire; and now, asJobsaid, I thought I should die in my nest; but Idid quickly find, that my great love was but little; and that I,who had, as I thought, such burning love to Jesus Christ, couldlet Him go again for a very trifle,—God can tell how toabase us, and can hide pride from man.  Quickly after thismy love was tried to purpose.

132.  For after the Lord had, in this manner, thusgraciously delivered me from this great and sore temptation, andhad set me down so sweetly in the faith of His holy gospel, andhad given me such strong consolation and blessed evidence fromheaven, touching my interest in His love through Christ; thetempter came upon me again, and that with a more grievous anddreadful temptation than before.

133. And that was, To sell and part with this most blessedChrist, to exchange Him for the things of this life,for any thing.  The temptation lay upon me for thespace of a year, and did follow me so continually, that I was notrid of it one day in a month: no, not sometimes one hour in manydays together, unless when I was asleep.

134.  And though, in my judgment, I was persuaded, thatthose who were once effectually in Christ (as I hoped, throughHis grace, I had seen myself) could never lose Him for ever;The land shall not be sold for ever, for the land ismine, saith God.  Lev. xxv. 23.  Yet it was acontinual vexation to me, to think that I should have so much asone such thought within me against a Christ, a Jesus, that haddone for me as He had done; and yet then I had almost noneothers, but such blasphemous ones.

135.  But it was neither my dislike of the thought, noryet any desire and endeavour to resist, that in the least didshake or abate the continuation or force and strength thereof;for it did always, in almost whatever I thought, intermix itselftherewith, in such sort, that I could neither eat my food, stoopfor a pin, chop a stick, or cast mine eye to look on this orthat, but still the temptation would come, Sell Christ forthis, or sell Christ for that; sell Him,sell Him.

136.  Sometimes it would run in my thoughts, not solittle as a hundred times together, Sell Him, sellHim, sell Him: against which, I may say, for wholehours together, I have been forced to stand as continuallyleaning and forcing my spirit against it, lest haply, before Iwere aware, some wicked thought might arise in my heart, thatmight consent thereto; and sometimes the tempter would make mebelieve I had consented to it; but then I should be, as torturedupon a rack for whole days together.

137.  This temptation did put me to such scares, lest Ishould at some times, I say, consent thereto, and be overcometherewith, that by the very force of my mind, in labouring togainsay and resist this wickedness, my very body would be putinto action or motion, by way of pushing or thrusting with myhands or elbows; still answering, as fast as the destroyer said,Sell Him; I will not, I will not, I willnot, I will not; no, not for thousands,thousands, thousands of worlds: thus reckoning,lest I should, in the midst of these assaults, set too low avalue on Him; even until I scarce well knew where I was, or howto be composed again.

138.  At these seasons he would not let me eat my food atquiet; but, forsooth, when I was set at the table at my meat, Imust go hence to pray; I must leave my food now, just now, socounterfeit holy also would this devil be.  When I was thustempted, I would say in myself, Now I am at meat; letme make an end.  No, said he, you must do it now,or you will displease God, and despiseChrist.  Wherefore I was much afflicted with thesethings; and because of the sinfulness of my nature (imaginingthat these were impulses from God), I should deny to do it, as ifI denied God, and then should I be as guilty, because I did notobey a temptation of the devil, as if I had broken the law of Godindeed.

139.  But to be brief: one morning as I did lie in mybed, I was, as at other times, most fiercely assaulted with thistemptation, To sell and part with Christ; the wickedsuggestion still running in my mind, Sell Him, sellHim, sell Him, sell Him, sell Him, asfast as a man could speak: against which also, in my mind, as atother times, I answered, No, no, not forthousands, thousands, thousands, at leasttwenty times together: but at last, after much striving, evenuntil I was almost out of breath, I felt this thought passthrough my heart, Let Him go, if He will; and Ithought also, that I felt my heart freely consent thereto. Oh! the diligence of Satan!  Oh! the desperateness ofman’s heart!

140.  Now was the battle won, and down fell I as a birdthat is shot from the top of a tree, into great guilt, andfearful despair.  Thus getting out of my bed, I went mopinginto the field; but God knows, with as heavy a heart as mortalman, I think, could bear; where for the space of two hours, I waslike a man bereft of life; and, as now, past all recovery, andbound over to eternal punishment.

141.  And withal, that scripture did seize upon my soul:Or profane persons as Esau, who for one morsel ofmeat, sold his birthright: for ye know, howthat afterward, when he would have inherited theblessing, he was rejected; for he found no place ofrepentance, though he sought it carefully withtears.  Heb. xii. 16, 17.

142.  Now was I as one bound, I felt myself shut up untothe judgment to come; nothing now, for two years together, wouldabide with me, but damnation, and an expectation of damnation: Isay, nothing now would abide with me but this, save some fewmoments for relief, as in the sequel you will see.

143.  These words were to my soul, like fetters of brassto my legs, in the continual sound of which I went for severalmonths together.  But about ten or eleven o’clock onthat day, as I was walking under an hedge (full of sorrow andguilt, God knows), and bemoaning myself for this hard hap, thatsuch a thought should arise within me, suddenly this sentencerushed in upon me, The blood of Christ remits allguilt.  At this I made a stand in my spirit: with thatthis word took hold upon me, The blood of Jesus Christ HisSon, cleanseth us from all sin.  1 John i. 7.

144.  Now I began to conceive peace in my soul, andmethought I saw, as if the tempter did leer and steal away fromme, as being ashamed of what he had done.  At the same timealso I had my sin, and the blood of Christ, thus represented tome, That my sin, when compared to the blood of Christ, was nomore to it, than this little clod or stone before me, is to thisvast and wide field that here I see.  This gave me goodencouragement for the space of two or three hours; in which timealso, methought, I saw, by faith, the Son of God, as sufferingfor my sins: but because it tarried not, I therefore sunk in myspirit, under exceeding guilt again.

145.  But chiefly by the aforementioned scriptureconcerning Esau’sselling of his birthright; forthat scripture would lie all day long, all the week long, yea,all the year long in my mind, and hold me down, so that I couldby no means lift up myself; for when I would strive to turn tothis scripture or that, for relief, still that sentence would besounding in me; For ye know, how that afterwards,when he would have inherited the blessing, he found noplace of repentance, though he sought it carefully withtears.

146.  Sometimes, indeed, I should have a touch from thatin Luke xxii. 31, I have prayed for thee that thy faith failnot; but it would not abide upon me; neither could I, indeed,when I considered my state, find ground to conceive in the least,that there should be the root of that grace in me, having sinnedas I had done.  Now was I tore and rent in an heavy case formany days together.

147.  Then began I with sad and careful heart to considerof the nature and largeness of my sin, and to search into theword of God, if I could in any place espy a word of promise, orany encouraging sentence, by which I might take relief. Wherefore I began to consider that of Mark iii. 28: All sinsshall be forgiven unto the sons of men, and blasphemieswherewith soever they shall blaspheme.  Which place,methought at a blush, did contain a large and glorious promisefor the pardon of high offences; but considering the place morefully, I thought it was rather to be understood, as relating morechiefly to those who had, while in a natural estate, committedsuch things as there are mentioned; but not to me, who had notonly received light and mercy, but that had both after, and alsocontrary to that, so slighted Christ as I had done.

148.  I feared, therefore, that this wicked sin of mine,might be that sin unpardonable, of which He there thusspeaketh.  But he that shall blaspheme against the HolyGhost, hath never forgiveness, but is in danger ofeternal damnation.  Mark iii. 29.  And I did therather give credit to this, because of that sentence in theHebrews: For you know how that afterwards, when hewould have inherited the blessing, he was rejected;for he found no place of repentance, though he soughtit carefully with tears.  And this stuck always withme.

149.  And now was I both a burthen and a terror tomyself; nor did I ever so know, as now, what it was to be wearyof my life, and yet afraid to die.  Oh! how gladly now wouldI have been anybody but myself! anything but a man, and in anycondition but my own!  For there was nothing did pass morefrequently over my mind, than that it was impossible for me to beforgiven my transgression, and to be saved from the wrath tocome.

150.  And now I began to call again time that was spent;wishing a thousand times twice told, that the day was yet to comewhen I should be tempted to such a sin; concluding with greatindignation, both against my heart, and all assaults, how I wouldrather have been torn in pieces, than be found a consenterthereto.  But alas! these thoughts, and wishings, andresolvings were now too late to help me; this thought had passedmy heart, God hath let me go, and I am fallen.  Oh! thoughtI, that it were with me as in months past, as in thedays when God preserved me!  Job xxix. 2.

151.  Then again, being loth and unwilling to perish, Ibegan to compare my sin with others to see if I could find thatany of those that were saved, had done as I had done.  So Iconsidered David’sadultery, and murder, and foundthem most heinous crimes; and those too committed after light andgrace received: but yet by considering that his transgressionswere only such as were against the law of Moses, fromwhich the Lord Christ could, with the consent of His word,deliver him: but mine was against the gospel; yea, against theMediator thereof; I had sold my Saviour.

152.  Now again should I be as if racked upon the wheel,when I considered, that, besides the guilt that possessed me, Ishould be so void of grace, so bewitched.  What, thought I,must it be no sin but this?  Must it needs be the greattransgression?  Ps. xix. 13.  Must that wickedonetouch my soul?  1 John v. 18.  Oh! what stingdid I find in all these sentences?

153.  What, thought I, is there but onesin thatis unpardonable? but onesin that layeth the soul withoutthe reach of God’s mercy; and must I be guilty ofthat? must it needs be that?  Is there but onesinamong so manymillions of sins, for which thereis no forgiveness; and must I commit this?  Oh! unhappysin!  Oh! unhappy man!  These thingswould so break and confound my spirit, that I could not tell whatto do; I thought at times, they would have broke my wits; andstill, to aggravate my misery, that would run in my mind, Youknow, how, that afterwards, when he wouldhave inherited the blessing, he was rejected. Oh! no one knows the terrors of those days butmyself.

154.  After this I began to consider ofPeter’ssin, which he committed in denying hisMaster: and indeed, this came nighest to mine of any that I couldfind, for he had denied his Saviour, as I, after light and mercyreceived; yea, and that too, after warning given him.  Ialso considered, that he did it both once and twice; and that,after time to consider betwixt.  But though I put all thesecircumstances together, that, if possible I might find help, yetI considered again, that his was but a denial of hisMaster, but mine was, a selling of my Saviour. Wherefore I thought with myself, that I came nearer toJudas, than either to Davidor Peter.

155.  Here again my torment would flame out and afflictme; yea, it would grind me, as it were to powder, to consider thepreservation of God towards others, while I fell into the snare;for in my thus considering of other men’s sins, andcomparing them with mine own, I could evidently see, Godpreserved them, notwithstanding their wickedness, and would notlet them, as He had let me, become a son of perdition.

156.  But oh! how did my soul at this time prize thepreservation that God did set about His people!  Ah, howsafely did I see them walk, whom God had hedged in!  Theywere within His care, protection, and special providence: thoughthey were full as bad as I by nature; yet because He loved them,He would not suffer them to fall without the range of mercy: butas for me, I was gone, I had done it: He would not preserve me,nor keep me; but suffered me, because I was a reprobate, to fallas I had done.  Now did those blessed places that speak ofGod’s keeping His people, shine like the sun before me,though not to comfort me, yet to show me the blessed state andheritage of those whom the Lord had blessed.

157.  Now I saw, that as God had His hand in all theprovidences and dispensations that overtook His elect; so He hadHis hand in all the temptations that they had to sin against Him;not to animate them to wickedness, but to choose theirtemptations and troubles for them; and also to leave them for atime, to such sins only that might not destroy, but humble them;as might not put them beyond, but lay them in the way of therenewing His mercy.  But oh! what love, what care, whatkindness and mercy did I now see, mixing itself with the mostsevere and dreadful of all God’s ways to His people! He would let David, Hezekiah, Solomon,Peter, and others, fall; but He would not let them fallinto sin unpardonable, nor into hell for sin.  Oh! thoughtI, these be the men that God hath loved; these be the men thatGod, though He chastiseth them, keeps them in safety by Him; andthem whom He makes to abide under the shadow of theAlmighty.  But all these thoughts added sorrow, grief, andhorror to me, as whatever I now thought on, it was killing tome.  If I thought how God kept His own, that was killing tome; if I thought of how I was fallen myself, that was killing tome.  As all things wrought together for the best, and to dogood to them that were the called, according to His purpose, so Ithought that all things wrought for my damage, and for my eternaloverthrow.

158.  Then again I began to compare my sin with the sinof Judas, that, if possible, I might find if mine differedfrom that, which in truth is unpardonable: and oh! thought I, ifit should differ from it, though but the breadth of an hair, whata happy condition is my soul in!  And by considering, Ifound that Judasdid this intentionally, but mine wasagainst my prayer and strivings: besides, his was committed withmuch deliberation, but mine in a fearful hurry, on a sudden: allthis while I was tossed to and fro like the locusts, and drivenfrom trouble to sorrow; hearing always the sound ofEsau’sfall in mine ears, and the dreadfulconsequences thereof.

159.  Yet this consideration about Judas’ssin was, for awhile, some little relief to me; for I saw I hadnot, as to the circumstances, transgressed so fully as he. But this was quickly gone again, for I thought with myself, theremight be more ways than one to commit this unpardonable sin; alsoI thought there might be degrees of that, as well as of othertransgressions; wherefore, for aught I yet could perceive, thisiniquity of mine might be such, as might never be passed by.

160.  I was often now ashamed that I should be like suchan ugly man as Judas: I thought also how loathsome I should beunto all the saints at the day of judgment: insomuch that now Icould scarce see a good man, that I believed had a goodconscience, but I should feel my heart tremble at him, while Iwas in his presence.  Oh! now I saw a glory in walking withGod, and what a mercy it was to have a good conscience beforeHim.

161.  I was much about that time tempted to contentmyself by receiving some false opinion; as, that there should beno such thing as a day of judgment; that we should not riseagain; and that sin was no such grievous thing: the temptersuggesting thus: For if these things should indeed betrue, yet to believe otherwise would yield you ease forthe present.  If you must perish, nevertorment yourself so much beforehand: drive the thoughts ofdamning out of your mind, by possessing your mind withsome such conclusions thatAtheists andRanters useto help themselves withal.

162.  But oh! when such thoughts have led through myheart, how, as it were, within a step, hath death and judgmentbeen in my view! methought the judge stood at the door; I was asif it was come already; so that such things could have noentertainment.  But methinks, I see by this, that Satan willuse any means to keep the soul from Christ; he loveth not anawakened frame of spirit; security, blindness, darkness, anderror, is the very kingdom and habitation of the wicked one.

163.  I found it a hard work now to pray to God, becausedespair was swallowing me up; I thought I was as with a tempestdriven away from God; for always when I cried to God for mercy,this would come in, ’Tis too late, I am lost,God hath let me fall; not to my correction, butcondemnation: my sin is unpardonable; and Iknow, concerning Esau, how that after he had soldhis birthright, he would have received the blessing,but was rejected.  About this time I did light onthat dreadful story of that miserable mortal Francis Spira; abook that was to my troubled spirit, as salt, when rubbed into afresh wound: every sentence in that book, every groan of thatman, with all the rest of his actions in his dolours, as histears, his prayers, his gnashing of teeth, his wringing of hands,his twining and twisting, and languishing, and pining away underthat mighty hand of God that was upon him, were as knives anddaggers in my soul; especially that sentence of his was frightfulto me, Man knows the beginning of sin? but who boundsthe issues thereof?  Then would the former sentence, asthe conclusion of all, fall like an hot thunderbolt again upon myconscience; For you know how that afterwards, when hewould have inherited the blessing, he was rejected;for he found no place of repentance, though he soughtit carefully with tears.

164.  Then should I be struck into a very greattrembling, insomuch that at sometimes I could, for whole daystogether, feel my very body, as well as my mind, to shake andtotter under the sense of this dreadful judgment of God, thatshould fall on those that have sinned that most fearful andunpardonable sin.  I felt also such a clogging and heat atmy stomach, by reason of this my terror, that I was, especiallyat some times, as if my breast-bone would split asunder; then Ithought of that concerning Judas, who by falling headlong,he burst asunder in the midst, and all his bowelsgushed out.  Acts i. 18.

165.  I feared also that this was the mark that the Lorddid set on Cain, even continual fear and trembling, underthe heavy load of guilt that he had charged on him for the bloodof his brother Abel.  Thus did I wind, and twine, andshrink under the burthen that was upon me; which burthen also didso oppress me, that I could neither stand, nor go, nor lie,either at rest or quiet.

166.  Yet that saying would sometimes come into my mind,He hath received gifts for the rebellious.  Psalmlxviii. 18.  The rebellious, thought I! why surelythey are such as once were under subjection to their Prince; eventhose who after they have sworn subjection to His government,have taken up arms against Him; and this, thought I, is my verycondition: I once loved Him, feared Him, served Him; but now I ama rebel; I have sold Him, I have said, Let Him go, ifHe will; but yet He has gifts for rebels; and then why notfor me?

167.  This sometimes I thought on, and should labour totake hold thereof, that some, though small refreshment, mighthave been conceived by me; but in this also I missed of mydesire; I was driven with force beyond it; I was like a man goingto execution, even by thatplace where he would fain creepin and hide himself, but may not.

168.  Again, after I had thus considered the sins of thesaintsin particular, and found minewent beyondthem, then I began to think with myself, Set the case I shouldput all theirstogether, and mine aloneagainstthem, might I not then find some encouragement? for ifmine, though bigger than any one, yet should be but equalto all, then there is hopes; for that blood that hath virtueenough in it to wash away all theirs, had virtue enough in it todo away mine, though this one be full as big, if not bigger thanall theirs.  Here again, I should consider the sin ofDavid, of Solomon, of Manasseh, ofPeter, and the rest of the great offenders; and shouldalso labour, what I might with fairness, to aggravate andheighten their sins by several circumstances.

169.  I should think with myself that Davidshedblood to cover his adultery, and that by the sword of thechildren of Ammon; a work that could not be done, but bycontinuance, deliberate contrivance, which was a greataggravation to his sin.  But then this would turn upon me:Ah! but these were but sins against the law, from which there wasa Jesus sent to save them; but yours is a sin against theSaviour, and who shall save you from that?

170.  Then I thought on Solomon, and how he sinnedin loving strange women, falling away to their idols, in buildingthem temples, in doing this after light, in his old age, aftergreat mercy received: but the same conclusion that cut me off inthe former consideration, cut me off as to this; namely, that allthose were but sins against the law, for which God had provided aremedy; but I had sold my Saviour, and there remained nomore sacrifice for sin.

171.  I would then add to these men’s sins, thesins of Manasseh; how that he built altars for idols inthe house of the Lord; he also observed times, used enchantments,had to do with wizards, was a wizard, had his familiar spirits,burned his children in the fire in sacrifice to devils, and madethe streets of Jerusalemrun down with the blood ofinnocents.  These, thought I, are great sins, sins of abloody colour, but yet it would turn again upon me, They arenone of them of the nature of yours; you have parted withJesus, you have sold your Saviour.

172.  This one consideration would always kill my heart,my sin was point blank against my Saviour; and that too,at that height, that I had in my heart said of Him, Let Himgo, if He will.  Oh! methought this sin wasbigger than the sins of a country, of a kingdom, or of the wholeworld, noone pardonable; nor allof them together,was able to equal mine; mine out-went them every one.

173.  Now I should find my mind to flee from God, as fromthe face of a dreadful judge, yet this was my torment, I couldnot escape His hand: (It is a fearful thing to fall into thehands of the living God.  Hebrew x.)  But, blessedbe His grace, that scripture, in these flying fits, would call,as running after me, I have blotted out, as a thickcloud, thy transgressions; and as a cloud,thy sins: return unto Me, for I have redeemedthee.  Isaiah xliv. 22.  This, I say, would come inupon my mind, when I was fleeing from the face of God; for I didflee from His face; that is, my mind and spirit fled before Him;by reason of His highness, I could not endure: then would thetext cry, Return unto Me; it would cry aloud with a verygreat voice, Return unto Me, for I have redeemedthee.  Indeed, this would make me make a little stop,and, as it were, look over my shoulder behind me, to see if Icould discern that the God of grace did follow me with a pardonin His hand; but I could no sooner do that, but all would beclouded and darkened again by that sentence, For you know,how that afterwards, when he would have inherited theblessing, he found no place of repentance, thoughhe sought it carefully with tears.  Wherefore I couldnot refrain, but fled, though at some times it cried,Return, return, as if it did hollow after me: but Ifeared to close in therewith, lest it should not come from God;for that other, as I said, was still sounding in my conscience,For you know that afterwards, when he would haveinherited the blessing, he was rejected,etc.

174.  Once as I was walking to and fro in a goodman’s shop, bemoaning of myself in my sad and dolefulstate, afflicting myself with self-abhorrence for this wicked andungodly thought; lamenting also this hard hap of mine for that Ishould commit so great a sin, greatly fearing that I should notbe pardoned; praying also in my heart, that if this sin of minedid differ from that against the Holy Ghost, the Lord would showit me.  And being now ready to sink with fear, suddenlythere was, as if there had rushed in at the window, the noise ofwind upon me, but very pleasant, and as if I heard a voicespeaking, Did’st thou ever refuse to be justified by theblood of Christ? and withal, my whole life of professionpast, was in a moment opened to me, wherein I was made to see,that designedly I had not: so my heart answered groaningly,No.  Then fell, with power, that word of God upon me,See that ye refuse not Him that speaketh.  Hebrewxii. 25.  This made a strange seizure upon my spirit; itbrought light with it, and commanded a silence in my heart, ofall those tumultuous thoughts, that did before use, likemasterless hell-hounds, to roar and bellow, and make an hideousnoise within me.  It showed me also that Jesus Christ hadyet a word of grace and mercy for me, that He had not, as I hadfeared, quite forsaken and cast off my soul; yea, this was a kindof chide for my proneness to desperation; a kind of threateningof me, if I did not, notwithstanding my sins, and the heinousnessof them, venture my salvation upon the Son of God.  But asto my determining about this strange dispensation, what it was, Iknow not; or from whence it came, I know not; I have not yet intwenty years’ time been able to make a judgment of it; Ithought then what here I should be loth to speak.  Butverily that sudden rushing wind was, as if an angel had come uponme; but both it, and the salutation, I will leave until the dayof judgment: only this I say, it commanded a great calm in mysoul; it persuaded me there might be hope: it showed me, as Ithought, what the sin unpardonable was, and that my soul had yetthe blessed privilege to flee to Jesus Christ for mercy. But I say, concerning this dispensation; I know not yet what tosay unto it; which was also, in truth, the cause, that at first Idid not speak of it in the book; I do now also leave it to bethought on by men of sound judgment.  I lay not the stressof my salvation thereupon, but upon the Lord Jesus, in thepromise; yet seeing I am here unfolding of my secret things, Ithought it might not be altogether inexpedient to let this alsoshow itself, though I cannot now relate the matter as there I didexperience it.  This lasted in the savour of it for aboutthree or four days, and then I began to mistrust, and to despairagain.

175.  Wherefore still my life hung in doubt before me,not knowing which way I should tip; only this I found my souldesire, even to cast itself at the foot of grace, by prayer andsupplication.  But oh! ’twas hard for me now, to havethe face to pray to this Christ for mercy, against Whom I hadthus most vilely sinned: ’twas hard work, I say, to offerto look Him in the face, against Whom I had so vilely sinned; andindeed, I have found it as difficult to come to God by prayer,after backsliding from Him, as to do any other thing.  Oh!the shame that did now attend me! especially when I thought, I amnow a-going to pray to Him for mercy, that I had so lightlyesteemed but a while before!  I was ashamed; yea, evenconfounded, because this villany had been committed by me: but Isaw that there was but one way with me; I must go to Him, andhumble myself unto Him, and beg that He, of His wonderful mercy,would show pity to me, and have mercy upon my wretched sinfulsoul.

176.  Which, when the tempter perceived, he stronglysuggested to me, That I ought not to pray to God, forprayer was not for any in my case; neither could it do megood, because I had rejected the Mediator, by Whomall prayers came with acceptance to God the Father; andwithout Whom, no prayer could come into His presence:wherefore now to pray, is but to add sin to sin;yea, now to pray, seeing God has cast youoff, is the next way to anger and offend Him more than youever did before.

177.  For God(saith he) hath been weary of youfor these several years already, because you are none ofHis; your bawlings in His ears, hath been nopleasant voice to Him; and therefore He let you sin thissin, that you might be quite cut off; and will youpray still?  This the devil urged, and set forth that inNumbers, when Mosessaid to the children ofIsrael, That because they would not go up to possess theland, when God would have them, therefore for everafter He did bar them out from thence, though they prayedthey might with tears.  Numbers xiv. 36, 37, etc.

178.  As it is said in another place, Exodus xxi. 14,The man that sins presumptuously shall be taken fromGod’s altar, that he may die; even asJoabwas by King Solomon, when he thought to findshelter there.  1 Kings ii. 27, 28, etc.  These placesdid pinch me very sore; yet my case being desperate, I thoughtwith myself, I can but die; and if it must be so, it shall oncebe said, That such an one died at the foot of Christ inprayer.  This I did, but with great difficulty, God dothknow; and that because, together with this, still that sayingabout Esauwould be set at my heart, even like a flamingsword, to keep the way of the tree of life, lest I should takethereof and live.  Oh! who knows how hard a thing I foundit, to come to God in prayer!

179.  I did also desire the prayers of the people of Godfor me, but I feared that God would give them no heart to do it;yea I trembled in my soul to think, that some or other of themwould shortly tell me, that God hath said those words to them,that He once did say to the prophet concerning the children ofIsrael, Pray not for this people, for I have rejectedthem.  Jeremiah xi. 14.  So, Pray not forhim, for I have rejected him, yea, I thought that Hehad whispered this to some of them already, only they durst nottell me so; neither durst I ask them of it, for fear if it shouldbe so, it would make me quite beside myself: Man knows thebeginning of sin(said Spira), but who bounds the issuesthereof?

180.  About this time I took an opportunity to break mymind to an ancient Christian, and told him all my case: I toldhim also, that I was afraid that I had sinned the sin against theHoly Ghost; and he told me, He thought so too.  Heretherefore I had but cold comfort; but talking a little more withhim, I found him, though a good man, a stranger to much combatwith the devil.  Wherefore I went to God again, as well as Icould, for mercy still.

181.  Now also did the tempter begin to mock me in mymisery, saying, That seeing I had thus parted with the LordJesus, and provoked Him to displeasure, Who wouldhave stood between my soul and the flame of devouring fire,there was now but one way; and that was, to praythat God the Father would be a Mediator betwixt His Son and me;that we might be reconciled again, and that I mighthave that blessed benefit in Him, that His blessed saintsenjoyed.

182.  Then did that scripture seize upon my soul, Heis of one mind, and who can turn Him!  Oh! I saw,it was as easy to persuade Him to make a new world, a newcovenant, or a new Bible, besides that we have already, as topray for such a thing.  This was to persuade Him, that whatHe had done already was mere folly, and persuade Him to alter,yea, to disannul the whole way of salvation.  And then wouldthat saying rend my soul asunder; Neither is there salvationin any other; for there is none other name under heavengiven among men whereby we must be saved.  Acts iv.12.

183.  Now the most free, and full and gracious words ofthe gospel, were the greatest torment to me; yea, nothing soafflicted me, as the thoughts of Jesus Christ, the remembrance ofa Saviour; because I had cast Him off, brought forth the villanyof my sin, and my loss by it, to mind; nothing did twinge myconscience like this: every time that I thought of the LordJesus, of His grace, love, goodness, kindness, gentleness,meekness, death, blood, promises, and blessed exhortations,comforts, and consolations, it went to my soul like a sword; forstill unto these my considerations of the Lord Jesus, thesethoughts would make place for themselves in my heart: Aye,this is the Jesus, the loving Saviour, the Sonof God, Whom you have parted with, Whom you haveslighted, despised, and abused.  Thisis the only Saviour, the only Redeemer, the onlyOne that could so love sinners, as to wash them from theirsins in His own most precious blood; but you have no partnor lot in this Jesus: you have put Him from you;you have said in your heart, Let Him go, if He will. Now, therefore, you are severed from Him;you have severed yourself from Him: behold then Hisgoodness, but yourself to be no partaker of it. Oh! thought I, what have I lost, what have I parted with! What has disinherited my poor soul!  Oh! ’tis sad tobe destroyed by the grace and mercy of God; to have the Lamb, theSaviour, turn lion and destroyer.  Rev. vi.  I alsotrembled, as I have said, at the sight of the saints of God,especially at those that greatly loved Him, and that made ittheir business to walk continually with Him in this world; forthey did, both in their words, their carriages, and all theirexpressions of tenderness and fear to sin against their preciousSaviour, condemn, lay guilt upon, and also add continualaffliction and shame upon my soul.  The dread of them wasupon me, and I trembled at God’s Samuels. 1 Sam. xvi. 4.

184.  Now also the tempter began afresh to mock my soulanother way, saying, That Christ indeed did pity my case,and was sorry for my loss; but forasmuch as I hadsinned and transgressed as I had done, He could by nomeans help me, nor save me from what I feared: formy sin was not of the nature of theirs, for Whom He bledand died; neither was it counted with those that were laidto His charge, when He hanged on a tree:therefore, unless He should come down from heaven,and die anew for this sin, though indeed He did greatlypity me, yet I could have no benefit of Him. These things may seem ridiculous to others, even as ridiculous asthey were in themselves, but to me they were most tormentingcogitations: every one of them augmented my misery, that JesusChrist should have so much love as to pity me, when yet He couldnot help me; nor did I think that the reason why He could nothelp me, was, because His merits were weak, or His grace andsalvation spent on others already, but because His faithfulnessto His threatening, would not let Him extend His mercy tome.  Besides, I thought, as I have already hinted, that mysin was not within the bounds of that pardon, that was wrapped upin a promise; and if not, then I knew assuredly, that it was moreeasy for heaven and earth to pass away, than for me to haveeternal life.  So that the ground of all these fears of minedid arise from a steadfast belief I had of the stability of theholy word of God, and also from my being misinformed of thenature of my sin.

185.  But oh! how this would add to my affliction, toconceit that I should be guilty of such a sin, for which He didnot die.  These thoughts would so confound me, and imprisonme, and tie me up from faith, that I knew not what to do. But oh! thought I, that He would come down again!  Oh! thatthe work of man’s redemption was yet to be done by Christ!how would I pray Him and entreat Him to count and reckon this sinamong the rest for which He died!  But this scripture wouldstrike me down as dead; Christ being raised from the dead,dieth no more; death hath no more dominion overHim.  Rom. vi. 9.

186.  Thus, by the strange and unusual assaults of thetempter, my soul was like a broken vessel, driven as with thewinds, and tossed sometimes headlong into despair; sometimes uponthe covenant of works, and sometimes to wish that the newcovenant, and the conditions thereof, might so far forth, as Ithought myself concerned, be turned another way, and changed,But in all these, I was as those that jostle againstthe rocks; more broken, scattered andrent.  Oh! the un-thought-of imaginations, frights,fears, and terrors, that are affected by a thorough applicationof guilt yielding to desperation!  This is the man thathath his dwelling among the tombs with the dead; that isalways crying out, and cutting himself withstones.  Mark v. 1, 2, 3.  But, I say, all in vain;desperation will not comfort him, the old covenant will not savehim: nay, heaven and earth shall pass away, before one jot ortittle of the word and law of grace will fail or beremoved.  This I saw, this I felt, and under this I groaned;yet this advantage I got thereby, namely, a farther confirmationof the certainty of the way of salvation; and that the scriptureswere the word of God.  Oh! I cannot now express what then Isaw and felt of the steadiness of Jesus Christ, the rock ofman’s salvation: What was done, could not be undone, addedto, nor altered.  I saw, indeed, that sin might drive thesoul beyond Christ, even the sin which is unpardonable; but woeto him that was so driven, for the word would shut him out.

187.  Thus I was always sinking, whatever I did think ordo.  So one day I walked to a neighbouring town, and satedown upon a settle in the street, and fell into a very deep pauseabout the most fearful state my sin had brought me to; and afterlong musing, I lifted up I sat my head, but methought I saw, asif the sun that shineth in the heavens did grudge to give light;and as if the very stones in the street, and tiles upon thehouses, did bend themselves against me.  Methought that theyall combined together to banish me out of the world.  I wasabhorred of them, and unfit to dwell among them, or be partakerof their benefits, because I had sinned against theSaviour.  O how happy now was every creature over Iwas!  For they stood fast, and kept their station, but I wasgone and lost.

188.  Then breaking out in the bitterness of my soul, Isaid to myself with a grievous sigh, How can God comfort sucha wretch!  I had no sooner said it, but this returnedupon me, as an echo doth answer a voice: This sin is not untodeath.  At which I was, as if I had been raised out ofthe grave, and cried out again, Lord, how couldst Thoufind out such a word as this!  For I was filled withadmiration at the fitness, and at the unexpectedness of thesentence; the fitness of the word, the rightness of the timing ofit; the power, and sweetness, and light, and glory that came withit also, were marvellous to me to find: I was now, for the time,out of doubt, as to that about which I was so much in doubtbefore; my fears before were, that my sin was notpardonable, and so that I had no right to pray, to repent, etc.,or that, if I did, it would be of no advantage or profit tome.  But now, thought I, if this sinis not untodeath, then it is pardonable; therefore from this I haveencouragement to come to God by Christ for mercy, to consider thepromise of forgiveness, as that which stands with open arms toreceive me as well as others.  This therefore was a greateasement to my mind, to wit, that my sin was pardonable, that itwas not the sin unto death (1 John v. 16, 17).  None butthose that know what my trouble (by their own experience) was,can tell what relief came to my soul by this consideration: itwas a release to me from my former bonds, and a shelter from theformer storm: I seemed now to stand upon the same ground withother sinners, and to have as good right to the word and prayeras any of they.

189.  Now I say, I was in hopes that my sin was notunpardonable, but that there might be hopes for me to obtainforgiveness.  But oh! how Satan did now lay about him for tobring me down again!  But he could by no means do it,neither this day, nor the most part of the next, for this goodsentence stood like a mill-post at my back: yet towards theevening of the next day, I felt this word begin to leave me, andto withdraw its supportation from me, and so I returned to my oldfears again, but with a great deal of grudging and peevishness,for I feared the sorrow of despair; nor could my faith now longretain this word.

190.  But the next day at evening, being under manyfears, I went to seek the Lord, and as I prayed, I cried, and mysoul cried to Him in these words, with strong cries: OLord, I beseech Thee, show me that Thou hast lovedme with everlasting love.  Jer. xxxi. 3.  I had nosooner said it, but with sweetness this returned upon me, as anecho, or sounding again, I have loved thee with an everlastinglove.  Now I went to bed in quiet; also when I awakenedthe next morning, it was fresh upon my soul; and I believedit.

191.  But yet the tempter left me not; for it could notbe so little as an hundred times, that he that day did labour tothen break my peace.  Oh! the combats and conflicts that Idid then meet with; as I strove to hold by this word, that ofEsauwould fly in my face like lightning: I should besometimes up and down twenty times in an hour; yet God did bearme up, and keep my heart upon this word; from which I had also,for several days together, very much sweetness, and comfortablehopes of pardon: for thus it was made out unto me, I lovedthee whilst thou wast committing this sin, I loved theebefore, I love thee still, and I will love thee forever.

192.  Yet I saw my sin most barbarous, and a filthycrime, and could not but conclude, and that with great shame andastonishment, that I had horribly abused the holy Son of God:wherefore I felt my soul greatly to love and pity Him, and mybowels to yearn towards Him; for I saw He was still my friend,and did reward me good for evil; yea, the love and affection thatthen did burn within to my Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ, didwork at this time such a strong and hot desire of revengementupon myself for the abuse I had done unto Him, that to speak as Ithen thought, had I had a thousand gallons of blood within myveins, I could freely then have spilt it all, at the command andfeet of this my Lord and Saviour.

193.  And as I was thus in musing, and in my studies,considering how to love the Lord, and to express my love to Him,that saying came in upon me, If Thou, Lord,shouldst mark iniquities, O Lord, who shouldstand?  But there is forgiveness with Thee,that Thou mayest be feared.  Psalm cxxx. 3, 4. These were good words to me, especially the latter part thereof;to wit, that there is forgiveness with the Lord, that He might befeared; that is, as then I understood it, that He might be loved,and had in reverence; for it was thus made out to me, That thegreat God did set so high an esteem upon the love of His poorcreatures, that rather than He would go without theirlove, He would pardon their transgressions.

194.  And now was that word fulfilled on me, and I wasalso refreshed by it; That thou mayest remember and beconfounded, and never open thy mouth any more,because of thy shame, when I am pacified toward theefor all that thou hast done, saith the Lord God. Ezek. xvi. 63.  Thus was my soul at this time (and as I thendid think for ever) set at liberty from being afflicted with myformer guilt and amazement.

195.  But before many weeks were gone, I began to despondagain, fearing, lest, notwithstanding all that I had enjoyed,that I might be deceived and destroyed at the last; for thisconsideration came strong into my mind, That whatever comfortand peace I thought I might have from the word of the promise oflife, yet unless there could be found in myrefreshment, a concurrence and agreement in thescriptures, let me think what I will thereof, andhold it never so fast, I should find no such thing at theend; And the scripture cannot be broken.  John x.35.

196.  Now began my heart again to ache, and fear I mightmeet with a disappointment at last.  Wherefore I began withall seriousness to examine my former comfort, and to considerwhether one that had sinned as I had done, might with confidencetrust upon the faithfulness of God, laid down in those words, bywhich I had been comforted, and on which I had leaned myself: butnow were brought those sayings to my mind.  For it isimpossible for those who were once enlightened, and havetasted of the heavenly gift, and were made partakers ofthe Holy Ghost, and have tasted the good word of God,and the powers of the world to come, if they shall fallaway, to renew them again unto repentance.  Heb.vi. 4–6.  For, if we sin wilfully,after we have received the knowledge of the truth,there remains no more sacrifice for sin, but a certainfearful looking for of judgment, and fieryindignation, which shall devour the adversaries. Heb. x. 26, 27.  As Esau, who for one morsel ofmeat, sold his birthright.  For ye know howthat afterward, when he would have inherited theblessing, he was rejected; for he found no place ofrepentance, though he sought it carefully withtears.  Heb. xii. 16, 17.

197.  Now was the word of the gospel forced from my soul;so that no promise or encouragement was to be found in the Biblefor me: and now would that saying work upon my spirit to afflictme, Rejoice not, O Israel, for joy, asother people.  Hos. ix. 1.  For I saw indeed, therewas cause of rejoicing for those that held to Jesus; but for me,I had cut myself off by my transgressions, and left myselfneither foot-hold, or hand-hold, among all the stays and props inthe precious word of life.

198.  And truly, I did now feel myself to sink into agulph, as an house whose foundation is destroyed; I did likenmyself in this condition, unto the case of some child that wasfallen into a mill-pit, who though it could make some shift toscramble and sprawl in the water, yet because it could findneither hold for hand nor foot, therefore at last it must die inthat condition.  So soon as this fresh assault had fastenedon my soul, that scripture came into my heart, This for manydays.  Dan. x. 14.  And indeed I found it was so;for I could not be delivered, nor brought to peace again, untilwell nigh two years and a half were completely finished. Wherefore these words, though in themselves, they tended todiscouragement, yet to me, who feared this condition would beeternal, they were at some times as an help and refreshment tome.

199.  For, thought I, many daysare not for ever,many dayswill have an end; therefore seeing I was to beafflicted not a few but many days, yet I was glad it wasbut for many days.  Thus, I say, I would recallmyself sometimes, and give myself an help, for as soon as everthe words came into my mind, at first, I knew my trouble would belong, yet this would be but sometimes; for I could not alwaysthink on this, nor ever be helped by it, though I did.

200.  Now while the scriptures lay before me, and laidsin anew at my door, that saying, in Luke xviii. 1, with others,did encourage me to prayer: then the tempter laid again at mevery sore, suggesting, That neither the mercy of God,nor yet the blood of Christ, did at all concern me,nor could they help me for my sin; therefore it was butin vain to pray.  Yet, thought I, I willpray.  But, said the tempter, your sin isunpardonable.  Well, said I, I will pray. ’Tis to no boot, said he.  Yet said I, I willpray.  So I went to prayer to God; and while I was atprayer, I uttered words to this effect: Lord, Satantells me, that neither Thy mercy, norChrist’s blood, is sufficient to save my soul:Lord, shall I honour Thee most, by believingThou wilt, and canst? or him, by believingThou neither wilt not nor canst?  Lord, Iwould fain honour Thee, by believing Thou wilt andcanst.

201.  And as I was thus before the Lord, that scripturefastened on my heart (O man, great is thy faith), Matt. xv. 28,even as if one had clapped me on the back, as I was on my kneesbefore God: yet I was not able to believe this, that this was aprayer of faith, till almost six months after; for I could notthink that I had faith, or that there should be a word for me toact faith on; therefore I should still be, as sticking in thejaws of desperation, and went mourning up and down in a sadcondition.

202.  There was nothing now that I longed for more thanto be put out of doubt, as to this thing in question, and as Iwas vehemently desiring to know, if there was indeed hope for me,these words came rolling into my mind, Will the Lord cast offfor ever? and will He be favourable no more? Is His mercy clean gone for ever?  Doth Hispromise fail for evermore?  Hath God forgotten to begracious?  Hath He in anger shut up His tendermercies?  Ps. lxxvii. 7–9.  And all the whilethey run in my mind, methought I had still this as the answer,’Tis a question whether He hath or no: it may beHe hath not.  Yea, the interrogatory seemed to me tocarry in it a sure affirmation that indeed He had not, nor wouldso cast off, but would be favourable: that His promise doth notfail, and that He had not forgotten to be gracious, nor would inanger shut up tender mercy.  Something also there was uponmy heart at the same time, which I cannot now call to mind,which, with this text, did sweeten my heart, and make meconclude, that His mercy might not be quite gone, nor clean gonefor ever.

203.  At another time I remembered, I was again muchunder this question, Whether the blood of Christ wassufficient to save my soul? in which doubt I continued frommorning, till about seven or eight at night: and at last, when Iwas, as it were, quite worn out with fear, lest it should not layhold on me, these words did sound suddenly within my heart: Heis able.  But methought, this word able, wasspoke loud unto me; it showed a great word, it seemed tobe writ in great letters, and gave such a jostle to myfear and doubt (I mean for the time it tarried with me, which wasabout a day) as I never had from that, all my life, either beforeor after.  Heb. vii. 25.

204.  But one morning as I was again at prayer, andtrembling under the fear of this, That no word of God couldhelp me, that piece of a sentence darted in upon me, Mygrace is sufficient.  At this, methought I felt somestay, as if there might be hopes.  But, oh! how good a thingit is for God to send His word! for, about a fortnight before, Iwas looking on this very place, and then I thought it could notcome near my soul with comfort, therefore I threw down my book ina pet: then I thought it was not large enough for me; no, notlarge enough; but now it was as if it had arms of grace so wide,that it could not only enclose me, but many more such as Ibesides.

205.  By these words I was sustained, yet not withoutexceeding conflicts, for the space of seven or eight weeks; formy peace would be in it, and out, sometimes twenty times a day;comfort now, and trouble presently; peace now, and before I couldgo a furlong, as full of fear and guilt as ever heart couldhold.  And this was not only now and then, but my wholeseven weeks’ experience: for this about the sufficiencyof grace, and thatof Esau’sparting withhis birthright, would be like a pair of scales within my mind;sometimes one end would be uppermost, and sometimes again theother; according to which would be my peace or trouble.

206.  Therefore I did still pray to God, that He wouldcome in with this scripture more fully on my heart; to wit, thatHe would help me to apply the whole sentence, for as yet I couldnot: that He gave, that I gathered; but farther I could not go,for as yet it only helped me to hope there might be mercy for me;My grace is sufficient: And though it came no farther, itanswered my former question, to wit, That there was hope; yetbecause for theewas left out, I was not contented, butprayed to God for that also.  Wherefore, one day, when I wasin a meeting of God’s people, full of sadness and terror;for my fears again were strong upon me; and, as I was nowthinking, my soul was never the better, but my case most sad andfearful, these words did with great power suddenly break in uponme; My grace is sufficient for thee, My grace issufficient for thee, My grace is sufficient for thee,three times together: And oh! methought that every word was amighty word unto me; as My, and grace, andsufficient, and for thee; they were then, andsometimes are still, far bigger than others be.

207.  At which time my understanding was so enlightened,that I was as though I had seen the Lord Jesus look down fromheaven, through the tiles upon me, and direct these words untome.  This sent me mourning home; it broke my heart, andfilled me full of joy, and laid me low as the dust; only itstayed not long with me, I mean in this glory and refreshingcomfort; yet it continued with me for several weeks, and didencourage me to hope: but as soon as that powerful operation ofit was taken from my heart, that other, about Esau,returned upon me as before: so my soul did hang as in a pair ofscales again, sometimes up, and sometimes down; now in peace, andanon again in terror.

208.  Thus I went on for many weeks, sometimes comforted,and sometimes tormented; and especially at sometimes my tormentwould be very sore, for all those scriptures forenamed in theHebrews, would be set before me, as the only sentencesthat would keep me out of heaven.  Then again I would beginto repent that ever that thought went through me; I would alsothink thus with myself: Why, how many scriptures arethere against me?  There are but three or four;And cannot God miss them, and save me for allthem?  Sometimes again I would think, Oh! ifit were not for these three or four words, now how might Ibe comforted!  And I could hardly forbear at some times,to wish them out of the book.

209.  Then methought I should see as if both Peterand Paul, and John, and all the writers, did lookwith scorn upon me, and hold me in derision; and as if they hadsaid unto me, All our words are truth, one of as muchforce as another: it is not we that have cut you of,but you have cast away yourself.  There is none ofour sentences that you must take hold upon, but these andsuch as these; it is impossible, Heb. vi.; thereremains no more sacrifice for sin, Heb. x.  And ithad been better for them not to have known the will of God,than after they had known it, to turn from the holycommandment delivered unto them, 2 Peter ii. 21.  Forthe Scriptures cannot be broken.  John x. 35.

210.  These, as the elders of the city of refuge, I saw,were to be judges both of my case and me, while I stood with theavengerof blood at my heels, trembling at their gate fordeliverance; also with a thousand fears and mistrusts, I doubtedthat they would shut me out for ever.  Joshua xx. 3. 4.

211.  Thus I was confounded, not knowing what to do, orhow to be satisfied in this question, Whether the scripturescould agree in the salvation of my soul?  I quaked atthe apostles; I knew their words were true, and that they muststand for ever.

212.  And I remember one day, as I was in divers framesof spirit, and considering that these frames were according tothe nature of several scriptures that came in upon my mind; ifthis of grace, then was I quiet; but of that of Esau, thentormented.  Lord, thought I, if both these scripturesshould meet in my heart at once, I wonder which of themwould get the better of me.  So methought I had alonging mind that they might come both together upon me; yea, Idesired of God they might.

213.  Well, about two or three days after, so they didindeed; they bolted both upon me at a time, and did work andstruggle strangely in me for a while; at last that aboutEsau’sbirthright began to wax weak, and withdraw,and vanish; and this, about the sufficiency of grace prevailedwith peace and joy.  And as I was in a muse about thisthing, that scripture came in upon me, Mercy rejoiceth againstjudgment.  James ii. 13.

214.  This was a wonderment to me; yet truly, I am apt tothink it was of God; for the word of the law and wrath, must giveplace to the word of life and grace; because, though the word ofcondemnation be glorious, yet the word of life and salvation dothfar exceed in glory.  2 Cor. iii. 8–11. Markix. 5–7.  Johnvi. 37.  Alsothat Mosesand Eliasmust both vanish, and leaveChrist and His saints alone.

215.  This scripture also did now most sweetly visit mysoul; And him that cometh to Me, I will in no wise castout.  Oh! the comfort that I had from this word, inno wise!  As who should say, By no means, fornothing whatever he hath done.  But Satan would greatlylabour to pull this promise from me, telling of me, ThatChrist did not mean me and such as I, but sinners of alower rank, that had not done as I had done.  ButI would answer him again, Satan, here is in these wordsno such exception; but him that comes, him,any him: him that cometh to Me I will in no wise castout.  And this I well remember still, that of all theslights that Satan used to take this scripture from me, yet henever did so much as put this question, But do you comearight?  And I have thought the reason was, because hethought I knew full well what coming aright was; for I saw thatto come aright, was to come as I was, a vile and ungodly sinner,and to cast myself at the feet of mercy, condemning myself forsin.  If ever Satan and I did strive for any word of God inall my life, it was for this good word of Christ; he at one end,and I at the other: Oh! what work did we make!  It was forthis in John, I say, that we did so tug and strive, hepulled, and I pulled; but God be praised, I got the better ofhim; I got some sweetness from it.

216.  But notwithstanding all these helps, and blessedwords of grace, yet that of Esau’sselling of hisbirthright, would still at times distress my conscience: forthough I had been most sweetly comforted, and that but justbefore, yet when that came into my mind, ’twould make mefear again: I could not be quite rid thereof, ’twould everyday be with me: wherefore now I went another way to work, even toconsider the nature of this blasphemous thought, I mean, if Ishould take the words at the largest, and give them their ownnatural force and scope, even every word therein: so when I hadthus considered, I found, that if they were fairly taken, theywould amount to this; That I had freely left the Lord JesusChrist to His choice, whether He would be my Saviour orno; for the wicked words were these, Let Him go, ifHe will.  Then that scripture gave me hope, I willnever leave thee, nor forsake thee.  Heb. xiii.5.  ‘O Lord,’ said I, but I have leftThee.  Then it answered again, But I will not leavethee.  For this I thanked God also.

217.  Yet I was grievous afraid He should, and found itexceeding hard to trust Him, seeing I had so offended Him: Icould have been exceeding glad that this thought had neverbefallen; for then I thought I could with more ease and freedomin abundance, have leaned on His grace.  I saw it was withme, as it was with Joseph’sbrethren; the guilt oftheir own wickedness did often fill them with fears that theirbrother would at last despise them.  Gen. l. 15, 16,etc.

218.  Yet above all the scriptures that I yet did meetwith that in Joshuaxx. was the greatest comfort to me,which speaks of the slayer that was to flee for refuge: And ifthe avenger of blood pursue the slayer, then saithMoses, they that are the elders of the city of refugeshall not deliver him into his hands, because he smote hisneighbour unwittingly and hated him not aforetime.  Oh!blessed be God for this word: I was convinced that I was theslayer; and that the avenger of blood pursued me, I felt withgreat terror; only now it remained that I inquire whether I haveright to enter the city of refuge: so I found, that he must not,who lay in wait to shed blood: It was not the wilfulmurderer, but he who unwittinglydid it, he who didit unawares; not out of spite, or grudge, or malice, he that shedit unwittingly: even he who did not hate his neighbourbefore.  Wherefore,

219.  I thought verily I was the man that must enter,because I had smitten my neighbour unwittingly, andhated Him not aforetime.  I hated Him not aforetime; no,I prayed unto Him, was tender of sinning against Him; yea, andagainst this wicked temptation I had strove for a twelvemonthbefore; yea, and also when it did pass through my heart, it didin spite of my teeth: wherefore I thought I had a right to enterthis city, and the elders, which are the apostles, werenot to deliver me up.  This therefore was great comfort tome, and gave me much ground of hope.

220.  Yet being very critical, for my smart had made methat I knew not what ground was sure enough to bear me, I had onequestion that my soul did much desire to be resolved about; andthat was, Whether it be possible for any soul that hath sinnedthe unpardonable sin, yet after that to receive,though but the least, true spiritual comfort from Godthough Christ?  The which after I had much considered, Ifound the answer was, No, they could not; and that for thesereasons:—

221.  First, Because those that have sinned thatsin, they are debarred a share in the blood of Christ; and beingshut out of that, they must needs be void of the least ground ofhope, and so of spiritual comfort; For to such there remainsno more sacrifice for sin.  Heb. x. 26, 27. Secondly, Because they are denied a share in the promiseof life: It shall never be forgiven him neither in thisworld, neither in the world to come.  Matt. xii.32.  Thirdly, The Son of God excludes them also froma share in His blessed intercession, being for ever ashamed toown them, both before His holy Father, and the blessed angels inheaven.  Mark viii.

222.  When I had with much deliberation considered ofthis matter, and could not but conclude that the Lord hadcomforted me, and that too after this my wicked sin: thenmethought I durst venture to come nigh unto those most fearfuland terrible scriptures, with which all this while I had been sogreatly affrighted, and on which indeed, before I durst scarcecast mine eye (yea, had much ado an hundred times, to forbearwishing them out of the Bible), for I thought they would destroyme; but now, I say, I began to take some measure ofencouragement, to come close to them to read them, and considerthem, and to weigh their scope and tendency.

223.  The which when I began to do, I found their visagechanged: for they looked not so grimly, as before I thought theydid: and first I came to the sixth of the Hebrews, yettrembling for fear it should strike me; which when I hadconsidered, I found that the falling there intended, was afalling quite away; that is as I conceived, a falling fromand absolute denying of the gospel, of remission of sins by JesusChrist; for, from them the apostle begins his argument, verses 1,2, 3, 4.  Secondly, I found that this falling away,must be openly, even in the view of the world, even so as toput Christ to an open shame.  Thirdly, I foundthose he there intended, were for ever shut up of God, both inblindness, hardness, and impenitency: It is impossible theyshould be renewed again unto repentance.  By all theseparticulars, I found to God’s everlasting praise, my sinwas not the sin in this place intended.

First, I confessed I was fallen, but not fallen away;that is, from the profession of faith in Jesus unto eternallife.

Secondly, I confessed that I had put Jesus Christ toshameby my sin, but not to open shame; I did notdeny Him before men, nor condemn Him as a fruitless One beforethe world.

Thirdly, Nor did I find that God had shut me up, ordenied me to come (though I found it hard work indeed to come) toHim by sorrow and repentance: blessed be God for unsearchablegrace!

224.  Then I considered that in the 10th chapter of theHebrews, and found that the wilful sintherementioned, is not every wilful sin, but that which doth throw offChrist, and then His commandments too.  Secondly,That must be done also openly, before two or three witnesses, toanswer that of the law, verse28.  Thirdly,This sin cannot be committed, but with great despite done to theSpirit of Grace; despising both the dissuasions from that sin,and the persuasions to the contrary.  But the Lord knows,though this my sin was devilish, yet it did not amount tothese.

225.  And as touching that in the 12th of theHebrews, about Esau’sselling of hisbirthright; though this was that which killed me, and stood likea spear against me, yet now I did consider, First, thathis was not a hasty thought against the continual labour of hismind, but a thought consented to, and put in practice likewise,and that after some deliberation, Gen. xxv. Secondly, It was a public and open action, even before hisbrother, if not before many more; this made his sin of a far moreheinous nature than otherwise it would have been. Thirdly, He continued to slight his birthright: He dideat and drink, and went his way: thus Esau despisedhis birthright, yea, twenty years after he was found todespise it still.  And Esau said, I have enough,my brother, keep that thou hast unto thyself. Gen. xxxiii. 9.

226.  Now as touching this, thatEsau sought aplace of repentance; thus I thought: First, This wasnot for the birthright, but the blessing: this isclear from the apostle, and is distinguished by Esau himself;He took away my birthright(that is, formerly); andbehold now he hath taken away my blessing.  Gen. xxvii.36.  Secondly, Now, this being thus considered, Icame again to the apostle, to see what might be the mind of God,in a New-Testament style and sense concerning Esau’ssin; and so far as I could conceive, this was the mind of God,that the birthrightsignified regeneration, and theblessing, the eternal inheritance; for so theapostle seems to hint.  Lest there be any profaneperson, asEsau, who for one morsel of meat soldhis birthright; as if he should say, That shall cast off allthose blessed beginnings of God, that at present are upon him, inorder to a new-birth; lest they become as Esau, even berejected afterwards, when they would inherit theblessing.

227.  For many there are, who, in the day of grace andmercy, despise those things which are indeed the birthright toheaven, who yet when the deciding day appears, will cry as lordas Esau, Lord, Lord, open to us; butthen, as Isaacwould not repent, no more will God theFather, but will say, I have blessed these, yea,and they shall be blessed; but as for you, Depart,you are the workers of iniquity.  Gen. xxvii. 32;Luke xiii. 25–27.

228.  When I had thus considered these scriptures, andfound that thus to understand them, was not against, butaccording to other scriptures; this still added further to myencouragement and comfort, and also gave a great blow to thatobjection, to wit, That the scriptures could not agree in thesalvation of my soul.  And now remained only the hinderpart of the tempest, for the thunder was gone beyond me, onlysome drops did still remain, that now and then would fall uponme; but because my former frights and anguish were very sore anddeep, therefore it oft befall me still, as it befalleth thosethat have been scared with fire.  I thought every voice was,Fire! fire!  Every little touch would hurt mytender conscience.

229.  But one day, as I was passing in the field, andthat too with some dashes on my conscience, fearing lest yet allwas not right, suddenly this sentence fell upon my soul, Thyrighteousness is in heaven; and methought withal, I saw withthe eyes of my soul, Jesus Christ at God’s right hand:there, I say, was my righteousness; so that wherever I was, orwhatever I was doing, God could not say of me, He wants Myrighteousness; for that was just before Him.  I also sawmoreover, that it was not my good frame of heart that made myrighteousness better, nor yet my bad frame that made myrighteousness worse; for my righteousness was Jesus ChristHimself, The same yesterday, to-day, and forever.  Heb. xiii. 8.

230.  Now did my chains fall off my legs indeed; I wasloosed from my afflictions and irons; my temptations also fledaway; so that from that time those dreadful scriptures of Godleft off to trouble me: now went I also home rejoicing, for thegrace and love of God; so when I came home, I looked to see if Icould find that sentence; Thy righteousness is in heaven,but could not find such a saying; wherefore my heart began tosink again, only that was brought to my remembrance, 1 Cor. i.30, Christ Jesus, who of God is made unto uswisdom, and righteousness, and sanctification,and redemption; by this word I saw the other sentencetrue.

231.  For by this scripture I saw that the Man ChristJesus, as He is distinct from us, as touching His bodilypresence, so He is our righteousness and sanctification beforeGod.  Here therefore I lived, for some time, very sweetly atpeace with God through Christ; Oh! methought, Christ! Christ!there was nothing but Christ that was before my eyes: I was notnow (only) for looking upon this and the other benefits of Christapart, as of His blood, burial, or resurrection, but consideringHim as a whole Christ! as He in whom all these, and all His othervirtues, relations, offices and operations met together, and thatHe sat on the right hand of God in heaven.

232.  ’Twas glorious to me to see His exaltation,and the worth and prevalency of all His benefits, and thatbecause now I could look from myself to Him and should reckon,that all those graces of God that now were green on me, were yetbut like those cracked groats and fourpence-halfpennies that richmen carry in their purses, when their gold is in their trunks athome: Oh! I saw my gold was in my trunk at home!  In Christmy Lord and Saviour.  Now Christ was all; all my wisdom, allmy righteousness, all my sanctification, and all myredemption.

233.  Further, the Lord did also lead me into the mysteryof union with the Son of God; that I was joined to Him, that Iwas flesh of His flesh, and bone of His bone; and now was thatword sweet to me in Eph. v. 30.  By this also was my faithin Him, as my righteousness, the more confirmed in me; for if Heand I were one, then His righteousness was mine, His merits mine,His victory also mine.  Now could I see myself in heaven andearth at once: in heaven by my Christ, by my head, by myrighteousness and life, though on earth by my body or person.

234.  Now I saw Christ Jesus was looked upon of God; andshould also be looked upon by us, as that common or publicperson, in whom all the whole body of His elect are always to beconsidered and reckoned; that we fulfilled the law by Him, diedby Him, rose from the dead by Him, got the victory over sin,death, the devil, and hell, by Him; when He died, we died, and soof His resurrection.  Thy dead men shall live,together with My dead body shall they arise, saithHe.  Isa. xxvi. 19.  And again, after two days Hewill revive us, and the third day He will raise us up,and we shall live in His sight.  Hosea vi. 2. Which is now fulfilled by the sitting down of the Son of Man onthe right hand of the Majesty in the heavens; according to thatto the Ephesians, And hath raised us up together,and made us sit together in heavenly places in ChristJesus.  Eph. ii. 6.

235.  Ah! these blessed considerations and scriptures,with many others of like nature, were in those days made tospangle in mine eyes; so that I have cause to say, Praise yethe Lord.  Praise God in His sanctuary, praiseHim in the firmament of His power; praise Him for Hismighty acts: praise Him according to His excellentgreatness.  Psalm cl. 1, 2.

236.  Having thus in a few words given you a taste of thesorrow and affliction that my soul went under, by the guilt andterror that this my wicked thought did lay me under; and havinggiven you also a touch of my deliverance therefrom, and of thesweet and blessed comfort that I met with afterwards, whichcomfort dwelt about a twelvemonth with my heart, to myunspeakable admiration: I will now (God willing), before Iproceed any farther, give you in a word or two, what, as Iconceive, was the cause of this temptation; and also after that,what advantage, at the last, it became unto my soul.

237.  For the causes, I conceived they were principallytwo: of which two also I was deeply convinced all the time thistrouble lay upon me.  The first was, for that I did not,when I was delivered from the temptation that went before, stillpray to God to to keep me from the temptations that were to come;for though, as I can say in truth, my soul was much in prayerbefore this trial seized me, yet then I prayed only, or at themost principally, for the removal of present troubles, and forfresh discoveries of His love in Christ, which I saw afterwardswas not enough to do; I also should have prayed that the greatGod would keep me from the evil that was to come.

238.  Of this I was made deeply sensible by the prayer ofholy David, who when he was under present mercy, yetprayed that God would hold him back from sin and temptation tocome; Then, saith he, shall I be upright, and Ishall be innocent from the great transgression.  Psalmxix. 13.  By this very word was I galled and condemned quitethrough this long temptation.

239.  That was also another word that did much condemn mefor my folly, in the neglect of this duty.  Heb. iv. 16:Let us therefore come boldly unto the throne of grace,that we may obtain mercy, and find grace to help intime of need.  This I had not done, and therefore wasthus suffered to sin and fall, according to what is written,Pray that ye enter not into temptation.  And trulythis very thing is to this day of such weight and awe upon me,that I dare not, when I come before the Lord, go of my knees,until I intreat Him for help and mercy against the temptationsthat are to come; and I do beseech thee, reader, that thou learnto beware of my negligence, by the afflictions, that for thisthing I did for days, and months, and years, with sorrowundergo.

240.  Another cause of this temptation was, that I hadtempted God; and on this manner did I do it: Upon a time my wifewas great with child, and before her full time was come, herpangs, as of a woman in travail, were fierce and strong upon her,even as if she would have fallen immediately in labour, and beendelivered of an untimely birth: now at this very time it was,that I had been so strongly tempted to question the being of God;wherefore, as my wife lay crying by me, I said, but with allsecrecy imaginable, even thinking in my heart, Lord, ifThou wilt now remove this sad affliction from my wife, andcause that she be troubled no more therewith this night(andnow were her pangs just upon her), then I shall know that Thoucanst discern the most secret thoughts of the heart.

241.  I had no sooner said it in my heart, but her pangswere taken from her, and she was cast into a deep sleep, and socontinued till morning; at this I greatly marvelled, not knowingwhat to think; but after I had been awake a good while, and heardher cry no more, I fell asleep also; so when I awaked in themorning, it came upon me again, even what I had said in my heartthe last night, and how the Lord had showed me, that He knew mysecret thoughts, which was a great astonishment unto me forseveral weeks after.

242.  Well, about a year and a half afterwards, thatwicked sinful thought, of which I have spoken before, wentthrough my wicked heart, even this thought, Let Christ go,if He will: so when I was fallen under the guilt for this,the remembrance of my other thought, and of the effect thereof,would also come upon me with this retort, which also carriedrebuke along with it, Now you may see that God doth know themost secret thoughts of the heart.

243.  And with this, that of the passages that werebetwixt the Lord, and His servant Gideon, fell upon myspirit; how because that Gideontempted God with hisfleece, both wet and dry, when he should have believed andventured upon His word; therefore the Lord did afterwards so tryhim, as to send him against an innumerable company of enemies,and that too, as to outward appearance, without any strength orhelp.  Judges vi. 7.  Thus He served me, and thatjustly, for I should have believed His word, and not have put anifupon the all-seeingness of God.

244.  And now to show you something of the advantagesthat I also have gained by this temptation: and first, by this Iwas made continually to possess in my soul a very wonderful senseboth of the blessing and glory of God, and of His beloved Son; inthe temptation that went before, my soul was perplexed withunbelief, blasphemy, hardness of heart, questions about the beingof God, Christ, the truth of the word, and certainty of the worldto come: I say, then I was greatly assaulted and tormented withatheism, but now the case was otherwise; now was God and Christcontinually before my face, though not in a way of comfort, butin a way of exceeding dread and terror.  The glory of theholiness of God, did at this time break me to pieces; and thebowels and compassion of Christ did break me as on the wheel; forI could not consider Him but as a lost and rejected Christ, theremembrance of which, was as the continual breaking of mybones.

245.  The scriptures also were wonderful things unto me;I saw that the truth and verity of them were the keys of thekingdom of heaven; thosethat the scriptures favour,theymust inherit bliss; but thosethat they opposeand condemn, mustperish for evermore: Oh! this word,For the scriptures cannot be broken, would rend the caulof my heart: and so would that other, Whose sins ye remit,they are remitted; but whose sins ye retain,they are retained.  Now I saw the apostles to be theelders of the city of refuge.  Joshua xx. 4.  Thosethat they were to receive in, were received to life; but thosethat they shut out, were to be slain by the avenger of blood.

246.  Oh! one sentence of the scripture did more afflictand terrify my mind, I mean those sentences that stood against me(as sometimes I thought they every one did) more, I say, than anarmy of forty thousand men that might have come against me. Woe be to him against whom the scriptures bend themselves!

247.  By this temptation I was made to see more into thenature of the promises than ever I was before; for I lying nowtrembling under the mighty hand of God, continually torn and rentby the thundering of His justice: this made me with carefulheart, and watchful eye, with great fearfulness to turn overevery leaf, and with much diligence, mixed with trembling, toconsider every sentence, together with its natural force andlatitude.

248.  By this temptation also I was greatly holden offfrom my former foolish practice of putting by the word of promisewhen saw it came into my mind; for now, though I could not suckthat comfort and sweetness from the promise, as I had done atother times; yet, like to a man sinking, I would catch at all Isaw: formerly I thought I might not meddle with the promise,unless I felt its comfort, but now ’twas no time thus todo; the avenger of blood too hardly did pursue me.

249.  Now therefore I was glad to catch at thatword which yet I feared I had no ground or right to own; and evento leap into the bosom of that promise that yet I feared did shutits heart against me.  Now also I should labour to take theword as God hath laid it down, without restraining the naturalforce of one syllable thereof: O! what did I now see in thatblessed sixth of John: And him that cometh to me, Iwill in no wise cast out.  John vi. 37.  Now Ibegan to consider with myself, that God hath a bigger mouth tospeak with, than I had a heart to conceive with; I thought alsowith myself, that He spake not His words in haste, or in anunadvised heat, but with infinite wisdom and judgment, and invery truth and faithfulness.  2 Sam. iii. 28.

250.  I should in these days, often in my greatestagonies, even flounce towards the promise (as the horses dotowards sound ground, that yet stick in the mire); concluding(though as one almost bereft of his wits through fear) on this Iwill rest and stay, and leave the fulfilling of it to the God ofheaven that made it.  Oh! many a pull hath my heart had withSatan, for that blessed sixth of John: I did not now, as at othertimes, look principally for comfort (though, O how welcome wouldit have been unto me!).  But now a word, a word to lean aweary soul upon, that it might not sink for ever! ’twasthat I hunted for.

251.  Yea, often when I have been making to the promise,I have seen as if the Lord would refuse my soul for ever; I wasoften as if I had run upon the pikes, and as if the Lord hadthrust at me, to keep me from Him, as with a flaming sword. Then I should think of Esther, who went to petition theking contrary to the law.  Esther iv. 16.  I thoughtalso of Benhadad’s servants, who went with ropes upon theirheads to their enemies for mercy.  1 Kings xx. 31,etc.  The woman of Canaan also, that would not be daunted,though called dog by Christ, Matt. xv., 22, etc., and the manthat went to borrow bread at midnight, Luke xi. 5–8, etc.,were great encouragements unto me.

252.  I never saw those heights and depths in grace, andlove, and mercy, as I saw after this temptation; great sins todraw out great grace; and where guilt is most terrible andfierce, there the mercy of God in Christ, when showed to thesoul, appears most high and mighty.  When Jobhadpassed through his captivity, he had twice as much as he hadbefore.  Job xlii. 10.  Blessed be God for JesusChrist our Lord.  Many other things I might here makeobservation of, but I would be brief, and therefore shall at thistime omit them; and do pray God that my harms may make othersfear to offend, lest they also be made to bear the iron yoke as Idid.

I had two or three times, at or about my deliverance from thistemptation, such strange apprehensions of the grace of God, thatI could hardly bear up under it: it was so out of measureamazing, when I thought it could reach me, that I do think ifthat sense of it had abode long upon me, it would have made meincapable for business.

253.  Now I shall go forward to give you a relation ofother of the Lord’s dealings with me at sundry otherseasons, and of the temptations I then did meet withal.  Ishall begin with what I met with when first I did join infellowship with the people of God in Bedford.  AfterI had propounded to the church, that my desire was to walk in theorder and ordinances of Christ with them, and was also admittedby them: while I thought of that blessed ordinance of Christ,which was His last supper with His disciples before His death,that scripture, Do this in remembrance of Me, Luke xxii.19, was made a very precious word unto me; for by it the Lord didcome down upon my conscience with the discovery of His death formy sins; and as I then felt, did as if He plunged me in thevirtue of the same.  But behold, I had not been long apartaker at that ordinance, but such fierce and sad temptationsdid attend me at all times therein, both to blaspheme theordinance, and to wish some deadly thing to those that then dideat thereof: that lest I should at any time be guilty ofconsenting to these wicked and fearful thoughts, I was forced tobend myself all the while, to pray to God to keep me from suchblasphemies: and also to cry to God to bless the bread and cup tothem, as it went from mouth to mouth.  The reason of thistemptation, I have thought since, was, because I did not withthat reverence that became me at first, approach to partakethereof.

254.  Thus I continued for three quarters of a year, andcould never have rest nor ease: but at the last the Lord came inupon my soul with that same scripture, by which my soul wasvisited before: and after that, I have been usually very well andcomfortable in the partaking of that blessed ordinance; and have,I trust, therein discerned the Lord’s body, as broken formy sins, and that His precious blood hath been shed for mytransgressions.

255.  Upon a time I was something inclining to aconsumption, wherewith about the spring I was suddenly andviolently seized, with much weakness in my outward man; insomuchthat I thought I could not live.  Now began I afresh to givemyself up to a serious examination after my state and conditionfor the future, and of my evidences for that blessed world tocome: for it hath, I bless the name of God, been my usual course,as always, so especially in the day of affliction, to endeavourto keep my interest in the life to come, clear before mineeyes.

256.  But I had no sooner began to recall to mind myformer experience of the goodness of God to my soul, but therecame flocking into my mind an innumerable company of my sins andtransgressions; amongst which these were at this time most to myaffliction; namely, my deadness, dulness, and coldness in holyduties; my wanderings of heart, of my wearisomeness in all goodthings, my want of love to God, His ways and people, with this atthe end of all, Are these the fruits ofChristianity?  Are these tokens of a blessedman?

257.  At the apprehensions of these things my sicknesswas doubled upon me; for now I was sick in my inward man, my soulwas clogged with guilt; now also was my former experience ofGod’s goodness to me, quite taken out of my mind, and hidas if they had never been, or seen: now was my soul greatlypinched between these two considerations, Live I must not,die I dare not.  Now I sunk and fell in my spirit,and was giving up all for lost; but as I was walking up and downin the house as a man in a most woeful state, that word of Godtook hold of my heart, Ye are justified freely by Hisgrace, through the redemption that is in ChristJesus.  Rom. iii. 24.  But oh! what a turn it madeupon me!

258.  Now was I as one awaked out of some troublesomesleep and dream; and listening to this heavenly sentence, I wasas if I had heard it thus expounded to me: Sinner, thouthinkest, that because thy sins and infirmities, Icannot save thy soul; but behold My Son is by me,and upon Him I look, and not on thee, and shalldeal with thee according as I am pleased with Him.  Atthis I was greatly lightened in my mind, and made to understand,that God could justify a sinner at any time; it was but Hislooking upon Christ, and imputing His benefits to us, and thework was forthwith done.

259.  And as I was thus in a muse, that scripture alsocame with great power upon my spirit, Not by works ofrighteousness that we have done, but according to Hismercy He hath saved us, etc.  2 Tim. i. 9; Tit.iii. 5.  Now was I got on high, I saw myself within the armsof grace and mercy; and though I was before afraid to think of adying hour, yet, now I cried, Let me die: Now death waslovely and beautiful in my sight, for I saw We shall neverlive indeed, till we be gone to the other world. Oh! methought this life is but a slumber, in comparison with thatabove.  At this time also I saw more in these words,Heirs of God, Rom. viii. 17, than ever I shall be able toexpress while I live in this world: Heirs of God! God Himself is the portion of the saints.  This I saw andwondered at, but cannot tell you what I saw.

260.  Again, as I was at another time very ill and weak,all that time also the tempter did beset me strongly (for I findhe is much for assaulting the soul; when it begins to approachtowards the grave, then is his opportunity), labouring to hidefrom me my former experience of God’s goodness: alsosetting before me the terrors of death, and the judgment of God,insomuch that at this time, through my fear of miscarrying forever (should I now die), I was as one dead before death came, andwas as if I had felt myself already descending into the pit;methought I said, There were no way, but to hell I must: butbehold, just as I was in the midst of those fears, these words ofthe angel’s carrying LazarusintoAbraham’sbosom darted in upon me, as who shouldsay, So it shall be with thee when thou dost leave thisworld.  This did sweetly revive my spirit, and help meto hope in God; which when I had with comfort mused on a while,that word fell with great weight upon my mind, O death,where is thy sting?  O grave, where is thyvictory?  1 Cor. xv. 55.  At this I became bothwell in body and mind at once, for my sickness did presentlyvanish, and I walked comfortably in my work for God again.

261.  At another time, though just before I was prettywell and savoury in my spirit, yet suddenly there fell upon me agreat cloud of darkness, which did so hide from me the things ofGod and Christ, that I was as if I had never seen or known themin my life: I was also so over-run in my soul with a senselessheartless frame of spirit, that I could not feel my soul to moveor stir after graceand lifeby Christ; Iwas as if my loins were broken, or as if my hands and feet hadbeen tied or bound with chains.  At this time also I feltsome weakness to seize upon my outward man, which made still theother affliction the more heavy and uncomfortable to me.

262.  After I had been in this condition some three orfour days, as I was sitting by the fire, I suddenly felt thisword to sound in my heart, I must go to Jesus.  Atthis my former darkness and atheism fled away, and the blessedthings of heaven were set in my view.  While I was on thissudden thus overtaken with surprise, Wife (said I), is there eversuch a scripture, I must go to Jesus?  She said, shecould not tell; therefore I sat musing still, to see if I couldremember such a place: I had not sat above two or three minutes,but that came bolting in upon me, And to an innumerablecompany of angels; and withal, Hebrews twelfth, about themount Sion, was set before mine eyes.  Heb. xii.22–24.

263.  Then with joy I told my wife, O! now Iknow, I know!  But that night was a good night tome, I never had but few better; I longed for the company of someof God’s people, that I might have imparted unto them whatGod had showed me.  Christ was a precious Christ to my soulthat night; I could scarce lie in my bed for joy, and peace, andtriumph, through Christ.  This great glory did not continueupon me until morning, yet the twelfth of the Author to theHebrews, Heb. xii. 22, 23, was a blessed scripture to me for manydays together after this.

p.147264.  The words are these: Ye are come to mountSion, and unto the city of the living God, theheavenly Jerusalem, and to an innumerable company ofangels, to the general assembly and church of thefirst-born, which are written in heaven; and to Godthe Judge of all, and to the spirits of just men madeperfect, and to Jesus the Mediator of the NewCovenant, and to the blood of sprinkling, thatspeaketh better things than that of Abel.  Through thisblessed sentence the Lord led me over and over, first to thisword, and then to that; and showed me wonderful glory in everyone of them.  These words also have oft since that time,been great refreshment to my spirit.  Blessed be God forhaving mercy on me.

A brief Account of the Author’s Call to the Work ofthe Ministry

265.  And now I am speaking myexperience, I will in this place thrust in a word or twoconcerning my preaching the word, and of God’s dealing withme in that particular also.  For after I had been about fiveor six years awakened, and helped myself to see both the want andworth of Jesus Christ our Lord, and also enabled to venture mysoul upon Him; some of the most able among the saints with us, Isay, the most able for judgment and holiness of life, as theyconceived, did perceive that God had counted me worth tounderstand something of His will in His holy and blessed word,and had given me utterance in some measure, to express what I sawto others, for edification; therefore they desired me, and thatwith much earnestness, that I would be willing, at sometimes totake in hand, in one of the meetings, to speak a word ofexhortation unto them.

266.  The which, though at the first it did much dash andabash my spirit, yet being still by them desired and entreated, Iconsented to their request, and did twice at two severalassemblies (but in private), though with much weakness andinfirmity, discover my gift amongst them; at which they not onlyseemed to be, but did solemnly protest, as in the sight of thegreat God, they were both affected and comforted; and gave thanksto the Father of mercies, for the grace bestowed on me.

267.  After this, sometimes, when some of them did gointo the country to teach, they would also that I should go withthem; where, though as yet, I did not nor durst not, make use ofmy gift in an open way, yet more privately, still, as I cameamongst the good people in those places, I did sometimes speak aword of admonition unto them also; the which they, as the other,received with rejoicing at the mercy of God to me-ward,professing their souls were edified thereby.

268.  Wherefore, to be brief; at last, being stilldesired by the church, after some solemn prayer to the Lord, withfasting, I was more particularly called forth, and appointed to amore ordinary and public preaching of the word, not only to andamongst them that believed, but also to offer the gospel to thosewho had not yet received the faith thereof; about which time Idid evidently find in my mind a secret pricking forward thereto;though I bless God, not for desire of vain-glory; for at thattime I was most sorely afflicted with the fiery darts of thedevil, concerning my eternal state.

269.  But yet could not be content, unless I was found inthe exercise of my gift, unto which also I was greatly animated,not only by the continual desires of the godly, but also by thatsaying of Paulto the Corinthians: I beseechyou, brethren(ye know the household ofStephanas, that it is the first fruits of Achaia,and that they have addicted themselves to the ministry of thesaints) that ye submit yourselves unto such, and toevery one that helpeth with us, and laboureth.  1Cor. xvi. 15, 16.

270.   By this text I was made to see that the HolyGhost never intended that men who have gifts and abilities,should bury them in the earth, but rather did command and stir upsuch to the exercise of their gift, and also did commend thosethat were apt and ready so to do.  They have addictedthemselves to the ministry of the saints.  Thisscripture, in these days, did continually run in my mind, toencourage me, and strengthen me in this my work for God; I havealso been encouraged from several other scriptures and examplesof the godly, both specified in the word, and other ancienthistories: Actsviii. 4 and xviii. 24, 25, etc.; 1Pet.iv. 10; Rom.xii. 6; Fox’s Actsand Mon.

271.  Wherefore, though of myself of all the saints themost unworthy; yet I, but with great fear and trembling at thesight of my own weakness, did set upon the work, and didaccording to my gift, and the proportion of my faith, preach thatblessed gospel that God had showed me in the holy word of truth:which when the country understood, they came in to hear the wordby hundreds, and that from all parts, though upon sundry anddivers accounts.

272.  And I thank God, He gave unto me some measure ofbowels and pity for their souls, which also did put me forward tolabour, with great diligence and earnestness, to find out such aword as might, if God would bless, lay hold of, and awaken theconscience; in which also the good Lord had respect to the desireof His servant; for I had not preached long, before some began tobe touched, and be greatly afflicted in their minds at theapprehension of the greatness of their sin, and of their need ofJesus Christ.

273.  But I first could not believe that God should speakby me to the heart of any man, still counting myself unworthy;yet those who thus were touched, would love me and have aparticular respect for me; and though I did put it from me, thatthey should be awakened by me, still they would confess it, andaffirm it before the saints of God: they would also bless God forme (unworthy wretch that I am!) and count me God’sinstrument that showed to them the way of salvation.

274.  Wherefore seeing them in both their words and deedsto be so constant, and also in their hearts so earnestly pressingafter the knowledge of Jesus Christ, rejoicing that ever God didsend me where they were; then I began to conclude it might be so,that God had owned in His work such a foolish one as I; and thencame that word of God to my heart, with much sweet refreshment,The blessing of him that was ready to perish, is comeupon me; and I caused the widow’s heart to sing forjoy.  Job xxix. 13.

275.  At this therefore I rejoiced; yea, the tears ofthose whom God did awaken by my preaching, would be both solaceand encouragement to me: for I thought on those sayings, Whois He then that maketh me glad, but the same which is madesorry by Me?  2 Cor. ii. 2.  And again, If I benot an Apostle to others, yet doubtless, I am untoyou: for the seal of mine apostleship are ye in theLord.  1 Cor. ix. 2.  These things, therefore, wereas another argument unto me, that God had called me to, and stoodby me in this work.

276.  In my preaching of the word, I took special noticeof this one thing, namely, that the Lord did lead me to beginwhere His word begins with sinners; that is, to condemn allflesh, and to open and allege, that the curse of God by the law,doth belong to, and lay hold on all men as they come into theworld, because of sin.  Now this part of my work I fulfilledwith great sense; for the terrors of the law, and guilt for mytransgressions, lay heavy on my conscience: I preached what Ifelt, what I smartingly did feel; even that under which my poorsoul did groan and tremble to astonishment.

277.  Indeed, I have been as one sent to them from thedead; I went myself in chains, to preach to them in chains; andcarried that fire in my own conscience, that I persuaded them tobe aware of.  I can truly say, and that without dissembling,that when I have been to preach, I have gone full of guilt andterror, even to the pulpit door, and there it hath been takenoff, and I have been at liberty in my mind until I have done mywork; and then immediately, even before I could get down thepulpit stairs, I have been as bad as I was before; yet Godcarried me on, but surely with a strong hand, for neither guiltnor hell could take me off my work.

278.  Thus I went on for the space of two years, cryingout against men’s sins, and their fearful state because ofthem.  After which, the Lord came in upon my own soul, withsome staid peace and comfort through Christ; for He did give memany sweet discoveries of His blessed grace through Him;wherefore now I altered in my preaching (for still I preachedwhat I saw and felt); now therefore I did much labour to holdforth Jesus Christ in all His offices, relations, and benefitsunto the world; and did strive also to discover, to condemn, andremove those false supports and props on which the world dothboth lean, and by them fall and perish.  On these thingsalso I staid as long as on the other.

279.  After this, God led me into something of themystery of the union of Christ; wherefore that I discovered andshowed to them also.  And, when I had travelled throughthese three chief points of the word of God, about the space offive years or more, I was caught in my present practice, and castinto prison, where I have lain above as long again to confirm thetruth by way of suffering, as I was before in testifying of itaccording to the scriptures, in a way of preaching.

280.  When I have been in preaching, I thank God my hearthath often all the time of this and the other exercise, withgreat earnestness cried to God that He would make the wordeffectual to the salvation of the soul; still being grieved lestthe enemy should take the word away from the conscience, and soit should become unfruitful: wherefore I should labour to speakthe word, as that thereby, if it were possible, the sin andperson guilty might be particularized by it.

281.  And when I have done the exercise, it hath gone tomy heart, to think the word should now fall as rain on stonyplaces; still wishing from my heart, Oh! that they who have heardme speak this day, did but see as I do, what sin, death, hell,and the curse of God is; and also what the grace, and love, andmercy of God is, through Christ, to men in such a case as theyare, who are yet estranged from Him.  And indeed, I didoften say in my heart before the Lord, That if to be hanged uppresently before their eyes, would be a means to awakenthem, and confirm them in the truth, I gladlyshould be contented.

282.  For I have been in my preaching, especially when Ihave been engaged in the doctrine of life by Christ, withoutworks, as if an angel of God had stood by at my back to encourageme: Oh! it hath been with such power and heavenly evidence uponmy own soul, while I have been labouring to unfold it, todemonstrate it, and to fasten it upon the conscience of others;that I could not be contented with saying, I believe,and am sure; methought I was more than sure (if it belawful to express myself) that those things which then Iasserted, were true.

283.  When I first went to preach the word abroad, thedoctors and priests of the country did open wide againstme.  But I was persuaded of this, not to render railing forrailing; but to see how many of their carnal professors I couldconvince of their miserable state by the law, and of the want andworth of Christ: for, thought I, This shall answer for me intime to come, when they shall be for my hire before theirface.  Gen. xxx. 33.

284.  I never cared to meddle with things that werecontroverted, and in dispute among the saints, especially thingsof the lowest nature; yet it pleased me much to contend withgreat earnestness for the word of faith, and the remission ofsins by the death and sufferings of Jesus: but I say, as to otherthings, I should let them alone, because I saw they engenderedstrife; and because that they neither in doing, nor in leavingundone, did commend us to God to be His: besides, I saw my workbefore me did run into another channel, even to carry anawakening word; to that therefore did I stick and adhere.

285.  I never endeavoured to, nor durst make use of othermen’s lines, Rom. xv. 18 (though I condemn not all thatdo), for I verily thought, and found by experience, that what wastaught me by the word and Spirit of Christ, could be spoken,maintained, and stood to, by the soundest and best establishedconscience; and though I will not now speak all that I know inthis matter, yet my experience hath more interest in that text ofscripture, Gal. i. 11, 12, than many amongst men are aware.

286.  If any of those who were awakened by my ministry,did after that fall back (as sometimes too many did), I can trulysay, their loss hath been more to me, than if one of my ownchildren, begotten of my own body, had been going to its grave: Ithink verily, I may speak it without any offence to the Lord,nothing has gone so near me as that; unless it was the fear ofthe loss of the salvation of my own soul.  I have counted asif I had goodly buildings and lordships in those places where mychildren were born; my heart hath been so wrapped up in the gloryof this excellent work, that I counted myself more blessed andhonoured of God by this, than if He had made me the emperor ofthe Christian world, or the lord of all the glory of the earthwithout it!  Oh these words!  He which converteththe sinner from the error of his way, shall save a soulfrom death.  James v. 20.  The fruit of therighteous is a tree of life; and he that winneth souls iswise.  Prov. xi. 30.  They that be wise shallshine as the brightness of the firmament, and they thatturn many to righteousness, as the stars for ever andever.  Dan. xii. 3.  For what is our hope,or joy, or crown of rejoicing?  Are noteven ye in the presence of our Lord Jesus Christ at Hiscoming?  For ye are our glory and joy.  1Thes. ii. 19, 20.  These, I say, with many others of a likenature, have been great refreshments to me.

287.  I have observed, that where I have had a work to dofor God, I have had first, as it were, the going of God upon myspirit, to desire I might preach there: I have also observed,that such and such souls in particular, have been strongly setupon my heart, and I stirred up to wish for their salvation; andthat these very souls have, after this, been given in as thefruits of my ministry.  I have observed, that a word castin, by-the-bye, hath done more execution in a sermon, than allthat was spoken besides: sometimes also, when I have thought Idid no good, then I did the most of all; and at other times, whenI thought I should catch them, I have fished for nothing.

288.  I have also observed, that where there has been awork to do upon sinners, there the devil hath begun to roar inthe hearts and by the mouths of his servants: yea, oftentimes,when the wicked world hath raged most, there hath been soulsawakened by the word: I could instance particulars, but Iforbear.

289.  My great desire in my fulfilling my ministry was toget into the darkest places of the country, even amongst thosepeople that were farthest off of profession; yet not because Icould not endure the light (for I feared not to show my gospel toany) but because I found my spirit did lean most after awakeningand converting work, and the word that I carried did lean itselfmost that way also; Yea, so have I strived to preachthe gospel, not where Christ was named, lest Ishould build upon another man’s foundation.  Rom.xv. 20.

290.  In my preaching I have really been in pain, andhave, as it were, travailed to bring forth children to God;neither could I be satisfied unless some fruits did appear in mywork.  If I were fruitless, it mattered not who commandedme: but if I were fruitful, I cared not who did condemn.  Ihave thought of that: Lo! children are an heritage ofthe Lord; and the fruit of the womb is Hisreward.—As arrows are in the hand of a mightyman, so are children of the youth.  Happy isthe man that hath his quiver full of them: they shall notbe ashamed, but they shall speak with the enemies in thegate.  Psalm cxxvii. 3–5.

291.  It pleased me nothing to see people drink inopinions, if they seemed ignorant of Jesus Christ, and the worthof their own salvation, sound conviction for sin, especially forunbelief, and a heart set on fire to be saved by Christ, withstrong breathings after a truly sanctified soul: that it was thatdelighted me; those were the souls I counted blessed.

292.  But in this work, as in all other, I had mytemptations attending me, and that of divers kinds; as sometimesI should be assaulted with great discouragement therein, fearingthat I should not be able to speak a word at all to edification;nay, that I should not be able to speak sense unto the people; atwhich times I should have such a strange faintness andstrengthlessness seize upon my body, that my legs have scarcebeen able to carry me to the place of exercise.

293.  Sometimes again when I have been preaching, I havebeen violently assaulted with thoughts of blasphemy, and stronglytempted to speak the words with my mouth before thecongregation.  I have also at some times, even when I havebegun to speak the word with much clearness, evidence, andliberty of speech, yet been, before the ending of thatopportunity, so blinded and so estranged from the things I havebeen speaking, and have been also so straightened in my speech,as to utterance before the people, that I have been as if I hadnot known, or remembered what I have been about; or as if my headhad been in a bag all the time of my exercise.

294.  Again, when as sometimes I have been about topreach upon some smart and searching portion of the word, I havefound the tempter suggest, What! will you preachthis!  This condemns yourself; of this yourown soul is guilty; wherefore preach not of it at all;or if you do, yet so mince it, as to make wayfor your own escape; lest instead of awakening others,you lay that guilt upon your own soul, that you willnever get from under.

295.  But I thank the Lord, I have been kept fromconsenting to these so horrid suggestions, and have rather, asSampson, bowed myself with all my might, to condemn sin andtransgression, wherever I found it; yea, though therein also Idid bring guilt upon my own conscience: Let me die(thought I), with the Philistines, Judges xvi. 29, 30,rather than deal corruptly with the blessed word of God. Thou that teachest another, teachest thou notthyself?  It is far better that thou do judge thyself,even by preaching plainly unto others, than that thou, to savethyself, imprison the truth in righteousness.  Blessed beGod for His help also in this.

296.  I have also, while found in this blessed work ofChrist, been often tempted to pride and liftings up of heart: andthough I dare not say, I have not been affected with this, yettruly the Lord of His precious mercy, hath so carried it towardsme, that for the most part I have had but small joy to give wayto such a thing: for it hath been my every day’s portion tobe let into the evil of my own heart, and still made to see sucha multitude of corruptions and infirmities therein, that it hathcaused hanging down of the head under all my gifts andattainments; I have felt this thorn in the flesh, 2 Cor. xii. 8,9, the very mercy of God to me.

297.  I have also had, together with this, some notableplace or other of the word presented before me, which word hathcontained in it some sharp and piercing sentence concerning theperishing of the soul, notwithstanding gifts and parts: as, forinstance, that hath been of great use to me: Though I speakwith the tongues of men and angels, and have notcharity, I am become as sounding brass, and atinkling cymbal.  1 Cor. xiii. 1, 2.

298.  A tinkling cymbal is an instrument of music, withwhich a skilful player can make such melodious andheart-inflaming music, that all who hear him play, can scarcelyhold from dancing; and yet behold the cymbal hath not life,neither comes the music from it, but because of the art of himthat plays therewith; so then the instrument at last may come tonought and perish, though in times past such music hath been madeupon it.

299.  Just thus I saw it was, and will be, with them whohave gifts, but want saving grace; they are in the hand ofChrist, as the cymbal in the hand of David: and asDavidcould with the cymbal make that mirth in the serviceof God, as to elevate the hearts of the worshippers, so Christcan use these gifted men, as with them to affect the souls of Hispeople in His church; yet when He hath done all, hang them by, aslifeless, though sounding cymbals.

300.  This consideration therefore, together with someothers, were for the most part, as a maul on the head of pride,and desire of vain-glory.  What, thought I, shall I be proudbecause I am a sounding brass?  Is it so much to be afiddle? hath not the least creature that hath life, more of Godin it than these?  Besides, I knew ’twas love shouldnever die, but these must cease and vanish: so I concluded, alittle grace, a little love, a little of the true fear of God, isbetter than all the gifts: yea, and I am fully convinced of it,that it is possible for souls that can scarce give a man ananswer, but with great confusion as to method; I say, it ispossible for them to have a thousand times more grace, and so tobe more in the love and favour of the Lord, than some who by thevirtue of the gift of knowledge, can deliver themselves likeangels.

301.  Thus therefore I came to perceive that, thoughgifts in themselves were good, to the thing for which they aredesigned, to wit, the edification of others; yet empty, andwithout power to save the soul of him that hath them, if they bealone: neither are they, as so, any sign of a man’sstate to be happy, being only a dispensation of God to some, ofwhose improvement, or non-improvement, they must when a littlelove more is over, give an account to Him that is ready to judgethe quick and the dead.

302.  This showed me too, that gifts being alone, weredangerous, not in themselves, but because of those evils thatattend them that have them, to wit, pride, desire of vain glory,self-conceit, etc., all which were easily blown up at theapplause and commendation of every unadvised Christian, to theendangering of a poor creature to fall into the condemnation ofthe devil.

303.  I saw therefore that he that hath gifts, had needbe let into a sight of the nature of them, to wit, that they comeshort of making of him to be in a truly saved condition, lest herest in them, and so fall short of the grace of God.

304.  He hath cause also to walk humbly with God and belittle in his own eyes, and to remember withal, that his giftsare not his own, but the churches; and that by them he is made aservant to the church; and he must also give at last an accountof his stewardship unto the Lord Jesus, and to give a goodaccount will be a blessed thing.

305.  Let all men therefore prize a little with the fearof the Lord (gifts indeed are desirable), but yet great grace andsmall gifts are better than great gifts and no grace.  Itdoth not say, the Lord gives gifts and glory, but the Lord givesgrace and glory; and blessed is such an one, to whom the Lordgives grace, true grace; for that is a certain forerunner ofglory.

306.  But when Satan perceived that his thus tempting andassaulting of me, would not answer his design; to wit, tooverthrow the ministry, and make it ineffectual, as to the endsthereof: then he tried another way, which was, to stir up theminds of the ignorant and malicious to load me with slanders andreproaches: now therefore I may say, that what the devil coulddevise, and his instruments invent, was whirled up and down thecountry against me, thinking, as I said, that by that means theyshould make my ministry to be abandoned.

307.  It began therefore to be rumoured up and down amongthe people, that I was a witch, a Jesuit, a highwayman, and thelike.

308.  To all which, I shall only say, God knows that I aminnocent.  But as for mine accusers, let them providethemselves to meet me before the tribunal of the Son of God,there to answer for all these things (with all the rest of theiriniquities) unless God shall give them repentance for them, forthe which I pray with all my heart.

309.  But that which was reported with the boldestconfidence, was, that I had my misses, my whores,my bastards; yea, two wivesat once, and thelike.   Now these slanders (with the others) I gloryin, because but slanders, foolish or knavish lies, and falsehoodscast upon me by the devil and his seed; and, should I not bedealt with thus wickedly by the world, I should want one sign ofa saint, and a child of God.  Blessed are ye(saidthe Lord Jesus) when men shall revile you and persecuteyou, and shall say all manner of evil against you falselyfor My sake; rejoice and be exceeding glad, forgreat is your reward in heaven, for so persecuted they theprophets which were before you.  Matt. iv. 11.

310.  These things therefore, upon mine own account,trouble me not; no, though they were twenty times more than theyare.  I have a good conscience, and whereas they speak evilof me, as an evil-doer, they shall be ashamed that falsely accusemy good conversation in Christ.

311.  So then, what shall I say to those who have thusbespattered me?  Shall I threaten them?  Shall I chidethem?  Shall I flatter them?  Shall I entreat them tohold their tongues?  No, not I.  Were it not for thatthese things make them ripe for damnation, that are the authorsand abettors, I would say unto them, Report it, because’twill increase my glory.

312.  Therefore I bind these lies and slanders to me asan ornament; it belongs to my Christian profession to bevilified, slandered, reproached and reviled; and since all thisis nothing else, as my God and my conscience do bear me witness,I rejoice in reproaches for Christ’s sake.

313.  I also call all these fools or knaves, that havethus made it any thing of their business to affirm any of thethings afore-named of me; namely, That I have been naught withother women, or the like.  When they have used the utmost oftheir endeavours, and made the fullest inquiry that they can, toprove against me truly, that there is any woman in heaven, orearth, or hell, that can say, I have at any time, in any place,by day or night, so much as attempted to be naught with them; andspeak I thus to beg my enemies into a good esteem of me? No, not I: I will in this beg belief of no man: believe ordisbelieve me in this, all is a-case to me.

314.  My foes have missed their mark in this shooting atme: I am not the man: I wish that they themselves beguiltless.  If all the fornicators and adulterers inEnglandwere hanged up by the neck till they be dead,John Bunyan, the object of their envy, would be stillalive and well.  I know not whether there be such a thing asa woman breathing under the copes of the whole heaven, but bytheir apparel, their children, or by common fame, except mywife.

315.  And in this I admire the wisdom of God, that Hemade me shy of women from my first conversion until now. Those shy of women know, and can also bear me witness, with whomI have been most intimately concerned, that it is a rare thing tosee me carry it pleasant towards a woman: the common salutationof women I abhor; ’tis odious to me in whomsoever I seeit.  Their company alone, I cannot away with; I seldom somuch as touch a woman’s hand; for I think these things arenot so becoming me.  When I have seen good men salute thosewomen that they have visited, or that have visited them, I haveat times made my objection against it; and when they haveanswered, that it was but a piece of civility, I have told them,it is not a comely sight.  Some indeed have urged the holykiss; but then I have asked why they made baulks? why they didsalute the most handsome, and let the ill-favoured go? Thus, how laudable soever such things have been in the eyes ofothers, they have been unseemly in my sight.

316.  And now for a wind-up in this matter, I calling notonly men, but angels, to prove me guilty of having carnally to dowith any woman save my wife: nor am I afraid to do it a secondtime; knowing that it cannot offend the Lord in such a case, tocall God for a record upon my soul, that in these things I aminnocent.  Not that I have been thus kept, because of anygoodness in me, more than any other; but God has been merciful tome, and has kept me; to whom I pray that He will keep me still,not only p.169from this, but every evil way and work, and preserve meto His heavenly kingdom.  Amen.

317.  Now as Satan laboured by reproaches and slanders,to make me vile among my countrymen; that, if possible, mypreaching might be made of none effect; so there was addedhereto, a long and tedious imprisonment, that thereby I might befrightened from my service for Christ, and the world terrified,and made afraid to hear me preach; of which I shall in the nextplace give you a brief account.

A Brief Account of the Author’sImprisonment

318.  Having made profession of the glorious gospel ofChrist a long time, and preached the same about five years, I wasapprehended at a meeting of good people in the country (amongwhom, had they let me alone, I should have preached that day, butthey took me away from amongst them), and had me before ajustice; who, after I had offered security for my appearing atthe next sessions, yet committed me, because my sureties wouldnot consent to be bound that I should preach no more to thepeople.

319.  At the sessions after I was indicted for anupholder and maintainer of unlawful assemblies and conventicles,and for not conforming to the national worship of the church ofEngland; and after some conference there with thejustices, they taking my plain dealing with them for aconfession, as they termed it, of the indictment, didsentence me to a perpetual banishment, because I refusedto conform.  So being again delivered up to thejailer’s hands, I was had home to prison, and there havelain now complete twelve years, waiting to see what God wouldsuffer these men to do with me.

320.  In which condition I have continued with muchcontent, through grace, but have met with many turnings andgoings upon my heart, both from the Lord, Satan, and my owncorruptions; by all which (glory be to Jesus Christ) I have alsoreceived among many things, much conviction, instruction, andunderstanding, of which at large I shall not here discourse; onlygive you a hint or two, a word that may stir up the godly tobless God, and to pray for me; and also to take encouragement,should the case be their own—not to fear what man can dounto them.

321.  I never had in all my life so great an inlet intothe word of God as now: those scriptures that I saw nothing inbefore, are made in this place and state to shine upon me; JesusChrist also was never more real and apparent than now; here Ihave seen and felt Him indeed: Oh! that word, We have notpreached unto you cunningly devised fables, 2 Pet. i. 16, andthat, God raised Christ from the dead, and gave Himglory, that our faith and hope might be in God1 Pet.i. 21, were blessed words unto me in this my imprisonedcondition.

322.  These three or four scriptures also have been greatrefreshments in this condition to me: John xiv. 1–4; Johnxvi. 33; Col. iii. 3, 4; Heb. xii. 22–24.  So thatsometimes when I have been in the savour of them, I have beenable to laugh at destruction, and to fear neither the horsenor his rider.  I have had sweet sights of theforgiveness of my sins in this place, and of my being with Jesusin another world: Oh! the mount Sion, theheavenly Jerusalem, the innumerable company of angels,and God the Judge of all, and the spirits of just menmade perfect, and Jesus, have been sweet unto me inthis place: I have seen that here, that I am persuaded I shallnever, while in this world, be able to express: I have seen atruth in this scripture, Whom having not seen, yelove; in whom, though now you see Him not,yet believing, ye rejoice with joy unspeakable,and full of glory.  1 Pet. i. 8.

323.  I never knew what it was for God to stand by me atall turns, and at every offer of Satan to afflict me, etc., as Ihave found Him since I came in hither: for look how fears havepresented themselves, so have supports and encouragements; yea,when I have started, even as it were, at nothing else but myshadow, yet God, as being very tender of me, hath not suffered meto be molested, but would with one scripture or another,strengthen me against all; insomuch that I have often said,were it lawful, I could pray for greater trouble,for the greater comfort’s sake.  Eccl. vii. 14;2 Cor. i. 5.

324.  Before I came to prison, I saw what was coming, andhad especially two considerations warm upon my heart; the firstwas, how to be able to encounter death, should that be here myportion.  For the first of these, that scripture, Col. i.11, was great information to me, namely, to pray to God to bestrengthened with all might, according to His gloriouspower, unto all patience and long-suffering withjoyfulness.  I could seldom go to prayer before I wasimprisoned; but for not so little as a year together, thissentence, or sweet petition would, as it were, thrust itself intomy mind, and persuade me, that if ever I would go throughlong-suffering, I must have all patience, especially if I wouldendure it joyfully.

325.  As to the second consideration, that saying (2 Cor.i. 9) was of great use to me, But we had the sentence of deathin ourselves, that we should not trust in ourselves,but in God, which raiseth the dead.  By thisscripture I was made to see, That if ever I would suffer rightly,I must first pass a sentence of death upon every thing that canproperly be called a thing of this life, even to reckon myself,my wife, my children, my health, my enjoyments, and all as deadto me, and myself as dead to them.

326.  The second was to live upon God that is invisible,as Paul said in another place; the way not to faint is, Tolook not on the things that are seen, but at the thingsthat are not seen; for the things that are seen aretemporal, but the things that are not seen areeternal.  And thus I reasoned with myself, if I provideonly for a prison, then the whip comes at unawares; and so dothalso the pillory: Again, if I only provide for these, then I amnot fit for banishment.  Further, if I conclude thatbanishment is the worst, then if death comes, I am surprised: sothat I see, the best way to go through sufferings, is to trust inGod through Christ, as touching the world to come; and astouching this world, to count the grave my house, tomake my bed in darkness; to say to corruption, Thouart my father, and to the worm, Thou art my motherand sister: that is, to familiarize these things to me.

327.  But notwithstanding these helps, I found myself aman and compassed with infirmities; the parting with my wife andpoor children, hath often been to me in this place, as thepulling the flesh from the bones, and that not only because I amsomewhat too fond of these great mercies, but also because Ishould have often brought to my mind the many hardships,miseries, and wants that my poor family was like to meet with,should I be taken from them, especially my poor blind child, wholay nearer my heart than all besides: Oh! the thoughts of thehardship I thought my poor blind one might go under, would breakmy heart to pieces.

328.  Poor child! thought I, what sorrow art thou like tohave for thy portion in this world!  Thou must be beaten,must beg, suffer hunger, cold, nakedness, and a thousandcalamities, though I cannot now endure the wind should blow uponthee.  But yet recalling myself, thought I, I must ventureyou all with God, though it goeth to the quick to leave you: Oh!I saw in this condition I was as a man who was pulling down hishouse upon the head of his wife and children; yet, thought I, Imust do it, I must do it: and now I thought on those two milchkine that were to carry the ark of God into another country,and to leave their calves behind them.  1 Sam. vi.10–12.

329.  But that which helped me in this temptation, wasdivers considerations, of which, three in special here I willname, the first was the consideration of these two scriptures,Leave thy fatherless children, I will preserve themalive, and let thy widows trust in me: and again,The Lord said, Verily it shall be well with thyremnant, verily, I will cause the enemy to entreatthee well in the time of evil, and in time ofaffliction.  Jer. xlix. 11; xv. 11.

330.  I had also this consideration, that if I should notventure all for God, I engaged God to take care of myconcernments: but if I forsook Him and His ways, for fear of anytrouble that should come to me or mine, then I should not onlyfalsify my profession, but should count also that my concernmentswere not so sure, if left at God’s feet, whilst I stood toand for His name, as they would be if they were under my owncare, though with the denial of the way of God.  This was asmarting consideration, and as spurs unto my flesh.  Thatscripture also greatly helped it to fasten the more upon me,where Christ prays against Judas, that God would disappoint himin his selfish thoughts, which moved him to sell hisMaster.  Pray read it soberly: Psalm cix. 6–8,etc.

331.  I had also another consideration, and that was, thedread of the torments of hell, which I was sure they must partakeof that for fear of the cross, do shrink from their profession ofChrist, His words and laws before the sons of men: I thought alsoof the glory that He had prepared for those that in faith, andlove, and patience, stood to His ways before them.  Thesethings, I say, have helped me, when the thoughts of the miserythat both myself and mine, might for the sake of my profession beexposed to, hath lain pinching on my mind.

332.  When I have indeed conceited that I might bebanished for my profession, then I have thought of thatscripture: They were stoned, they were sawnasunder, were tempted, were slain with thesword, they wandered about in sheep-skins, andgoat-skins, being destitute, afflicted,tormented, of whom the world was not worthy; forall they thought they were too bad to dwell and abide amongstthem.  I have also thought of that saying, the Holy Ghostwitnesseth in every city, that bonds and afflictions abideme.  I have verily thought that mysoul andithave sometimes reasoned about the sore and sad estateof a banished and exiled condition, how they were exposed tohunger, to cold, to perils, to nakedness, to enemies, and athousand calamities; and at last, it may be, to die in a ditch,like a poor and desolate sheep.  But I thank God, hitherto Ihave not been moved by these most delicatereasonings, buthave rather, by them, more approved my heart to God.

333.  I will tell you a pretty business:—I was onceabove all the rest, in a very sad and low condition for manyweeks; at which time also, I being but a young prisoner, and notacquainted with the laws, had this lying much upon my spirits,that my imprisonment might end at the gallows for ought that Icould tell.  Now therefore Satan laid hard at me, tobeat me out of heart, by suggesting thus unto me: But howif, when you come indeed to die, you should be inthis condition; that is, as not to savour thethings of God, nor to have any evidence upon your soul fora better state hereafter? (for indeed at that time all thethings of God were hid from my soul).

334.  Wherefore, when I at first began to think of this,it was a great trouble to me; for I thought with myself, that inthe condition I now was in, I was not fit to die, neither indeeddid I think I could, if I should be called to it; besides, Ithought with myself, if I should make a scrambling shift toclamber up the ladder, yet I should either with quaking, or othersymptoms of fainting, give occasion to the enemy to reproach theway of God and His people for their timorousness.  This,therefore, lay with great trouble upon me, for methought I wasashamed to die with a pale face, and tottering knees, in such acause as this.

335.  Wherefore I prayed to God that He would comfort me,and give me strength to do and suffer me what He should call meto; yet no comfort appeared, but all continued hid: I was also atthis time, so really possessed with the thought of death, thatoft I was as if I was on a ladder with the rope about my neck;only this was some encouragement to me; I thought I might nowhave an opportunity to speak my last words to a multitude, whichI thought would come to see me die; and, thought I, if it must beso, if God will but convert one soul by my very last words, Ishall not count my life thrown away, nor lost.

336.  But yet all the things of God were kept out of mysight, and still the tempter followed me with, But whithermust you go when you die? what will become of you?where will you be found in another world? what evidencehave you for heaven and glory, and an inheritance amongthem that are sanctified?  Thus was I tossed for manyweeks, and knew not what to do; at last this consideration fellwith weight upon me, that it was for the word and way of Godthat I was in this condition, Wherefore I was engaged notto flinch an hair’s breadth from it.

337.  I thought also, that God might choose whether Hewould give me comfort now, or at the hour of death; but I mightnot therefore choose whether I would hold my profession or no: Iwas bound, but He was free; yea, ’twas my duty to stand toHis word, whether He would ever look upon me or save me at thelast: wherefore, thought I, save the point being thus, I am forgoing on, and venturing my eternal state with Christ, whether Ihave comfort here or no; if God doth not come in, thought I, Iwill leap off the ladder even blindfold into eternity,sink or swim, come heaven, come hell,Lord Jesus, if Thou wilt catch me, do; ifnot, I will venture for Thy name.

338.  I was no sooner fixed in this resolution, but theword dropped upon me, Doth Job serve God for nought? As if the accuser had said, Lord, Job is no uprightman, he serves Thee for bye-respects: hast Thou notmade an hedge about him, etc.  But put forthnow Thine hand, and touch all that he hath,and, he will curse Thee to Thy face.  How now!thought I, is this the sign of an upright soul, to desire toserve God, when all is taken from him?  p. 180Is he agodly man that will serve God for nothing, rather than giveout!  Blessed be God! then I hope I have an upright heart,for I am resolved (God giving me strength) never to deny myprofession, though I have nothing at all for my pains: and as Iwas thus considering, that scripture was set before me: Psalmxliv. 12, etc.

339.  Now was my heart full of comfort; for I hoped itwas sincere: I would not have been without this trial for much; Iam comforted every time I think of it, and I hope I shall blessGod for ever, for the teaching I have had by it.  Many moreof the dealings towards me I might relate, But these out ofthe spoils won in battle I have dedicated to maintain the houseof God.  1 Chron. xxvi. 27.

The Conclusion

1.  Of all the temptationsthat ever I met with in my life, to question the being of God,and truth of His gospel is the worst, and the worst to be borne;when this temptation comes, it takes away my girdle from me, andremoveth the foundation from under me: Oh! I have often thoughtof that word, Have your loins girt about with truth; andof that, When the foundations are destroyed, what canthe righteous do?

2.  Sometimes, when after sin committed, I have lookedfor sore chastisement from the hand of God, the very next that Ihave had from Him, hath been the discovery of His grace. Sometimes when I have been comforted, I have called myself a foolfor my so sinking under trouble.  And then again, when Ihave been cast down, I thought I was not wise, to give such wayto comfort; with such strength and weight have both these beenupon me.

3.  I have wondered much at this one thing, that thoughGod doth visit my soul with never so blessed a discovery ofHimself, yet I have found again, that such hours have attended meafterwards, that I have been in my spirit so filled withdarkness, that I could not so much as once conceive what that Godand that comfort was, with which I have been refreshed.

4.  I have sometimes seen more in a line of the Bible,than I could well tell how to stand under; and yet at anothertime, the whole Bible hath been to me as dry as a stick; orrather, My heart hath been so dead and dry unto it, that I couldnot conceive the refreshment, though I have looked it allover.

5.  Of all fears, they are best that are made by theblood of Christ; and of all joy, that is the sweetest that ismixed with mourning over Christ: Oh! it is a goodly thing to beon our knees, with Christ in our arms, before God: I hope I knowsomething of these things.

6.  I find to this day seven abominations in my heart: 1.Inclining to unbelief; 2. Suddenly to forget the love and mercythat Christ manifesteth; 3. A leaning to the works of the law; 4.Wanderings and coldness in prayer; 5. To forget to watch for thatI pray for; 6. Apt to murmur because I have no more, and yetready to abuse what I have; 7. I can do none of those thingswhich God commands me, but my corruptions will thrust inthemselves.  When I would do good, evil is present withme.

7.  These things I continually see and feel, and amafflicted and oppressed with, yet the wisdom of God doth orderthem for my good; 1. They make me abhor myself; 2. They keep mefrom trusting my heart; 3. They convince me of the insufficiencyof all inherent righteousness; 4. They show me the necessity offlying to Jesus; 5. They press me to pray unto God; 6. They showme the need I have to watch and be sober; 7. And provoke me topray unto God, through Christ, to help me, and carry me throughthis world.

p.183A Relation of my Imprisonment inthe Month of November 1660

When, by the good hand of my God, Ihad for five or six years together, without any interruption,freely preached the blessed gospel of our Lord Jesus Christ; andhad also, through His blessed grace, some encouragement by Hisblessing thereupon; the devil, that old enemy of man’ssalvation, took his opportunity to inflame the hearts of hisvassals against me, insomuch that at the last, I was laid out forby the warrant of a justice, and was taken and committed toprison.  The relation thereof is as followeth:—

Upon the 12th of this instant, November 1660, I was desired bysome of the friends in the country to come to teach atSamsell, by Harlington, inBedfordshire.  To whom I made a promise, if the Lordpermitted, to be with them on the time aforesaid.  Thejustice hearing thereof (whose name is Mr FrancisWingate), forthwith issued out his warrant to take me, andbring me before him, and in the meantime to keep a very strongwatch about the house where the meeting should be kept, as if wethat were to meet together in that place did intend to do somefearful business, to the destruction of the country; when alas!the constable, when he came in, found us only with our Bibles inour hands, ready to speak and hear the word of God; for we werejust about to begin our exercise.  Nay, we had begun inprayer for the blessing of God upon our opportunity, intending tohave preached the word of the Lord unto them there present: [184] but the constable coming in preventedus.  So I was taken and forced to depart the room.  Buthad I been minded to have played the coward, I could have escapedand kept out of his hands.  For when I was come to myfriend’s house, there was whispering that that day I shouldbe taken, for there was a warrant out to take me; which when myfriend heard, he being somewhat timorous, questioned whether wehad best have our meeting or not; and whether it might not bebetter for me to depart, lest they should take me and have mebefore the justice, and after that send me to prison (for he knewbetter than I what spirit they were of, living by them): to whomI said, No, by no means, I will not stir, neither will I have themeeting dismissed for this.  Come, be of good cheer; let usnot be daunted; our cause is good, we need not be ashamed of it;to preach God’s Word, is so good a work, that we shall bewell rewarded, if we suffer for that; or to thispurpose—(But as for my friend, I think he was more afraidof me, than of himself.)  After this I walked into theclose, where I somewhat seriously considering the matter, thiscame into my mind, That I had showed myself hearty and courageousin my preaching, and had, blessed be grace, made it my businessto encourage others; therefore thought I, if I should now run,and make an escape, it will be of a very ill savour in thecountry.  For what will my weak and newly-converted brethrenthink of it, but that I was not so strong in deed as I was inword?  Also I feared that if I should run now there was awarrant out for me, I might by so doing make them afraid tostand, when great words only should be spoken to them. Besides I thought, that seeing God of His mercy should choose meto go upon the forlorn hope in this country; that is, to be thefirst, that should be opposed, for the gospel; if I should fly,it might be a discouragement to the whole body that might followafter.  And further, I thought the world thereby would takeoccasion at my cowardliness, to have blasphemed the gospel, andto have had some ground to suspect worse of me and my profession,than I deserved.  These things with others considered by me,I came in again to the house, with a full resolution to keep themeeting, and not to go away, though I could have been gone aboutan hour before the officer apprehended me; but I would not; for Iwas resolved to see the utmost of what they could say or do untome.  For blessed be the Lord, I knew of no evil that I hadsaid or done.  And so, as aforesaid, I begun themeeting.  But being prevented by the constable’scoming in with his warrant to take me, I could not proceed. But before I went away, I spake some few words of counsel andencouragement to the people, declaring to them, that they saw wewere prevented of our opportunity to speak and hear the Word ofGod, and were like to suffer for the same; desiring them thatthey would not be discouraged, for it was a mercy to suffer uponso good account.  For we might have been apprehended asthieves or murderers, or for other wickedness; but blessed be Godit was not so, but we suffer as Christians for well doing: and wehad better be the persecuted, than the persecutors, etc. But the constable and the justice’s man waiting on us,would not be at quiet till they had me away and that we departedthe house.  But because the justice was not at home thatday, there was a friend of mine engaged for me to bring me to theconstable on the morrow morning.  Otherwise the constablemust have charged a watch with me, or have secured me some otherway, my crime was so great.  So on the next morning we wentto the constable, and so to the justice. [187a]  He asked the constable what wedid, where we was met together, and what we had with us?  Itrow, he meant whether we had armour or not; but when theconstable told him that there were only met a few of us togetherto preach and hear the Word, and no sign of anything else, hecould not well tell what to say: yet because he had sent for me,he did adventure to put out a few proposals to me, which were tothis effect, namely, What I did there?  And why I did notcontent myself with following my calling? for it was against thelaw, that such as I should be admitted to do as I did.

John Bunyan.  To which I answered, That the intentof my coming thither, and to other places, was to instruct, andcounsel people to forsake their sins, and close in with Christ,lest they did miserably perish; and that I could do both thesewithout confusion (to wit), follow my calling, and preach theWord also.

At which words, he [187b] was in a chafe,as it appeared; for he said that he would break the neck of ourmeetings.

Bun.  I said, It may be so.  Then he wishedme to get sureties to be bound for me, or else he would send meto the jail.

My sureties being ready, I called them in, and when the bondfor my appearance was made, he told them, that they was bound tokeep me from preaching; and that if I did preach, their bondswould be forfeited.  To which I answered, that then I shouldbreak them; for I should not leave speaking the Word of God: evento counsel, comfort, exhort, and teach the people among whom Icame; and I thought this to be a work that had no hurt in it: butwas rather worthy of commendation, than blame.

Wingate.  Whereat he told me, that if they wouldnot be so bound, my mittimus must be made, and I sent to thejail, there to lie to the quarter sessions.

Now while my mittimus was making, the justice was withdrawn;and in comes an old enemy to the truth, Dr Lindale, who, when hewas come in, fell to taunting at me with many reviling terms.

Bun.  To whom I answered, that I did not comethither to talk with him, but with the justice.  Whereat hesupposed that I had nothing to say for myself, and triumphed asif he had got the victory; charging and condemning me formeddling with that for which I could show no warrant; and askedme, if I had taken the oaths? and if I had not, it was pity butthat I should be sent to prison, etc.

I told him, that if I was minded, I could answer to any soberquestion that he should put to me.  He then urged me again,how I could prove it lawful for me to preach, with a great dealof confidence of the victory.

But at last, because he should see that I could answer him ifI listed, I cited to him that verse in Peter, which saith,every man hath received the gift, even so let himminister the same, etc.

Lind.  Aye, saith he, to whom is that spoken?

Bun.  To whom, said I, why to every man that hathreceived a gift from God.  Mark, saith the apostle, Asevery man that hath received a gift from God, etc.; andagain, You may all prophesy one by one.  Whereat theman was a little stopt, and went a softlier pace: but not beingwilling to lose the day, he began again, and said:—

Lind.  Indeed, I do remember that I have read ofone Alexander a coppersmith, who did much oppose, and disturb theapostles;—(aiming it is like at me, because I was atinker).

Bun.  To which I answered, that I also had read ofvery many priests and pharisees, that had their hands in theblood of our Lord Jesus Christ.

Lind.  Aye, saith he, and you are one of thosescribes and pharisees: for you, with a pretence, make longprayers to devour widows’ houses.

Bun.  I answered, that if he had got no more bypreaching and praying than I had done, he would not be so rich asnow he was.  But that scripture coming into my mind,Answer not a fool according to his folly, I was as sparingof my speech as I could, without prejudice to truth.

Now by this time my mittimus was made, and I committed to theconstable, to be sent to the jail in Bedford, etc.

But as I was going, two of my brethren met with me by the way,and desired the constable to stay, supposing that they shouldprevail with the justice, through the favour of a pretendedfriend, to let me go at liberty.  So we did stay, while theywent to the justice; and after much discourse with him, it cameto this: that if I would come to him again, and say some certainwords to him, I should be released.  Which when they toldme, I said if the words was such that might be said with a goodconscience, I should or else I should not.  So through theirimportunity went back again, but not believing that I should bedelivered: for I feared their spirit was too full of oppositionto the truth to let me go, unless I should, in something orother, dishonour my God and wound my conscience.  Wherefore,as I went, I lifted up my heart to God, for light and strength tobe kept, that I might not do any thing that might eitherdishonour Him, or wrong my own soul, or be a grief ordiscouragement to any that was inclining after the Lord JesusChrist.

Well, when I came to the justice again, there was MrFosterof Bedford, who, coming out of another room, andseeing me by the light of the candle (for it was dark night whenI went thither), he said unto me, Who is there? JohnBunyan? with such seeming affection, as if he would haveleaped on my neck and kissed [191a] me, which mademe somewhat wonder, that such a man as he, with whom I had solittle acquaintance, and, besides, that had ever been a closeopposer of the ways of God, should carry himself so full of loveto me; but, afterwards, when I saw what he did, it caused me toremember those sayings, Their tongues are smoother thanoil, but their words are drawn swords.   Andagain, Beware of men, etc.  When I [191b] had answered him, that blessed beGod, I was well; he said, What is the occasion of your beinghere? or to that purpose.  To whom I answered, that I was ata meeting of people a little way off, intending to speak a wordof exhortation to them; the justice hearing thereof, said I, waspleased to send his warrant to fetch me before him, etc.

Fost.  So (said he), I understand: but well, ifyou will promise to call the people no more together, you shallhave your liberty to go home; for my brother is very loath tosend you to prison, if you will be but ruled.

Bun.  Sir (said I), pray what do you mean bycalling the people together? my business is not anything amongthem, when they are come together, but to exhort them to lookafter the salvation of their souls, that they may be saved,etc.

Fost.  Saith he, We must not enter intoexplication, or dispute now; but if you will say you will callthe people no more together, you may have your liberty; if not,you must be sent away to prison.

Bun.  Sir, said I, I shall not force or compel anyman to hear me; but yet, if I come into any place where there isa people met together, I should, according to the best of myskill and wisdom, exhort and counsel them to seek out after theLord Jesus Christ, for the salvation of their souls.

Fost.  He said, That was none of my work; I mustfollow my calling; and if I would but leave off preaching, andfollow my calling, I should have the justice’s favour, andbe acquitted presently.

Bun.  To whom I said, that I could follow mycalling, and that too, namely, preaching the Word: and I did lookupon it as my duty to do them both, as I had an opportunity.

Fost.  He said, To have any such meetings wasagainst the law; and, therefore, he would have me leave off, andsay, I would call the people no more together.

Bun.  To whom I said, that I durst not make anyfurther promise; for my conscience would not suffer me to doit.  And again, I did look upon it as my duty to do as muchgood as I could, not only in my trade, but also in communicatingto all people wheresoever I came the best knowledge I had in theWord.

Fost.  He told me that I was the nearest thePapists of any, and that he would convince me of immediately.

Bun.  I asked him, Wherein?

Fost.  He said, In that we understood theScriptures literally.

Bun.  I told him that those that were to beunderstood literally, we understood them so; but for those thatwas to be understood otherwise, we endeavoured so to understandthem.

Fost.  He said, Which of the Scriptures do youunderstand literally?

Bun.  I said this, He that believes shall besaved.  This was to be understood just as it is spoken;that whosoever believeth in Christ shall, according to the plainand simple words of the text, be saved.

Fost.  He said that I was ignorant, and did notunderstand the Scriptures; for how, said he, can you understandthem when you know not the original Greek? etc.

Bun.  To whom I said, that if that was hisopinion, that none could understand the Scriptures but those thathad the original Greek, etc., then but a very few of the poorestsort should be saved (this is harsh); yet the Scripture saith,That God hides these things from the wise and prudent(that is, from the learned of the world), and reveals them tobabes and sucklings.

Fost.  He said there were none that heard me but acompany of foolish people.

Bun.  I told him that there was the wise as wellas the foolish that do hear me; and again, those that were mostcommonly counted foolish by the world are the wisest before God;also, that God had rejected the wise, and mighty, and noble, andchosen the foolish, and the base.

Fost.  He told me that I made people neglect theircalling; and that God had commanded people to work six days, andserve Him on the seventh.

Bun.  I told him that it was the duty of people,(both rich and poor), to look out for their souls on them days aswell as for their bodies; and that God would have His peopleexhort one another daily, while it is called to-day.

Fost.  He said again that there were none but acompany of poor, simple, ignorant people that come to hearme.

Bun.  I told him that the foolish and the ignoranthad most need of teaching and information; and, therefore, itwould be profitable for me to go on in that work.

Fost.  Well, said he, to conclude, but will youpromise that you will not call the people together any more? andthen you may be released and go home.

Bun.  I told him that I durst say no more than Ihad said; for I durst not leave off that work which God hadcalled me to.

So he withdrew from me, and then came several of thejustice’s servants to me, and told me that I stood so muchupon a nicety.  Their master, they said, was willing to letme go; and if I would but say I would call the people no moretogether, I might have my liberty, etc.

Bun.  I told them there were more ways than one inwhich a man might be said to call the people together.  Asfor instance, if a man get upon the market-place, and there reada book, or the like, though he do not say to the people, Sirs,come hither and hear; yet if they come to him because he reads,he, by his very reading, may be said to call them together;because they would not have been there to hear if he had not beenthere to read.  And seeing this might be termed a callingthe people together; I durst not say, I would not call themtogether; for then, by the same argument, my preaching might besaid to call them together.

Wing. and Fost.  Then came the justice and MrFoster to me again; (we had a little more discourse aboutpreaching, but because the method of it is out of my mind, I passit); and when they saw that I was at a point, and would not bemoved nor persuaded, Mr Foster, the man that did at first expressso much love to me, told the justice that then he must send meaway to prison.  And that he would do well, also, if hewould present all those that were the cause of my coming amongthem to meetings.  Thus we parted.

And, verily, as I was going forth of the doors, I had much adoto forbear saying to them that I carried the peace of God alongwith me; but I held my peace, and, blessed be the Lord, went awayto prison, with God’s comfort in my poor soul.

After I had lain in the jail five or six days, the brethrensought means, again, to get me out by bondsmen; (for so ran mymittimus, that I should lie there till I could findsureties).  They went to a justice at Elstow, one MrCrumpton, to desire him to take bond for my appearing at thequarter sessions.  At the first he told them he would; butafterwards he made a demur at the business, and desired first tosee my mittimus, which ran to this purpose: That I went about toseveral conventicles in the county, to the great disparagement ofthe government of the church of England, etc.  When he hadseen it, he said that there might be something more against methan was expressed in my mittimus; and that he was but a youngman, therefore he durst not do it.  This my jailor told me;and, whereat I was not at all daunted but rather glad, and sawevidently that the Lord had heard me; for before I went down tothe justice, I begged of God that if I might do more good bybeing at liberty than in prison, that then I might be set atliberty; but if not, His will be done; for I was not altogetherwithout hopes but that my imprisonment might be an awakening tothe saints in the country, therefore I could not tell well whichto choose; only I, in that manner, did commit the thing toGod.  And verily, at my return, I did meet my God sweetly inthe prison again, comforting of me and satisfying of me that itwas His will and mind that I should be there.

When I came back again to prison, as I was musing at theslender answer of the justice, this word dropt in upon my heartwith some life, For He knew that for envy they had deliveredHim.

Thus have I, in short, declared the manner and occasion of mybeing in prison; where I lie waiting the good will of God, to dowith me as He pleaseth; knowing that not one hair of my head canfall to the ground without the will of my Father, which is inheaven.  Let the rage and malice of men be never so great,they can do no more, nor go any further, than God permits them;but when they have done their worst, We know all things shallwork together for good to them that love God.

Farewell.

Here is the Sum of my Examination before JusticeKeelin, JusticeChester, JusticeBlundale, JusticeBeecher, JusticeSnagg, etc.

After I had lain in prison aboveseven weeks, the quarter-sessions were to be kept in Bedford, forthe county thereof, unto which I was to be brought; and when myjailor had set me before those justices, there was a bill ofindictment preferred against me.  The extent thereof was asfolloweth: That John Bunyan, of the town of Bedford, labourer,being a person of such and such conditions, he hath (since such atime) devilishly and perniciously abstained from coming to churchto hear Divine service, and is a common upholder of severalunlawful meetings and conventicles, to the great disturbance anddistraction of the good subjects of this kingdom, contrary to thelaws of our sovereign lord the King, etc.

The Clerk.  When this was read, the clerk of thesessions said unto me, What say you to this?

Bun.  I said, that as to the first part of it, Iwas a common frequenter of the Church of God.  And was also,by grace, a member with the people, over whom Christ is theHead.

Keelin.  But, saith Justice Keelin(who wasthe judge in that court), do you come to church (you know what Imean); to the parish church, to hear Divine service?

Bun.  I answered, No, I did not.

Keel.  He asked me, Why?

Bun.  I said, Because I did not find it commandedin the Word of God.

Keel.  He said, We were commanded to pray.

Bun.  I said, But not by the CommonPrayer-Book.

Keel.  He said, How then?

Bun.  I said, With the Spirit.  As theapostle saith, I will pray with the Spirit, and withthe understanding.  1 Cor. xiv. 15.

Keel.  He said, We might pray with the Spirit, andwith the understanding, and with the Common Prayer-Book also.

Bun.  I said, that the prayers in the CommonPrayer-Book were such as was made by other men, and not by themotions of the Holy Ghost, within our hearts; and as I said, theapostle saith, he will pray with the Spirit, and with theunderstanding; not with the Spirit and the CommonPrayer-Book.

Another Justice.  What do you count prayer? Do you think it is to say a few words over before or among apeople?

Bun.  I said, No, not so; for men might have manyelegant, or excellent words, and yet not pray at all; but when aman prayeth, he doth, through a sense of those things which hewants (which sense is begotten by the Spirit), pour out his heartbefore God through Christ; though his words be not so many and soexcellent as others are.

Justices.  They said, That was true.

Bun.  I said, This might be done without theCommon Prayer-Book.

Another.  One of them said (I think it was JusticeBlundale, or Justice Snagg), How should we knowthat you do not write out your prayers first, and then read themafterwards to the people?  This he spake in a laughingway.

Bun.  I said, it is not our use, to take a pen andpaper, and write a few words thereon, and then go and read itover to a company of people.

But how should we know it, said he?

Bun.  Sir, it is none of our custom, said I.

Keel.  But said Justice Keelin, It islawful to use the Common Prayer, and such like forms: for Christtaught His disciples to pray, as John also taught hisdisciples.  And further, said he, Cannot one man teachanother to pray?  Faith comes by hearing; and one man mayconvince another of sin, and therefore prayers made by men, andread over, are good to teach, and help men to pray.

While he was speaking these words, God brought that word intomy mind, in the eighth of the Romans, at the 26th verse.  Isay, God brought it, for I thought not on it before: but as hewas speaking, it came so fresh into my mind, and was set soevidently before me, as if the scripture had said, Take me, takeme; so when he had done speaking,

Bun.  I said, Sir, the scripture saith, that itis the spirit that helpeth our infirmities; for we know notwhat we should pray for as we ought: but the Spirit itself makethintercession for us, with sighs and groanings which cannot beuttered.  Mark, said I, it doth not say the CommonPrayer-Book teacheth us how to pray, but the Spirit.  And itis the Spirit that helpeth our infirmities, saith theapostle; he doth not say it is the Common Prayer-Book.

And as to the Lord’s prayer, although it be an easything to say, Our Father, etc., with the mouth; yet thereis very few that can, in the Spirit, say the two first words inthat prayer; that is, that can call God their Father, as knowingwhat it is to be born again, and as having experience, that theyare begotten of the Spirit of God: which if they do not, all isbut babbling, etc.

Keel.  Justice Keelinsaid that that was atruth.

Bun.  And I say further, as to your saying thatone man may convince another of sin, and that faith comes byhearing, and that one man may tell another how he should pray,etc., I say men may tell each other of their sins, but it is theSpirit that must convince them.

And though it be said that faith comes by hearing: yetit is the Spirit that worketh faith in the heart through hearing,or else they are not profited by hearing.  Heb. iv.12.

And that though one man may tell another how he should pray:yet, as I said before, he cannot pray, nor make his conditionknown to God, except the Spirit help.  It is not the CommonPrayer-Book that can do this.  It is the Spirit thatshoweth us our sins, and the Spirit that showeth us aSaviour, Jn. xvi. 16, and the Spirit that stirreth up in ourhearts desires to come to God, for such things as we stand inneed of, Matt. xi. 27, even sighing out our souls unto Him forthem with groans which cannot be uttered.  With otherwords to the same purpose.  At this they were set.

Keel.  But says Justice Keelin, What haveyou against the Common Prayer-Book?

Bun.  I said, Sir, if you will hear me, I shalllay down my reasons against it.

Keel.  He said I should have liberty; but first,said he, let me give you one caution; take heed of speakingirreverently of the Common Prayer-Book; for if you do so, youwill bring great damage upon yourself.

Bun.  So I proceeded, and said, My first reasonwas, because it was not commanded in the Word of God, andtherefore I could not use it.

Another.  One of them said, Where do you find itcommanded in the Scripture, that you should go to Elstow,or Bedford, and yet it is lawful to go to either of them,is it not?

Bun.  I said, To go to Elstow, orBedford, was a civil thing, and not material, though notcommanded, and yet God’s Word allowed me to go about mycalling, and therefore if it lay there, then to go thither,etc.  But to pray, was a great part of the Divine worship ofGod, and therefore it ought to be done according to the rule ofGod’s Word.

Another.  One of them said, He will do harm; lethim speak no further.

Keel.  Justice Keelinsaid, No, no, neverfear him, we are better established than so; he can do no harm;we know the Common Prayer-Book hath been ever since theapostles’ time, and it is lawful for it to be used in thechurch.

Bun.  I said, Show me the place in the epistles,where the Common Prayer-Book is written, or one text ofScripture, that commands me to read it, and I will use it. But yet, notwithstanding, said I, they that have a mind to useit, they have their liberty; that is, I would not keep them fromit; but for our parts, we can pray to God without it. Blessed be His name!

With that, one of them said, Who is your God? Beelzebub?  Moreover, they often said, that I was possessedwith the spirit of delusion, and of the devil.  All whichsayings I passed over; the Lord forgive them!  And further,I said, Blessed be the Lord for it; we are encouraged to meettogether, and to pray, and exhort one another; for, we have hadthe comfortable presence of God among us.  For ever blessedbe His holy name!

Keel.  Justice Keelincalled thispedler’s French, saying, that I must leave off mycanting.  The Lord open his eyes!

Bun.  I said that we ought to exhort one anotherdaily, while it is called to-day, etc.

Keel.  Justice Keelinsaid that I ought notto preach; and asked me where I had my authority? with other suchlike words.

Bun.  I said that I would prove that it was lawfulfor me, and such as I am, to preach the Word of God.

Keel.  He said unto me, By what Scripture?

Bun.  I said, By that in the first epistle ofPeter, chap. iv. 10, 11, and Acts xviii., with other Scriptures,which he would not suffer me to mention.  But said, Hold;not so many, which is the first?

Bun.  I said this: As every man hath receivedthe gift, even so let him minister the same untoanother, as good stewards of the manifold grace ofGod.  If any man speak, let him speak as theoracles of God, etc.

Keel.  He said, Let me a little open thatScripture to you: As every man hath received the gift;that is, said he, as every one hath received a trade, so let himfollow it.  If any man have received a gift of tinkering, asthou hast done, let him follow his tinkering.  And so othermen their trades.  And the divine his calling, etc.

Bun.  Nay, sir, said I, but it is most clear, thatthe apostle speaks here of preaching the Word; if you do butcompare both the verses together, the next verse explains thisgift what it is, saying, if any man speak, let himspeak as the oracles of God.  So that it is plain, thatthe Holy Ghost doth not so much in this place exhort to civilcallings, as to the exercising of those gifts that we havereceived from God.  I would have gone on, but he would notgive me leave.

Keel.  He said, We might do it in our families,but not otherways.

Bun.  I said, If it was lawful to do good to some,it was lawful to do good to more.  If it was a good duty toexhort our families, it was good to exhort others; but if theyheld it a sin to meet together to seek the face of God, andexhort one another to follow Christ, I should sin still; for sowe should do.

Keel.  He said he was not so well versed inScripture as to dispute, or words to that purpose.  Andsaid, moreover, that they could not wait upon me any longer; butsaid to me, Then you confess the indictment, do you not? Now, and not till now, I saw I was indicted.

Bun.  I said, This I confess, we have had manymeetings together, both to pray to God, and to exhort oneanother, and that we had the sweet comforting presence of theLord among us for our encouragement; blessed be His nametherefore.  I confessed myself guilty no otherwise.

Keel.  Then, said he, bear your judgment. You must be had back again to prison, and there lie for threemonths following; and at three months’ end, if you do notsubmit to go to church to hear Divine service, and leave yourpreaching, you must be banished the realm: and if, after such aday as shall be appointed you to be gone, you shall be found inthis realm, etc., or be found to come over again without speciallicence from the king, etc., you must stretch by the neck for it,I tell you plainly: and so he bid my jailor have me away.

Bun.  I told him, as to this matter, I was at apoint with him; for if I were out of prison to-day, I wouldpreach the Gospel again to-morrow, by the help of God.

Another.  To which one made me some answer: but myjailor pulling me away to be gone, I could not tell what hesaid.

Thus I departed from them; and I can truly say, I bless theLord Jesus Christfor it, that my heart was sweetlyrefreshed in the time of my examination, and also afterwards, atmy returning to the prison.  So that I found Christ’swords more than bare trifles, where He saith, I will give youa mouth and wisdom, which all your adversaries shall notbe able to gainsay, nor resist.  Luke xxi.15.  And that His peace no man can take from us.

Thus have I given you the substance of my examination. The Lord make this profitable to all that shall read or hearit.  Farewell.

The Substance of some Discourse had between the Clerk ofthe Peace and myself; when he came to admonish me,according to the tenor of that Law, by which I was inprison.

When I had lain in prison othertwelve weeks, and now not knowing what they intended to do withme, upon the third of April 1661, comes Mr Cobb unto me (as hetold me), being sent by the justices to admonish me; and demandof me submittance to the church of England, etc.  The extentof our discourse was as followeth.

Cobb.  When he was come into the house he sent forme out of my chamber; who, when I was come unto him, he said,Neighbour Bunyan, how do you do?

Bun.  I thank you, Sir, said I, very well, blessedbe the Lord.

Cobb.  Saith he, I come to tell you, that it isdesired you would submit yourself to the laws of the land, orelse at the next sessions it will go worse with you, even to besent away out of the nation, or else worse than that.

Bun.  I said that I did desire to demean myself inthe world, both as becometh a man and a Christian.

Cobb.  But, saith he, you must submit to the lawsof the land, and leave off those meetings which you was wont tohave; for the statute-law is directly against it; and I am sentto you by the justices to tell you that they do intend toprosecute the law against you if you submit not.

Bun.  I said, Sir, I conceive that that law bywhich I am in prison at this time, doth not reach or condemneither me, or the meetings which I do frequent; that law was madeagainst those, that being designed to do evil in their meetings,making the exercise of religion their pretence, to cover theirwickedness.  It doth not forbid the private meetings ofthose that plainly and simply make it their only end to worshipthe Lord, and to exhort one another to edification.  My endin meeting with others is simply to do as much good as I can, byexhortation and counsel, according to that small measure of lightwhich God hath given me, and not to disturb the peace of thenation.

Cobb.  Every one will say the same, said he; yousee the late insurrection [210] at London,under what glorious pretences they went; and yet, indeed, theyintended no less than the ruin of the kingdom andcommonwealth.

Bun.  That practice of theirs, I abhor, said I;yet it doth not follow that, because they did so, therefore allothers will do so.  I look upon it as my duty to behavemyself under the King’s government, both as becomes a manand a Christian, and if an occasion were offered me, I shouldwillingly manifest my loyalty to my Prince, both by word anddeed.

Cobb.  Well, said he, I do not profess myself tobe a man that can dispute; but this I say, truly, neighbourBunyan, I would have you consider this matter seriously,and submit yourself; you may have your liberty to exhort yourneighbour in private discourse, so be you do not call together anassembly of people; and, truly, you may do much good to thechurch of Christ, if you would go this way; and this you may do,and the law not abridge you of it.  It is your privatemeetings that the law is against.

Bun.  Sir, said I, if I may do good to one by mydiscourse? why may I not do good to two?  And if to two, whynot to four, and so to eight? etc.

Cobb.  Ay, saith he, and to a hundred, I warrantyou.

Bun.  Yes, Sir, said I, I think I should not beforbid to do as much good as I can.

Cobb.  But, saith he, you may but pretend to dogood, and instead, notwithstanding, do harm, by seducing thepeople; you are, therefore, denied your meeting so many together,lest you should do harm.

Bun.  And yet, said I, you say the law toleratesme to discourse with my neighbour; surely there is no lawtolerates me seduce any one; therefore if I may by the lawdiscourse with one, surely it is to do him good; and if I bydiscoursing may do good to one, surely, by the same law, I may dogood to many.

Cobb.  The law, saith he, doth expressly forbidyour private meetings; therefore they are not to betolerated.

Bun.  I told him that I would not entertain somuch uncharitableness of that Parliament in the 35th ofElizabeth, or of the Queen herself, as to think they did,by that law, intend the oppressing of any of God’sordinances, or the interrupting any in way of God; but men may,in the wresting of it, turn it against the way of God; but takethe law in itself, and it only fighteth against those that driveat mischief in their hearts and meeting, making religion onlytheir cloak, colour, or pretence; for so are the words of thestatute: If any meetings, under colour or pretence ofreligion, etc.

Cobb.  Very good; therefore the king, seeing thatpretences are usually in and among people, so as to make religiontheir pretence only; therefore he, and the law before him, dothforbid such private meetings, and tolerates only public; you maymeet in public.

Bun.  Sir, said I, let me answer you in asimilitude: Set the case that, at such a wood corner, there didusually come forth thieves, to do mischief; must there thereforea law be made, that every one that cometh out there shall bekilled?  May not there come out true men as well as thievesout from thence?  Just thus is it in this case; I do thinkthere may be many that may design the destruction of thecommonwealth; but it doth not follow therefore that all privatemeetings are unlawful; those that transgress, let them bepunished.  And if at any time I myself should do any act inmy conversation as doth not become a man and Christian, let mebear the punishment.  And as for your saying I may meet inpublic, if I may be suffered, I would gladly do it.  Let mehave but meeting enough in public, and I shall care the less tohave them in private.  I do not meet in private because I amafraid to have meetings in public.  I bless the Lord that myheart is at that point, that if any man can lay any thing to mycharge, either in doctrine or in practice, in this particular,that can be proved error or heresy, I am willing to disown it,even in the very market-place; but if it be truth, then to standto it to the last drop of my blood.  And, Sir, said I, youought to commend me for so doing.  To err and to be aheretic are two things; I am no heretic, because I will not standrefractorily to defend any one thing that is contrary to theWord.  Prove any thing which I hold to be an error, and Iwill recant it.

Cobb.  But, goodman Bunyan, said he,methinks you need not stand so strictly upon this one thing, asto have meetings of such public assemblies.  Cannot yousubmit, and, notwithstanding, do as much good as you can, in aneighbourly way, without having such meetings?

Bun.  Truly, Sir, said I, I do not desire tocommend myself, but to think meanly of myself; yet when I do mostdespise myself, taking notice of that small measure of lightwhich God hath given me, also that the people of the Lord (bytheir own saying), are edified thereby.  Besides, when I seethat the Lord, through grace, hath in some measure blessed mylabour, I dare not but exercise that gift which God hath given mefor the good of the people.  And I said further, that Iwould willingly speak in public if I might.

Cobb.  He said, that I might come to the publicassemblies and hear.  What though you do not preach? you mayhear.  Do not think yourself so well enlightened, and thatyou have received a gift so far above others, but that you mayhear other men preach.  Or to that purpose.

Bun.  I told him, I was as willing to be taught asto give instruction, and I looked upon it as my duty to do both;for, said I, a man that is a teacher, he himself may learn alsofrom another that teacheth, as the apostle saith, We may allprophesy one by one, that all may learn.  1 Cor.xiv. 31.  That is, every man that hath received a gift fromGod, he may dispense it, that others may be comforted; and whenhe hath done, he may hear and learn, and be comforted himself ofothers.

Cobb.  But, said he, what if you should forbearawhile, and sit still, till you see further how things willgo?

Bun.  Sir, said I, Wickliffesaith, that hewhich leaveth off preaching and hearing of the Word of God forfear of excommunication of men, he is already excommunicated ofGod, and shall in the day of judgment be counted a traitor toChrist. [214]

Cobb.  Ay, saith he, they that do not hear shallbe so counted indeed; do you, therefore, hear?

Bun.  But, Sir, said I, he saith, he that shallleave off either preaching or hearing, etc.  That is, if hehath received a gift for edification, it is his sin, if he dothnot lay it out in a way of exhortation and counsel, according tothe proportion of his gift; as well as to spend his timealtogether in hearing others preach.

Cobb.  But, said he, how shall we know that youhave received a gift?

Bun.  Said I, Let any man hear and search, andprove the doctrine by the Bible.

Cobb.  But will you be willing, said he, that twoindifferent persons shall determine the case; and will you standby their judgment?

Bun.  I said, Are they infallible?

Cobb.  He said, No.

Bun.  Then, said I, it is possible my judgment maybe as good as theirs.  But yet I will pass by either, and inthis matter be judged by the Scriptures; I am sure that isinfallible, and cannot err.

Cobb.  But, said he, who shall be judge betweenyou, for you take the Scriptures one way, and they another?

Bun.  I said the Scripture should: and that bycomparing one Scripture with another; for that will open itself,if it be rightly compared.  As for instance, if under thedifferent apprehensions of the word Mediator, you wouldknow the truth of it, the Scriptures open it, and tell us that hethat is a mediator must take up the business between two, and amediator is not a mediator of one,—but God is one,and there is one Mediator between God and men, even theman Christ Jesus.  Gal. iii. 20; 1 Tim. ii. 5.  Solikewise the Scripture calleth Christ a complete, orperfect, or able high priest.  That is opened in thatHe is called man, and also God.  His blood also isdiscovered to be effectually efficacious by the samethings.  So the Scripture, as touching the matter of meetingtogether, etc., doth likewise sufficiently open itself anddiscover its meaning.

Cobb.  But are you willing, said he, to stand tothe judgment of the church?

Bun.  Yes, Sir, said I, to the approbation of thechurch of God; (the church’s judgment is best expressed inScripture).  We had much other discourse which I cannot wellremember, about the laws of the nation, and submission togovernments; to which I did tell him, that I did look upon myselfas bound in conscience to walk according to all righteous laws,and that, whether there was a king or no; and if I did any thingthat was contrary, I did hold it my duty to bear patiently thepenalty of the law, that was provided against such offenders;with many more words to the like effect.  And said,moreover, that to cut off all occasions of suspicion from any, astouching the harmlessness of my doctrine in private, I wouldwillingly take the pains to give any one the notes of all mysermons; for I do sincerely desire to live quietly in my country,and to submit to the present authority.

Cobb.  Well, neighbour Bunyan, said he, butindeed I would wish you seriously to consider of these things,between this and the quarter-sessions, and to submityourself.  You may do much good if you continue still in theland; but alas, what benefit will it be to your friends, or whatgood can you do to them, if you should be sent away beyond theseas into Spain, or Constantinople, or some otherremote part of the world?  Pray be ruled.

Jailor.  Indeed, Sir, I hope he will be ruled.

Bun.  I shall desire, said I, in all honesty tobehave myself in the nation, whilst I am in it.  And if Imust be so dealt withal, as you say, I hope God will help me tobear what they shall lay upon me.  I know no evil that Ihave done in this matter, to be so used.  I speak as in thepresence of God.

Cobb.  You know, saith he, that the Scripturesaith, the powers that be, are ordained of God.

Bun.  I said, Yes, and that I was to submit to theKing as supreme, and also to the governors, as to them who aresent by Him.

Cobb.  Well then, said he, the King then commandsyou, that you should not have any private meetings; because it isagainst his law, and he is ordained of God, therefore you shouldnot have any.

Bun.  I told him that Pauldid own thepowers that were in his day, to be of God; and yet he was oftenin prison under them for all that.  And also, thoughJesus Christtold Pilate, that He had no poweragainst him, but of God, yet He died under the samePilate; and yet, said I, I hope you will not say thateither Paul, or Christ, were such as did deny magistracy,and so sinned against God in slighting the ordinance.  Sir,said I, the law hath provided two ways of obeying: the one to dothat which I, in my conscience, do believe that I am bound to do,actively; and where I cannot obey actively, there I am willing tolie down, and to suffer what they shall do unto me.  At thishe sat still, and said no more; which when he had done, I didthank him for his civil and meek discoursing with me; and so weparted.

O! that we might meet in heaven!

Farewell.  J. B.

Here followeth a discourse between my Wife and theJudges, with others, touching my Deliverance at theAssizes following; the which I took from her ownMouth.

After that I had received thissentence of banishing, or hanging, from them, and after theformer admonition, touching the determination of the justices ifI did not recant; just when the time drew nigh, in which I shouldhave abjured, or have done worse (as Mr Cobb told me), came thetime in which the King was to be crowned. [219]  Now, at the coronation of kings,there is usually a releasement of divers prisoners, by virtue ofhis coronation; in which privilege also I should have had myshare; but that they took me for a convicted person, andtherefore, unless I sued out a pardon (as they called it), Icould have no benefit thereby, notwithstanding, yet, forasmuch asthe coronation proclamation did give liberty, from the day theKing was crowned, to that day twelvemonth, to sue them out;therefore, though they would not let me out of prison, as theylet out thousands, yet they could not meddle with me, as touchingthe execution of their sentence; because of the liberty offeredfor the suing out of pardons.  Whereupon I continued inprison till the next assizes, which are called Midsummerassizes, being then kept in August, 1661.

Now, at that assizes, because I would not leave any possiblemeans unattempted that might be lawful, I did, by my wife,present a petition to the judges three times, that I might beheard, and that they would impartially take my case intoconsideration.

The first time my wife went, she presented it to JudgeHale, who very mildly received it at her hand, telling herthat he would do her and me the best good he could; but hefeared, he said, he could do none.  The next day, again,lest they should, through the multitude of business, forget me,we did throw another petition into the coach to JudgeTwisdon; who, when he had seen it, snapt her up, andangrily told her that I was a convicted person, and could not bereleased, unless I would promise to preach no more, etc.

Well, after this, she yet again presented another to judgeHale, as he sat on the bench, who, as it seemed, was willing togive her audience.  Only Justice Chesterbeingpresent, stept up and said, that I was convicted in the court,and that I was a hot-spirited fellow (or words to that purpose),whereat he waived it, and did not meddle therewith.  Butyet, my wife being encouraged by the high-sheriff, did ventureonce more into their presence (as the poor widow did before theunjust judge) to try what she could do with them for my liberty,before they went forth of the town.  The place where shewent to them, was to the Swan-chamber, where the twojudges, and many justices and gentry of the country, was incompany together.  She then coming into the chamber with abashed face, and a trembling heart, began her errand to them inthis manner:—

Woman.  My lord (directing herself to judge Hale),I make bold to come once again to your Lordship, to know what maybe done with my husband.

Judge Hale.  To whom he said, Woman, I told theebefore I could do thee no good; because they have taken that fora conviction which thy husband spoke at the sessions: and unlessthere be something done to undo that, I can do thee no good.

Woman.  My lord, said she, he is kept unlawfullyin prison; they clapped him up before there was any proclamationagainst the meetings; the indictment also is false. Besides, they never asked him whether he was guilty or no;neither did he confess the indictment.

One of the Justices.  Then one of the justicesthat stood by, whom she knew not, said, My Lord, he was lawfullyconvicted.

Wom.  It is false, said she; for when they said tohim, Do you confess the indictment? he said only this, that hehad been at several meetings, both where there were preaching theWord, and prayer, and that they had God’s presence amongthem.

Judge Twisdon.  Whereat Judge Twisdonanswered very angrily, saying, What, you think we can do what welist; your husband is a breaker of the peace, and is convicted bythe law, etc.  Whereupon Judge Halecalled for theStatute Book.

Wom.  But, said she, my lord, he was not lawfullyconvicted.

Chester.  Then Justice Chestersaid, Mylord, he was lawfully convicted.

Wom.  It is false, said she; it was but a word ofdiscourse that they took for a conviction (as you heardbefore).

Chest.  But it is recorded, woman; it is recorded,said Justice Chester; as if it must be of necessity true,because it was recorded.  With which words he oftenendeavoured to stop her mouth, having no other argument toconvince her, but it is recorded, it is recorded.

Wom.  My Lord, said she, I was a while since atLondon, to see if I could get my husband’s liberty;and there I spoke with my lord Barkwood, one of the Houseof Lords, to whom I delivered a petition, who took it of me andpresented it to some of the rest of the House of Lords, for myhusband’s releasement; who, when they had seen it, theysaid, that they could not release him, but had committed hisreleasement to the judges, at the next assizes.  This hetold me; and now I am come to you to see if any thing may be donein this business, and you give neither releasement norrelief.  To which they gave her no answer, but made as ifthey heard her not.

Chest.  Only Justice Chesterwas often upwith this,—He is convicted, and it is recorded.

Wom.  If it be, it is false, said she.

Chest.  My lord, said Justice Chester, heis a pestilent fellow, there is not such a fellow in the countryagain.

Twis.  What, will your husband leavepreaching?  If he will do so, then send for him.

Wom.  My lord, said she, he dares not leavepreaching as long as he can speak.

Twis.  See here, what should we talk any moreabout such a fellow?  Must he do what he lists?  He isa breaker of the peace.

Wom.  She told him again, that he desired to livepeaceably, and to follow his calling, that his family might bemaintained; and moreover, said, My Lord, I have four smallchildren, that cannot help themselves, one of which is blind, andhave nothing to live upon, but the charity of good people.

Hale.  Hast thou four children? said Judge Hale;thou art but a young woman to have four children.

Wom.  My lord, said she, I am but mother-in-law tothem, having not been married to him yet full two years. Indeed, I was with child when my husband was first apprehended;but being young, and unaccustomed to such things, said she, Ibeing smayed [224] at the news, fell into labour, and socontinued for eight days, and then was delivered, but my childdied.

Hale.  Whereat, he looking very soberly on thematter, said, Alas, poor woman!

Twis.  But Judge Twisdontold her, that shemade poverty her cloak; and said, moreover, that he understood Iwas maintained better by running up and down a preaching, than byfollowing my calling.

Hale.  What is his calling? said Judge Hale.

Answer.  Then some of the company that stood by,said, A tinker, my lord.

Wom.  Yes, said she; and because he is a tinker,and a poor man, therefore he is despised, and cannot havejustice.

Hale.  Then Judge Haleanswered verymildly, saying, I tell thee, woman, seeing it is so, that theyhave taken what thy husband spake for a conviction; thou musteither apply thyself to the King, or sue out his pardon, or get awrit of error.

Chest.  But when Justice Chesterheard himgive her this counsel; and especially (as she supposed) becausehe spoke of a writ of error, he chafed, and seemed to be verymuch offended; saying, My lord, he will preach and do what helists.

Wom.  He preacheth nothing but the Word of God,said she.

Twis.  He preach the Word of God! said Twisdon;and withal, she thought he would have struck her; he runneth upand down, and doth harm.

Wom.  No, my lord, said she, it is not so; Godhath owned him, and done much good by him.

Twis.  God! said he, his doctrine is the doctrineof the devil.

Wom.  My lord, said she, when the righteous Judgeshall appear, it will be known that his doctrine is not thedoctrine of the devil.

Twis.  My lord, said he, to Judge Hale, do notmind her, but send her away.

Hale.  Then said Judge Hale, I am sorry, woman,that I can do thee no good; thou must do one of those threethings aforesaid, namely, either to apply thyself to the King, orsue out his pardon, or get a writ of error; but a writ of errorwill be cheapest.

Wom.  At which Chester again seemed to be in achafe, and put off his hat, and as she thought, scratched hishead for anger: but when I saw, said she, that there was noprevailing to have my husband sent for, though I often desiredthem that they would send for him, that he might speak forhimself; telling them, that he could give them bettersatisfaction than I could, in what they demanded of him, withseveral other things, which now I forget; only this I remember,that though I was somewhat timorous at my first entrance into thechamber, yet before I went out, I could not but break forth intotears, not so much because they were so hard-hearted against me,and my husband, but to think what a sad account such poorcreatures will have to give at the coming of the Lord, when theyshall there answer for all things whatsoever they have done inthe body, whether it be good, or whether it be bad.

So, when I departed from them, the book of statutes wasbrought, but what they said of it I know nothing at all, neitherdid I hear any more from them.

Some Carriages of the Adversaries of God’s Truth withme at the next Assizes, which was on the19thof the first month, 1662.

I shall pass by what befell betweenthese two assizes, how I had, by my jailor, some liberty grantedme, more than at the first, and how I followed my wonted courseof preaching, taking all occasions that were put into my hand tovisit the people of God; exhorting them to be steadfast in thefaith of Jesus Christ, and to take heed that they touched not theCommon Prayer, etc., but to mind the Word of God, which givethdirection to Christians in every point, being able to make theman of God perfect in all things through faith in Jesus Christ,and thoroughly to furnish him unto all good works.  2 Tim.iii. 17.  Also how I having, I say, somewhat more liberty,did go to see the Christians at London; which my enemieshearing of, were so angry, that they had almost cast my jailorout of his place, threatening to indict him, and to do what theycould against him.  They charged me also, that I wentthither to plot and raise division, and make insurrection, which,God knows, was a slander; whereupon my liberty was morestraitened than it was before; so that I must not now look out ofthe door.  Well, when the next sessions came, which wasabout the 10th of the 11th month (1661), I did expect to havebeen very roundly dealt withal; but they passed me by, and wouldnot call me, so that I rested till the assizes, which was heldthe 19th of the first month (1662) following; and when they came,because I had a desire to come before the judge, I desired myjailor to put my name into the calendar among the felons, andmade friends of the judge and high-sheriff, who promised that Ishould be called: so that I thought what I had done might havebeen effectual for the obtaining of my desire: but all was invain; for when the assizes came, though my name was in thecalendar, and also though both the judge and sheriff had promisedthat I should appear before them, yet the justices and the clerkof the peace, did so work it about, that I, notwithstanding, wasdeferred, and was not suffered to appear: and although I say, Ido not know of all their carriages towards me, yet this I know,that the clerk of the peace (Mr Cobb) did discover himself to beone of my greatest opposers: for, first he came to my jailor andtold him that I must not go down before the judge, and thereforemust not be put into the calendar; to whom my jailor said, thatmy name was in already.  He bid him put it out again; myjailor told him that he could not: for he had given the judge acalendar with my name in it, and also the sheriff another. At which he was very much displeased, and desired to see thatcalendar that was yet in my jailor’s hand, who, when he hadgiven it him, he looked on it, and said it was a false calendar;he also took the calendar and blotted out my accusation, as myjailor had written it (which accusation I cannot tell what itwas, because it was so blotted out), and he himself put in wordsto this purpose: That John Bunyan was committed to prison; beinglawfully convicted for upholding of unlawful meetings andconventicles, etc.  But yet p. 229for all this, fearing that what hehad done, unless he added thereto, it would not do, he first ranto the clerk of the assizes; then to the justices, andafterwards, because he would not leave any means unattempted tohinder me, he came again to my jailor, and told him, that if Idid go down before the judge, and was released, he would make himpay my fees, which he said was due to him; and further, told him,that he would complain of him at the next quarter sessions formaking of false calendars, though my jailor himself, as Iafterwards learned, had put in my accusation worse than in itselfit was by far.  And thus was I hindered and prevented atthat time also from appearing before the judge: and left inprison.

Farewell.

JohnBunyan.

A Continuation ofMr Bunyan’s Life; beginning where heleft off, and concluding with the Time and Manner of hisDeath and Burial: together with his true Character,etc.

Reader, the painful and industriousauthor of this book, has already given you a faithful and verymoving relation of the beginning and middle of the days of hispilgrimage on earth; and since there yet remains somewhat worthyof notice and regard, which occurred in the last scene of hislife, the which, for want of time, or fear, some over-censoriouspeople should impute it to him as an earnest coveting of praisefrom men, he has not left behind him in writing.  Wherefore,as a true friend, and long acquaintance of MrBunyan’sthat his good end may be known, as well ashis evil beginning, I have taken upon me, from my knowledge, andthe best account given by other of his friends, to piece this tothe thread too soon broke off, and so lengthen it out to hisentering upon eternity.

He has told you at large, of his birth and education; the evilhabits and corruptions of his youth; the temptations he struggledand conflicted so frequently with, the mercies, comforts, anddeliverances he found, how he came to take upon him the preachingof the Gospel; the slanders, reproaches and imprisonments thatattended him, and the progress he notwithstanding made (by theassistance of God’s grace) no doubt to the saving of manysouls: therefore take these things, as he himself hathmethodically laid them down in the words of verity; and so I passon to what remains.

After his being freed from his twelve years’imprisonment and upwards, for nonconformity, wherein he had timeto furnish the world with sundry good books, etc., and by hispatience, to move Dr Barlow, the then Bishop ofLincoln, and other church-men, to pity his hard andunreasonable sufferings, so far as to stand very much hisfriends, in procuring his enlargement, or there perhaps he haddied, by the noisomeness and ill usage of the place.  Beingnow, I say, again at liberty, and having through mercy shaken offhis bodily fetters,—for those upon his soul were brokenbefore by the abounding grace that filled his heart,—hewent to visit those that had been a comfort to him in histribulation, with a Christian-like acknowledgment of theirkindness and enlargement of charity; giving encouragement by hisexample, if it happened to be their hard haps to fall intoaffliction or trouble, then to suffer patiently for the sake of agood conscience, and for the love of God in Jesus Christ towardstheir souls, and by many cordial persuasions, supported somewhose spirits began to sink low, through the fear of danger thatthreatened their worldly concernment, so that the people found awonderful consolation in his discourse and admonitions.

As often as opportunity would admit, he gathered them together(though the law was then in force against meetings) in convenientplaces, and fed them with the sincere milk of the Word, that theymight grow up in grace thereby.  To such as were anywheretaken and imprisoned upon these accounts, he made it another partof his business to extend his charity, and gather relief for suchof them as wanted.

He took great care to visit the sick, and strengthen themagainst the suggestions of the tempter, which at such times arevery prevalent; so that they had cause for ever to bless God, Whohad put it into his heart, at such a time, to rescue them fromthe power of the roaring lion, who sought to devour them; nor didhe spare any pains or labour in travel, though to remotecounties, where he knew or imagined any people might stand inneed of his assistance; insomuch that some, by these visitationsthat he made, which was two or three every year (some, though ina jeering manner no doubt, gave him the epithet of BishopBunyan) whilst others envied him for his so earnestlylabouring in Christ’s vineyard; yet the seed of the Word he(all this while) sowed in the hearts of his congregation, wateredwith the grace of God, brought forth in abundance, in bringing indisciples to the church of Christ.

Another part of his time is spent in reconciling differences,by which he hindered many mischiefs, and saved some families fromruin, and in such fallings-out he was uneasy, till he found ameans to labour a reconciliation, and become a peace-maker, onwhom a blessing is promised in holy writ; and indeed in doingthis good office, he may be said to sum up his days, it being thelast undertaking of his life, as will appear in the close of thispaper.

When in the late reign, liberty of conscience was unexpectedlygiven and indulged to dissenters of all persuasions, his piercingwit penetrated the veil, and found that it was not for thedissenters’ sakes they were so suddenly freed from the hardprosecutions that had long lain heavy upon them, and set in amanner, on an equal foot with the Church of England, whichthe papists were undermining, and about to subvert: he foresawall the advantages that could have redounded to the dissenterswould have been no more than what Polyphemus, themonstrous giant of Sicily, would have allowedUlysses, viz.: That he would eat his men first, anddo him the favour of being eaten last: for although MrBunyan, following the examples of others, did lay hold ofthis liberty, as an acceptable thing in itself, knowing God isthe only Lord of conscience, and that it is good at all times todo according to the dictates of a good conscience, and that thepreaching the glad tidings of the Gospel is beautiful in thepreacher; yet in all this he moved with caution and a holy fear,earnestly praying for the averting impending judgments, which hesaw, like a black tempest, hanging over our heads for our sins,and ready to break in upon us, and that theNinevites’remedy was now highly necessary: hereuponhe gathered his congregation at Bedford, where he mostlylived, and had lived and spent the greatest part of his life; andthere being no convenient place to be had for the entertainmentof so great a confluence of people as followed him upon theaccount of his teaching, he consulted with them for the buildingof a meeting-house, to which they made their voluntarycontributions with all cheerfulness and alacrity; and the firsttime he appeared there to edify, the place was so thronged, thatmany was constrained to stay without, though the house was veryspacious, every one striving to partake of his instructions, thatwere of his persuasion, and show their good-will towards him, bybeing present at the opening of the place; and here he lived inmuch peace and quiet of mind, contenting himself with that littleGod had bestowed upon him, and sequestering himself from allsecular employments, to follow that of his call to the ministry;for as God said to Moses, He that made the lips and heart,can give eloquence and wisdom, without extraordinary acquirementsin an university.

During these things, there were regulators sent into allcities and towns corporate, to new model the government in themagistracy, etc., by turning out some, and putting in others:against this Mr Bunyanexpressed his zeal with someweariness, as foreseeing the bad consequence that would attendit, and laboured with his congregation to prevent their beingimposed on in this kind; and when a great man in those days,coming to Bedfordupon some such errand, sent for him, as’tis supposed, to give him a place of public trust, hewould by no means come at him, but sent his excuse.

When he was at leisure from writing and teaching, he oftencame up to London, and there went among the congregationsof the non-conformists, and used his talent to the greatgood-liking of the hearers; and even some to whom he had beenmis-represented, upon the account of his education, wereconvinced of his worth and knowledge in sacred things, asperceiving him to be a man of round judgment, delivering himselfplainly and powerfully; insomuch that many, who came merespectators for novelty sake rather than to edify and be improved,went away well satisfied with what they heard, and wondered, asthe Jews did at the Apostles, viz.: Whence this man shouldhave these things; perhaps not considering that God moreimmediately assists those that make it their businessindustriously and cheerfully to labour in His vineyard.

Thus he spent his latter years in imitation of his great Lordand Master, the ever-blessed Jesus; he went about doing good, sothat the most prying critic, or even Malice herself, is defied tofind, even upon the narrowest search or observation, any sully orstain upon his reputation, with which he may be justly charged;and this we note, as a challenge to those that have the leastregard for him, or them of his persuasion, and have one way orother appeared in the front of those that oppressed him; and forthe turning whose hearts, in obedience to the commission andcommandment given him of God, he frequently prayed, and sometimessought a blessing for them, even with tears, the effects ofwhich, they may, peradventure, though undeservedly, have found intheir persons, friends, relations, or estates; for God will hearthe prayer of the faithful, and answer them, even for them thatvex them, as it happened in the case of Job’spraying for the three persons that had been grievous in theirreproach against him, even in the day of his sorrow.

But yet let me come a little nearer to particulars and periodsof time, for the better refreshing the memories of those thatknew his labour and suffering, and for the satisfaction of allthat shall read this book.

After he was sensibly convicted of the wicked state of hislife, and converted, he was baptized into the congregation, andadmitted a member thereof, viz., in the year 1655, andbecame speedily a very zealous professor; but upon the return ofKing Charlesto the crown in 1660, he was the 12th ofNovembertaken, as he was edifying some good people thatwere got together to hear the word, and confined inBedfordjail for the space of six years, till the act ofIndulgence to dissenters being allowed, he obtained his freedom,by the intercession of some in trust and power, that took pity onhis sufferings; but within six years afterwards he was againtaken up, viz., in the year 1666, and was then confinedfor six years more, when even the jailor took such pity of hisrigorous sufferings, that he did as the Egyptian jailor did toJoseph, put all the care and trust in his hand: When hewas taken this last time, he was preaching on these words, viz.:Dost thou believe the Son of God?  And thisimprisonment continued six years, and when this was over, anothershort affliction, which was an imprisonment of half a year, fellto his share.  During these confinements he wrote thefollowing books, viz.: Of Prayer by the Spirit: TheHoly City’s Resurrection: Grace Abounding:Pilgrim’s Progress, the first part.

In the last year of his twelve years’ imprisonment, thepastor of the congregation at Bedforddied, and he waschosen to that care of souls, on the 12th of December1671.  And in this his charge, he often had disputes withscholars that came to oppose him, as supposing him an ignorantperson, and though he argued plainly, and by Scripture, withoutphrases and logical expressions, yet he nonplussed one who cameto oppose him in his congregation, by demanding, Whether or no wehad the true copies of the original Scriptures; and another, whenhe was preaching, accused him of uncharitableness, for saying,It was very hard for most to be saved; saying, by that hewent about to exclude most of his congregation; but he confutedhim, and put him to silence with the parable of the stony ground,and other texts out of the 13th chapter of St Matthew, inour Saviour’s sermon out of a ship; all his methods beingto keep close to the Scriptures, and what he found not warrantedthere, himself would not warrant nor determine, unless in suchcases as were plain, wherein no doubts or scruples did arise.

But not to make any further mention of this kind, it is wellknown that this person managed all his affairs with suchexactness, as if he had made it his study, above all otherthings, not to give occasion of offence, but rather suffer manyinconveniences, to avoid being never heard to reproach or revileany, what injury soever he received, but rather to rebuke thosethat did; and as it was in his conversation, so it is manifestedin those books he has caused to be published to the world; wherelike the archangel disputing with Satan about the body ofMoses, as we find it in the epistle of St Jude,brings no railing accusation (but leaves the rebukers, those thatpersecuted him) to the Lord.

In his family he kept up a very strict discipline in prayerand exhortation; being in this like Joshua, as the goodman expresses it, viz., Whatsoever others did, as forme and my house, we will serve the Lord: and indeed ablessing waited on his labours and endeavours, so that his wife,as the Psalmist says, was like a pleasant vine upon the wallsof his house, and his children like olive branches roundhis table; for so shall it be with the man that fears theLord, and though by reason of the many losses he sustained byimprisonment and spoil, of his chargeable sickness, etc., hisearthly treasure swelled not to excess; he always had sufficientto live decently and creditably, and with that he had thegreatest of all treasures, which is content; for as the wise mansays, That is a continual feast.

But where content dwells, even a poor cottage is a kinglypalace, and this happiness he had all his life long; not so muchminding this world, as knowing he was here as a pilgrim andstranger, and had no tarrying city, but looked for one made withhands eternal in the highest heavens: but at length was worn outwith sufferings, age, and often teaching, the day of hisdissolution drew near, and death, that unlocks the prison of thesoul, to enlarge it for a more glorious mansion, put a stop tohis acting his part on the stage of mortality; heaven, likeearthly princes, when it threatens war, being always so kind asto call home its ambassadors before it be denounced, and even thelast act or undertaking of his, was a labour of love and charity;for it so falling out that a young gentleman, a neighbour of MrBunyan’s, happening into the displeasure of hisfather, and being much troubled in mind upon that account, andalso for that he heard his father purposed to disinherit him, orotherwise deprive him of what he had to leave; he pitched upon MrBunyanas a fit man to make way for his submission, andprepare his father’s mind to receive him; and he, aswilling to do any good office, as it could be requested, asreadily undertook it; and so riding to ReadinginBerkshire, he then there used such pressing arguments andreasons against anger and passion, as also for love andreconciliation, that the father was mollified, and his bowelsyearned to his returning son.

But Mr Bunyan, after he had disposed all things to thebest for accommodation, returning to London, and beingovertaken with excessive rains, coming to his lodgings extremelywet, fell sick of a violent fever, which he bore with muchconstancy and patience, and expressed himself as if he desirednothing more than to be dissolved, and be with Christ, in thatcase esteeming death as gain, and life only a tedious delayingfelicity expected; and finding his vital strength decay, havingsettled his mind and affairs, as well as the shortness of time,and the violence of his disease would permit, with a constant andchristian patience, he resigned his soul into the hands of hismost merciful Redeemer, following his pilgrim from the City ofDestruction, to the New Jerusalem; his better part havingbeen all along p.241there, in holy contemplation, pantings and breathingsafter the hidden manna and water of life, as by many holy andhumble consolations expressed in his letters to several personsin prison, and out of prison, too many to be inserted atpresent.  He died at the house of one Mr Struddock, agrocer, at the Star on Snow Hill, in the parish of StSepulchre’s, London, on the 12th ofAugust1688, and in the sixtieth year of his age, [241] after ten days’ sickness; andwas buried in the new burying place near the Artillery Ground;where he sleeps to the morning of the resurrection, in hopes of aglorious rising to an incorruptible immortality of joy andhappiness; where no more trouble and sorrow shall afflict him,but all tears be wiped away; when the just shall be incorporatedas members of Christ their head, and reign with Him as kings andpriests for ever.

A brief Character of MrJohnBunyan

He appeared in countenance to be ofa stern and rough temper, but in his conversation mild andaffable; not given to loquacity or much discourse in company,unless some urgent occasion required it; observing never to boastof himself or his parts, but rather seem low in his own eyes, andsubmit himself to the judgment of others, abhorring lying andswearing, being just in all that lay in his power to his word,not seeming to revenge injuries, loving to reconcile differences,and make friendship with all; he had a sharp quick eye,accompanied with an excellent discerning of persons, being ofgood judgment and quick wit.  As for his person, he was tallof stature, strong boned, though not corpulent, somewhat of aruddy face, with sparkling eyes, wearing his hair on his upperlip, after the old British fashion; his hair reddish, but in hislatter days, time had sprinkled it with grey; his nose well set,but not declining or bending, and his mouth moderate large; hisforehead somewhat high, and his habit always plain andmodest.  And thus have we impartially described the internaland external parts of a person, whose death hath been muchregretted; a person who had tried the smiles and frowns of time;not puffed up in prosperity, nor shaken in adversity; alwaysholding the golden mean.

In him at once did three great worthies shine,
Historian, poet, and a choice divine:
Then let him rest in undisturbed dust,
Until the resurrection of the just.

p.243POSTSCRIPT

In this his pilgrimage, God blessedhim with four children, one of which, named Mary, wasblind, and died some years before; his other children wereThomas, Joseph, and Sarah; his wifeElizabethhaving lived to see him overcome his labour andsorrow, and pass from this life to receive the reward of hiswork, long survived him not; but in 1692 she died, to follow herfaithful pilgrim from this world to the other, whither he wasgone before her; whilst his works, which consist of sixty books,remain for the edifying of the reader, and praise of theauthor.

Vale.

FINIS

FOOTNOTES

[7]  The marginal summaries have notbeen included in this Project Gutenberg eText.—DP.

[184]  The text from which he intendedto preach was, Doth thou believe on the Son of God? Jn. ix. 35.  See Preface to his Confession ofFaith.

[187a]  Justice Wingate.

[187b]  Ibid.

[191a]  A right Judas.

[191b]  Bunyan.

[210]  The Venner insurrection is herereferred to.

[214]  Bunyan here refers to atranslation of Wickliffe’s doctrine in John Foxe’sMartyrology, a favourite book of his.

[219]  April 23, 1661.

[224]  ‘Smayed,’ anobsolete contraction of ‘dismayed,’

[241]  It is an established fact thatJohn Bunyan died on Friday, August 31, 1688.  He is recordedto have preached his last sermon on August 19.

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